or not

The light at the end of the tunnel may not be an oncoming train.

Useless female politicians

The fact that Cheney had to followup on the Rice visit to the Mid East only underlines the fact that with critical issues exploding all over that region and Islam sprouting globally like a fungus, sending over a kus to do a man's job, is a waste of time.

Not one Arab country takes women seriously, including women politicians representing the U.S.
Especially not the U.S. where violence, pornography and domestic abuse are an accepted part of too many people's contradictory and hypocritical lifestyles.

Women are accoutrements and/or property for trade or discard in Islam. Lived in it and thru it, no one can tell me anything to the contrary about the "religion of peace." In 15 years among muslims, I never met an American woman who converted for intellectually based religious reasons to Islam, not one. It's either women coming out of abusive childhoods who remain attracted to domination and control, women from abusive prior marriages with kids and needing a husband/father figure, older women unable to find American husbands and hoping that importing someone would mean long term committment (I qualify on all three).

Updated my voting registration for the upcoming elections, something I neglected for awhile. While the system is thoroughly corrupted, to sit back and allow someone as despicable as Fatah lover Clinton to get in or even worse, the media hyped inexperienced Obama, touted by liberal idiots as a reincarnated Kennedy, is worse than not voting at all.

minor breakthru

maybe not so minor...ComingHome must also mean coming home to 'self' not simply yiddishkeit. I realized this evening that it has not been so much finding the road to yiddishkeit that i've been searching for, but a home. The only community open, that offered me a home after my father died, was Lubavitch. Albeit begrudgingly, snobbishly and by relegating me to the outskirts as a geress not worth paying much attention to with chinuch, not worth investing much interest in as their were not parents/finances to cultivate, tolerated, then married off.
I've been so desperately trying to find a external home to replace the one I lost, to not feel the terror inside of what was ripped away...but not suddenly. I wanted to write suddenly, but it was years in the making. Years of violence and alcohol, years of dread and tippytoeing around, years of silence, I'm not speaking to your mother, Go ask your father, Put your father to bed, Sing your father a lullaby so maybe he'll go to sleep, Go give this money to your mother...lying in bed and waiting for the night shows to begin. .."keep your voice down A. the girls will hear you..."
You could never hear him until he lost control of his rage, he spoke in a drumbeat, staccato barbs that didnt let up insulting her, letting her know he had her followed, I dont make this stuff up, he had her followed and knew everything she did, everyone she saw and sometimes I think on this and wonder how any woman, because I can't, how any woman can listen to this level of abuse and eat it, day in and day out and still apply their makeup, get dressed up, go out and do as they like. How do they do that?
I've come to the conclusion, these are all questions no individual mind can answer, I certainly can't answer as I've been asking them silently nin one way or another for many years. My mother died without giving a clue to any consciousness or sense of responsibility. I;ve been so mentally obliterated thinking it was religion I was hungering for, when it was family and place, as well as G-d's protection and yiddishkeit. So mentally blotto I left 5 children to fend for themselves with a father who still hasn't recognized he also is a father of five children who need help. Our middle daughter is running off now also on aliyah. I am convinced neither of the girls are making aliyah for the right reasons, whether they are ultimately successful or not. I smell the same symptoms I had...no options, no family support, no money, no idea of what to do with their lives....so run...anywhere is better than the here and now. Our oldest has been there at least 7 years and is still hoping to be accepted into the police academy. She claims to be involved with domestic violence outreach with both jews and arabs. She returns to the US in plainclothes, without any proof of her stories or income. Our middle daughter started college 2x and withdrew to being aliyah procedures. I called their father 2 weeks ago, to try again to open a dialogue, to explain we need to speak as parents to our kids. Seems I'm too late, he feels the kids are doing great, he's so proud of them. None are married, all are in psychic pain, none finished college, the youngest didnt even finish high school, doesnt even have a birth certificate with his correct name because his father didnt want to give the name I asked for and left it blank...
I think what I'm encountering within myself, is not whether these things are fixable, its the seemingly insurmountable pile of shit in front of me that needs shoveling, I dont know where to dig first. The Rebbe used to say L'hat hi l'arriber...roughly, jump over (when you cant go around). In this case, with so many lives involved, so much pain over many years and families, I dont know how to 'jump'--I've been frozen and in the last year have actually tried to go beyond freezing to frozen completely, not the act of freezing, but stone cold numb. It's one thing to be rejected by parents, but to be rejected by your own children, why live?
I started this writing for myself as a process to learn, move forward, nothing more. Its a public disclosure to force myself to remember and continue remembering. BEcause everyday is another opportunity to bury it deeper and become number and further away from humanity. I've grown to be so afriad of human contact I prefer being alone and indoors. Noise makes me jump and babies squalling untended, women yelping or screaming can make me ill for hours. I can't take being stared at, I dont know why people look. I am invisible and have been treated as such and now prefer to live that way.
I painted my kitchen last week and then did the other 2 rooms. Both the cat and I remained here, I didnt realize we would get sick from the paint fumes. She's pretty much recovered, it took her 3 days of sleeping, not food, wobbley walking and drinking alot. I got bronchitis and am still coughing up garbage. But l'hat hi'l'arriber, the walls are clean in our 3 room cell.

On leave, on meds, vitamins

I'm on leave from work.
Taking daily prilosec, carafate, hyoscyam (IBS), 50,000I.U Vit. D, 3,000mg B12, mega multivitamin, one antidepressant and sleep medication.
Trying not to think about going back there, but it's probably inevitable since resumes sent out produce no results.