Since I was accepted in the study area that uses medicine, I saw the psychopharmacologist first. He asked me questions about me and my father which is the core subject of my participation in this grief study. Frankly have to say because my thoughts are all over, everything is so connected and unsorted, that it is hard to recall alot of what was asked because my answers were so drawn out... not unfocused as much as for me, one thing is related to another and another...its like a domino life. One incident triggers the world crashing down.
Triggers include a night of drunken screaming and accusations about my mother
next morning she might be beat up or they're not speaking and I have no clue what the cause is-I realized I wrote "cause is" and erased it to put "cause was" but that's indicative of how immediate 40 years ago remains for me.
And the crashing down is how the followig weeks would entail whispers in the kitchen with my mother-who suddenly found her 6 yr old useful or helpful-on how to resolve the standoff and get the family funds flowing again. Sometimes it involved me baking something my father liked or her making a dish of food he loved...there was always days, hours of thinking out to manipulate family members to get back on the dysfunction track=normal again.
So one thing I realized today is that I cant separate out one issue from another-everything is related. To make things worse, I found this was compounded by office politics were people say one thing to your face and gossip behind your back, thereby you never know who to trust, who's a friend and colleague and who's actively working to stab you. And then they say, "its not personal"
But its ALL personal...isnt it?
All politics are local, national, global...arent they?
I dont know that my domino defense is so far out in left field.
Feel free to write anything or say anything at any point, no hard feelings.
I've been asked to bring 1 family member in for one upcoming session.
This is nothing like conventional therapy-the first 3 sessions are preparatory for the 10 weeks following where intense grief work is done. Plus I was given reading material and homework to do each day. I keep a brief daily diary or worst sad/grief episode and least and then note what was going on that triggered a sense of grief, be it a thought, an actual incident, a person or whatever.
Laugh, cry, drift off in thought constantly...I had to pull myself back into the present tense over and over.
I went in at 1, left at 5:00pm. But I dont think the sessions will continue to be this long...I can take it...dont know if my doctors can LOL.
Triggers include a night of drunken screaming and accusations about my mother
next morning she might be beat up or they're not speaking and I have no clue what the cause is-I realized I wrote "cause is" and erased it to put "cause was" but that's indicative of how immediate 40 years ago remains for me.
And the crashing down is how the followig weeks would entail whispers in the kitchen with my mother-who suddenly found her 6 yr old useful or helpful-on how to resolve the standoff and get the family funds flowing again. Sometimes it involved me baking something my father liked or her making a dish of food he loved...there was always days, hours of thinking out to manipulate family members to get back on the dysfunction track=normal again.
So one thing I realized today is that I cant separate out one issue from another-everything is related. To make things worse, I found this was compounded by office politics were people say one thing to your face and gossip behind your back, thereby you never know who to trust, who's a friend and colleague and who's actively working to stab you. And then they say, "its not personal"
But its ALL personal...isnt it?
All politics are local, national, global...arent they?
I dont know that my domino defense is so far out in left field.
Feel free to write anything or say anything at any point, no hard feelings.
I've been asked to bring 1 family member in for one upcoming session.
This is nothing like conventional therapy-the first 3 sessions are preparatory for the 10 weeks following where intense grief work is done. Plus I was given reading material and homework to do each day. I keep a brief daily diary or worst sad/grief episode and least and then note what was going on that triggered a sense of grief, be it a thought, an actual incident, a person or whatever.
Laugh, cry, drift off in thought constantly...I had to pull myself back into the present tense over and over.
I went in at 1, left at 5:00pm. But I dont think the sessions will continue to be this long...I can take it...dont know if my doctors can LOL.
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