Do not take ur sleep meds and proceed to post

That is my lame excuse for the previous post It Must Be Wonderful. I should know by now but for some reason this refill is extra strong...Chinese generics...and I can usually get away with whatever I'm doing. When I start seeing double, I know it's time to hit the pillow. The power of the particular pain med I use is unusual in that, instead of being sedated, I become hyper. Me hyper=the honey do list gets done, the one I should hire 'a guy' who does odd jobs that require climbing ladders repeatedly taking down curtains and replacing them, hanging pictures and the dreaded sorting of hundreds of documents that need to be either filed or shredded. And it doesnt happen with every brand of this med, only one. The newer one knocks me out which I hate, the reason for using this is pain that is so debilitating I cant focus on anything except trying to find a comfortable position to escape pain (left hip, groin, knee, lower back...all on the left side.) Ms Puss was mewing this morning at 7:30am when neighbor went to work. I think he walks right past her, I never hear him say anything, she just sits and waits after she sees its not our door. But this morning she was all agitated and not on the steps but at the door itself ready to come in and have a look see for her food dish. The boys rushed the door and kind of pushed her back out, back down the steps and she began to hiss as if its her place and what the heck are you guys thinking? I'm late for breakfast but I made it, so lets eat. She becomes frightened but Booties loves her coming around, waits on the window sill looking for her, just wants to sit near her. Shes okay with Bootie if she's not being growled at by Mr. B, and he does growl. I get the same rolling roaring growl when his claws are being trimmed. No matter how careful I am, with him its an invasion of privacy and his dignity. So I just head butt while talking to him and clipping quickly, but not much can be done with his back toenails...they are too long, very sensitive and its ridiculous to be writing about cat toe nails. I expect to 'pay' for the work I did today by tomorrow when the med wears off but at least these things got done, the AC is out and put away, curtains were nagging at me and now all the windows are correctly private while open for air and the cats can sit on the sills. And no bald men can look in to see if I'm awake. 3,400 new housing settlements in East Jerusalem...but they dont want old-er people. This is wonderful news for olim and families waiting for so long to settle into a home.

How Wonderful it must be...

To be born to the right parents, into a family of yechus within a community where you are respected and liked. Where your children can attend yeshivah and you can afford tuition. HOw wonderful to be invited to simchas and when you are ill,to be asked if there is anything you need. How wonderful when you can trust people to be no more or less than they present themselves so you know who you are talking to, friends with and can make amends when needed. How wonderful to be inside the human race, the Jewish race, in a community with leadership untouched by scandal, proud and kosher in every psak helping maintain the right path in every place. Reading tehillim each morning, it seems that only a few generations after Sinai and leaving Egypt that the spiritual deterioration had already begun. Reading the prayers of King David running for his life, begging for protection from G-d, hiding and praying that one day they will all pay for the pain, suffering and believing the lies rumored about him, not believing he was a man of G-d and each thing he did was preordained. I read Asaph, who is very difficult to read because he so grieved at the condition of the Jewish people and himself. The descriptions he writes of his body shriveled as a wine skin, his bones dry as dust, parched and groaning, his tears soaking the bedclothes...being forced to drink 'a flask of tears' or given vinegar to drink by their captors. Here we are thousands of years later with the same laments, the same isolation from the rest of the world and for others isolated from almost everyone around them. We are told to reacch out. In all my life through training and experiencing rejection that hardest thing for me is to ask for anything, the few times I do ask I get hammered. As noted elsewhere Jewish agencies have lost so much funding they are laying off staff, cutting back programs and so social care programs are practicaly none existent. An agency woman almost yelled at me when I said I moved to PA, alone pretty much to make my way, she asked why I was living outside the well known and more insular Jewish community where I would have a network of people around me. People dont network around you without reason. I worked for 25 years and people network to benefit their own agendas and promote their own goals, if you fit into that scheme, welcome aboard. I cant fix the past and cannot fathom reaching out to strangers to create a future, so I am alone wth 2 cats with a boulder that sits on my chest making even a breath, difficult. I force myself to wash dishes because I cant face them in the morning. The kitchen is not conducive to any serious cooking, almost no counter space, any no exhaust fan so anything in or on top of oven smells up the apt for hours. THe movers somehow did not pack the box with my expensive jaquard curtains that could cover the entire front window. They left so much behind, like it was hefker, tney had to leave and make other stops on the way back, just wanted to get it all over with. They brought a van too small and then blamed me for not packing the right way. I can count on one hand the wholesome complete meals I've cooked since arriving. And those are usually made when the kids plan to come for dinner, otherwise its a deli sandwhich of turkey, or something as boringly simple. Food is nauseating now, there is no pleasure in it. The one good thing is I cannot shop much here as its hard to walk to and from the market, the market is huge and that's alot more walking until reaching home and dragging bags up the stairs. I think I found a laundromat not far but dot want to risk goint there alone, getting lost with a basket of laundry. People say, Oh I will take you to wash, let me know...but I cant knock on some working persons door and ask to be driven to wash my clothes, who does that? The laundry I had picked up last week was returned almost dry with dryer sheets clearly not used for me, floating among the clothes and left me wondering when i smelled eerything if they even went through a wash cycle or just were tossed in the dryer,folded and repackaging. Thinking of New York, its easy to dismiss the quarter century of work because it was so grueling, years of eating sh**t on almost no money, living in rooms with strangers, being a target for jokes by male grad students who invited me over for philo study one night and asked me to bring a pizza for everyone. I stop and buy a large pie and knock. They are all sitting naked from the waist down reading Aristotle. I guess I was supposed to shriek and run out but I sat down and tried participating in the group study, which wasnt the plan. So after a half hour of silence while they sat naked reading, I got the point and left. Why would you do that to someone? Dont ever ask me again what will you do with all this time now? Because my skin is raw, my bones as well are dry as dust from grief and being ina crowd and completely alone. Its like being born with a mark and you cant see it but everyone else does. I dont like being the clown or rachmunus, so I stay away, avoid people altogether, the pain of trying to exchange words that will lead to something longer term is too much. 3 woman gave me their names and numbers...all goyim and I bring myself to call any of them. I dont do bars or sit and drink. You know if you dont have these things, good parents, friendships, human connections in place early on, you never have them. I went to work and my first effort in my new job in the mid-80s was to look around and see who I could invite out for dinner or a movie. A very helpful Black woman in IT was helping me set up our database and showing me how to use it. I called her and asked if she was free to have dinner. She kind of snickered and whe nI asked about seeing a movie, she looked at me sideways. "Who are you to ask me to go anywhere, what's wrong you dont have friends?" Actually no, I recently escaped from Crown Heights, lost custody of my children and after 13 years isolated without TV or much of anything, the world seems more daunting than when I left it in '73. I seem to vacillate between a feeling of such black despair and at the same time cannot mention these things to anyone for fear of being locked away. I dont trust my own children to protect me,feeling they would be the first ones to suggest a cold room and restraints until common sense returns and the demons are at bay. Children born in the right way, with the right people who know the right rituals and blessings, who welcome a child into a Jewish community not a world of chaos or mixed marriage, these are the people who will live to see grandchildren and Moshiach. I dont know whether the rest of us will be welcome to join in the community at that point, but I understand so well why Veronica sat silent until age 17 at Maimonides the summer I took care of her. Some of us have a gift of being brain disrupted by mental disease that removes us physically from the world andits horros. Other of us retain sanity and even intelligence and see and hear everything as if we are reliving a nightmare or punishment from another existence. There is no rhyme or reason to my life, no reaons to be disliked, scorned.The daily seder I put into place makes the rest of the day more profoundly painful. You cant say much of a anything these days, express despair and wanting to leave it all behind and there's always some asshole who suddenly cries out, call Samaritans, call 911 to pick her up and then you lose all right to even your darkest moments, you become physical as well as mentally a prisoner of war. You will live they say, you will take meds and learn who wonderful life is and it never is, its progreasinly more horrible with each lonely year coming and going. I watch TV only to hear the voices of other humans, most of what is on is so stupid as to boggle the mind, who spend money producing such garbage? I want to bake, but everyone stopped eating sugar,white flour. I as feeling poor calico Puss at 8am and she suddenly looked up and over at another year. A small pug was growling thru the fence and the owner was watching me place a dish of food for the cat, a cat not mine, but a cat here every day for breakfast and a bedtime meal. She stood there and when I waved, she turned and pulled the leash. I asked the upstairs friendly youngs woman to watch my cats for 2-3 days to avoid botheing the kids. I didnt give her a date when she said, Oh I'm leaving for Colorado and boarding my dog, sorry. But I hadnt given her any dates, she leaving for a short trip, I guess do this was something to involved or beneath her. It took all my front teeth out to even leave her a note and speak with her but the reponse was what I expected, but ha hoped maybe it would work out. She has a dog and understands animals need care whe they need it, not when you're in the mood. My life ended when I could no longer become pregnant due to fibroid and had emergency surgery. There was no reaosn to live, if a woman cant procreate, what else is she for? Men look for sex with woman half their age, I was already 40 an a mother of 5, my life was over. WRite a book? about my entree into Chabad and departure? I left 5 children in the community and hoped to G-d they would not be punished and find shidduchim worthy of marriage. Maybe I just need to get this surgery done and over with, to heal from so much pain doing the smallest chore or walks. Right now the best and safest place is bed with a night light, the doors locked and a book to read before sleep.

It's the Little Things

And it all accumulates. Maybe for some people it gets blown off into the wind...but I feel like Sisyphus carrying the damned globe up the hill and I never quite make it before sliding back down to start all over again. I've never seen a medical system as the one in PA. Maybe its just getting sucky everywhere now thanks to ObamacrapKare. First I made appointments from NY, to ensure I had doctors in place when I got here. But due to changes in the health care system in PA, they are consolidating, doctors are running off because they dont like one system or another or wont accept one insurance coverage or the other...First Rhuematologist I met with was beyond belief, his own nurse was arguing with him that he had done something he thought he had taken care of and she was really ticked as I'm sitting waiting FOR THREE HOURS. Two of which I spent in the general waiting room, the third hour was sitting in an ice cold exam room. He walks in without a word, plops himself at the computer screen and stares at it I guess looking for my first visit summary so he would know what to say...and it goes on for 3 minutes in total silence. I ask him, if I had offended him or what the problem was because after waiting 3 hours its kinda strange to come in without saying anything. Then he forgot to fax my prescription to the mail order pharmacy, I wait 2 weeks patiently, it takes them along time anyway and then when I call them, they never got the script. Leave a message on the healthcare intranet asking him to fax the damn script, he calls me late Friday, and by then I was actually sick with something else and tell him, something is wrong and its not rhuematological. He sez, take the medicine as soon as you get it, that's probably all that's wrong...I went next morning to urgent care, had a full exam and chest xray, diagnosed w pnuemonia (explains the extreme fatigue that was even worse than the normal fatigue from autoimmune illness, the chills, the low grade fever) you get my point, he's Lost in Space. So I look for another rhuematologist find ONLY one that has excellent patient ratings, the catch is you wait 2-3 months to see her. I get an appointment, this was 4 weeks ago and was supposed to see her tomorrow. Every doctor works differently here, some use the compuer system to communicate with patients, others dont want to be bothered-call the secretary, some office staffs are super efficient, others seem to work as if they're doing patients a favor sending in prescriptions or faxing something. New rhuemi's staff never sent a packet of forms to fill out for tomorrows visit, but even better they know I'm new to PA, on disability and didnt tell me I live an hour away-BY CAR OR BUS. I call to cancel because there's no way I can afford car service there and back. Bus doesnt stop at her office address, its a 5 minute walk away with a transit note that some walk ways may be in repair or not available, huh? I call to cancel and appointment lady tells me it'll be at least 2 months before next available appointment. So I confirm thinking I can make the visit if I borrow money from daughter (the shame of asking one's child for money) and then after mapping the trip so I know what to expect with car service, how early to call in advance, only then do I see how far this office is from my apartment. I call to cancel-the cancellation line is not taking calls, I get disconnected 2x. I go online to cancel-they've blocked that possibility and have a note to call the office if cancellation is necessary. After scratching my ear I call back and dont press the same line, but press "all other calls" and the one who picks up is the one who does appointments...busy lady. I finally cancel. If they had just said, lady this is a really long trip, do you want to think about seeing her downtown instead, either way its a 6-8 week wait for an appointment...but no. I think the assumption is every person here has a car, access to a car or can jump on a bus. As the ACCESS system, my PC doctor screwed me with a BS letter that had to be redone and then when I called the ACCESS office, was told dont apply UNTIL AFTER SURGERY. So when its the worst time, then ask for ACCESS. London Bridges Burning Down-this is another example of a Euro country welcoming immigrants, immigrants refusing to meld with the rest of the country except to open shops that cater to their own communal needs and then getting annoyed when the government realizes its getting sucked dry as every one that can escape Egypt, AFrica, Iraq, etc. are given either fiancee or refugee status and benefits to help them resettle. And resettle they do, because they havent ever lived with someone paying their rent, medicals, food while they sit back and complain or parade in the streets yelling about sharia law and now are fomenting rage because they see the British living well and decide its time to burn down civilization now because sooner or later we had planned to do it anyway for the calipha. Water cannons, rubber bullets? Cammeron needs to take a page from El Assad get real and fast. You're good to people, they bite you until they can take everything you have and destroy you. Employers hire people under hours to avoid paying health insurance, companies like GE sending new manufacturing business over to China while Oblama blames everyone on the list Geithner told is causing problems i.e. tea party insurrection refusing to allow debt ceiling auto raise so we can continue to live in the Land of Monetary Delusions where we spend what we dont have and promise to pay China what we cant and keep hoping the wolf wont knock at the door. But what China does is continue to hack into every secret and important computer in the US, send us sub par medicines called 'generics' manufacture good with chemicals so foul I've had to throw out a shopping cart because the wheels stunk so powerful, even two weeks on the porch didnt change the stink. A tote bag that smelled the same way, waited a week on the porch, hoping it would air out, straight into the dumpster. Cheap clothes, shoes, everything made for short term use so we have to replace it and they will send us more shit they made so we can buy it, we have to buy it...they own us. It adds up? Am I the only one a nervous wreck from these things? me and Louis Black. Still threatening and insinuating the Medicare, SS and other 'entitlement' programs are getting cut back. But GE can send manufacturing jobs to China. LimpNoodle Reid is heading the big economic committee to decide how to move forward. Reid...laptop to Pelosi and brown noser to Oblama is going to decide who gets what, where the pain is spread. Reid the King of Nevada Pork projects. But the best news of the day is there is a petition going around that Bert and Ernie of Sesame Street are thought to be gay and the petitioners are demanding they be married on TV as a gay couple to teach pre schoolers tolerance of "others." They're freakin puppets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But somehow in the decades since Jim Henson created them, the fact that they room together like The Odd Couple, its been decided they're gay. It says something about the gay community that they have to use 2 hand puppets as mascots to further their cause in destroying Western society as we once knew it. And whispered on the news, dont blink or you'll miss it, is that Oblama declared that every insurance company MUST cover birth control pills and ob/gyn for free as part of annual health care. I'm not pro abortion, I am for a woman making decision about her body not the government, but in this case he's cancelling out what he perceived the Right has demanded which is an end to later term abortions. Women anywhere should not be using abortion as a means of contraception and because men are selfish condoms remain dusty in their boxes and women can choose to get sick from birth control pills, IUD that float around dangerously in our bodies or strange shots 3x a year that possibly will have bad effects decades later, we'll wait to hear from the useless FDA that allows Chiness poisoned fish, foods, meds and chemically tainted goods to come into the country while they turn the other way...because China owns us. The whole world is mad, thats it in a nutshell. I dont care what rabbi says what about the messiah is around the corner so lets get happy. If he is, he's got some falutin mess to come look at and I want to hear from him at that point to 'be b'simcha' after he checks out everything going on. I say my prayers, read my Tanya and other unmentionables, dont blame me for not cleaning up this mess. They found water on Mars?...how many light years does it take to reach Mars from here? And they're worried about the water rights to Mars? Tell the Messiah you want the water rights on Mars and see where He tells you to go.