Yontif...

Yom kippur was a bust. Couldnt get past the fear of walking cold into a shul to ask if i could hear mussaf, kol nidre, say kaddish. So me and my artscrolls stayed home,made kaporas with money, bentched, cooked yontif foods and davened...being alone i had to say the chazen's and congregation parts. dont laugh, i think G-d was probably not too happy if He heard any of it.

I've been refused by every Jewish publication I submitted "A letter from the City of Refuge"--Hamodia wrote they would publish if edited down to 700, I edited and turned it in, silence. Since '86, after leaving crown heights, I felt like and was treated like a leper. What I didnt know is that this is indicative of the entire yiddishe velt--'mesirah' and a chilul H*shem remain guiding principles, no matter how grave or dirty the community laundry is. Denial of abuse by men against women and children, husbands, rabbis, day care centers staffed with untrained russian immigrants, women taking in yeshivah bochurs for meals and other activities...hide your faces all of you, pretend nothing is going on, pretend those who leave are the sinners, tell yourselves that the Truth is a chilul H*shem...I think its a sign of our generation, all religions are in philosophical denial.

Last Pope euthanized? Priests bankrupting the church with their sexual depravities, rabbis... leaders of us Chosen folk sending women back to their abusers, hiding molestation of yeshivah kids, Islam is the quintessential contradiction...the religion of peace promoting death and ignorance at every turn...sending a moronic mouthpiece to NY to spew his 'final solution' and offer an olive branch for us all to convert. He tried the stick, now he's trying the carrot approach. In case no one's paying attention, its traditional in islam to offer the captives, idolators and kafirun an opportunity to convert before they're condemned to death. Or you can live as a 2nd class citizen and pay a special tax rate only for non muslims...if you're allowed to remain alive.

I was initially offended that Lee Bollinger hosted the underdressed ignoramous today, but after reading the statements Bollinger made, statements that this government, our media and worst of all other academicians haven't had the badahn (cohones) to say out loud, I can only hope he sent a few copies of the transcript back with Ahmaddidit so they can read it over leisurely in Qum and plan their next conversion project with a better understanding of what the enemy really thinks of them.

Co-opting Judaism

About 10 years ago I was invited to attend a conference in upstate NY where Holocaust survivors meet annually with the children of Germans who had actively taken part in the war, as opposed to those who claimed ‘we knew nothing, saw nothing…”

The first days were spent with survivors describing what they had lived thru. Emotionally devastating to listen to, slowly, methodically spoken, with such dispassionate facts. One might mistake this manner of speech as a kind of numbness, when it actually is just the opposite, a rawness so deep it must be contained with very careful speech.

Young Germans spoke about the stories they had heard from their parents, trying to explain why they did what they had to do, in that time, sometimes defending their roles, sometimes apologizing to thier own children for the legacy they marked their family with. The sense of shame some of these young adults felt was clear and in my opinion wasted. The final day of the 3 day conference culminated in both groups coming together, Germans offering apologies and survivors trying to accept their verbal offerings.

While cathartic for many, the process seemed an erasure of a history so inexplicable and debased, that apologies border(ed) on pathology.

This pathology becomes clearer as more recently Holocaust revisionists, deniers and others have begun claiming that Jews are “exploiting” an ‘incident’ similiar to the suffering of many peoples. The Jews are milking a moment of suffering (the Holocaust)and have themselves become nazis to other people in a land they stole and sit in illegally. Antisemitism continues to flourish throughout Europe, grows intensely in the Mid East and percolates more quietly in America.

In Poland there is currently a revival of Jewish culture, foods, dances. In one of the most destructive countries that both slaughtered and built the ghettos and ovens of destruction, this too, is a perverse celebratory cannibalism of the dead. Yiddish is no more alive today than the millions of Jews who were sent to their deaths. Yiddish only exists in tiny communities were chassidim continue to use it. And Singer is one of the rare writers that can be read in English without losing nuance; you either know the culture he describes or you dont.

That Others take on the cloak of dead Jews, already soaked in blood and try it on, attempting to fool ‘blind’ folk into believing the Chosen son remains alive, means nothing more than the deceptive act it is. BEcause Others chose to forget or forgive themselves doesnt mean Jews have forgotten or forgiven. Although forgetting, like selective memory is becoming preferrable and politically correct.

Yiddish is a sacred language, I would liken it to Aramaic–which may sound bizaare–both languages created the sacred laws defining a people and the means with which they communicated in their daily lives.

Fin

I purchased machzorim and a mezuzah at Eichler's. With no shul to go to, davening at home is the schedule. This week, a series of incidents, some minor, some not have me remembering that since 1973 I've been looking for acceptance within the jewish community. For whatever reasons, emotional, spiritual, intellecutal, none of that matters now.

What's become clear, is that just because I stepped away from chassidus in '86 and now want to reconnect, for myself as well as the kids, the same doors remain closed. The fact is I remain a geress,without family, only older now and even less useful.

I watched Soldiers of G-d and was so charged up by the movement to keep Yerushalyim intact. I looked online and found their website, emailed to say it was amazing work, that I hoped the reaction and support would be tremendous. I got a phone call from Hikind asking me to host an open house so she could come pitch for money. Surely I knew people or people who knew people to support the movement. I was embarrassed to say I dont live between Jews, in 2 rooms and there are even fewer jews at the college. I sent them tzedakah...I feel like a scab on a wound. If I had MONEY to give, doors would suddenly open in many ways. I called the JBFS and asked if they have support groups for women, they only have an older group that meets but they mailed me 4 fliers for tai chi and yoga sessions, 2 of which already happened months ago.

It all feels familiar. I've been thru this already...there's no place
The subject of being part of the jewish community, any jewish community is now closed. It hasnt happened and will not happen. The very few jews that know what I've lived thru actually have apologized on behalf of Jewry to me, as if 'real' Jews owe the convert an apology for 'bad behaviour'. That's how deep the schism is and they dont even get it. And the conversation always ends the same....talking about the negatives inside the community doesnt help anyone, we all know about the abusers, molesters, thieves, liars...but they exist everywhere. It's because I lived inside, studied chassidus and loved the Rebbe z'tl that this doesnt wash...jews are better than that, better than accepting filth as part of life. Maybe we've come so far and live is so dark now we can't even see the distinction between what is good and evil.

I dont even know at this point what it is I 'want.'
My childhood is gone, I already was converted, married and had children inside chassidus, what's to bitch about? Happiness? A decent mate? Millions want the same and never get it. The frum community is what it is and owes me nothing.

I dont know what's left to write here...I began this blog to journal about returning to a frum life. My 'frum' life is totally internalized, lived inside 2 rooms. And that will have to be enough, becuase the ABishter alone didnt abandon me, ever and its only to Him I owe anything to now.

Not a day, not an hour, not a space between each breath and my flesh, that I do not think about death. Its not even depression. Depression is a state, an existence separate that one moves into and possiblyt out of. This is different, its blood, its instead of life. Its no different than someone being a prisoner or lost somewhere alone and instinctively trying to stay alive. Even when it appears clear there is not purpose, instinct kicks in, but the darkness has already overwhelmed any hope for actual life. Only being frum seemed to resolve this issue. I have no other explanation for eating, working, shitting and starting it over again each day.