We clarified why my daughter is being asked to come in. Its not to ask her to be a caretaker, but to share what this work is, what I'm doing and why. This part of my life is not something my children ever knew about other than my father died when I was relatively young and they had a grandmother who never actually acknowledged them, she refused to be called a 'grandmother.'
I was also reminded she IS an adult aside from being my 'child' and can be expected to hear, listen and respond as an adult.
Something that came up was my need to actually define 'grief' and what I am grieving about. My assumption all these years was that it is about Father, but I wonder if the actual issue precedes his death, that the grieving is about the emotional isolation and lack of attachment by both parents to my sister and me.
My mother was a first class narcissist, Grade A+ Prime.
My father was in his 60s trying to hold onto a much younger wife and 2 young children while drinking heavily, worrying even more heavily and grieving his aging self, he was chronically depressed.
So its noted that my primary aim as a child was just to survive in this atmosphere, but I've never left 'survival mode'. Or crisis mode, or being on constant alert and overdrive, while simultaneously being terrified of people,distrustful of just about everyone and throw in social anxiety and agoraphobia now. I would say distrustful about everyone but I'm usually comfortable with doctors.
We did an exercise of imaginary thinking and what would I want if I could have anything right at that moment? And I came up with something that surprised even me. I would like to go to the Italian neighborhood in the next town that has all kinds of food shops and buy all the forbidden things I ate as a child, that I cannot eat as an adult (pork anyone?) hard salami, capacola, proscutto, sharp provolone, some peasant bread, olives, uncover my hair and get a decent hair cut, maybe color all the grey, learn how to use makeup (yes, at age 58, pathetic isnt it?-my mother was a MODEL and couldnt find the time to teach these things, like you learn it from the air) maybe get a wardrobe that is flattering. I'd ,like to add lose weight but the likely hood of that happening, its been a life long fight.
I felt like wanting to throw off the restrictions and integrate both halves of my life, both sides of my family to complete myself, stop feeling shame about so many things or what people say or who the hell cares anymore.
This week's homework is to delve into that subject, write about it and think about making it happen, what steps can be taken to start the process.
I was also reminded she IS an adult aside from being my 'child' and can be expected to hear, listen and respond as an adult.
Something that came up was my need to actually define 'grief' and what I am grieving about. My assumption all these years was that it is about Father, but I wonder if the actual issue precedes his death, that the grieving is about the emotional isolation and lack of attachment by both parents to my sister and me.
My mother was a first class narcissist, Grade A+ Prime.
My father was in his 60s trying to hold onto a much younger wife and 2 young children while drinking heavily, worrying even more heavily and grieving his aging self, he was chronically depressed.
So its noted that my primary aim as a child was just to survive in this atmosphere, but I've never left 'survival mode'. Or crisis mode, or being on constant alert and overdrive, while simultaneously being terrified of people,distrustful of just about everyone and throw in social anxiety and agoraphobia now. I would say distrustful about everyone but I'm usually comfortable with doctors.
We did an exercise of imaginary thinking and what would I want if I could have anything right at that moment? And I came up with something that surprised even me. I would like to go to the Italian neighborhood in the next town that has all kinds of food shops and buy all the forbidden things I ate as a child, that I cannot eat as an adult (pork anyone?) hard salami, capacola, proscutto, sharp provolone, some peasant bread, olives, uncover my hair and get a decent hair cut, maybe color all the grey, learn how to use makeup (yes, at age 58, pathetic isnt it?-my mother was a MODEL and couldnt find the time to teach these things, like you learn it from the air) maybe get a wardrobe that is flattering. I'd ,like to add lose weight but the likely hood of that happening, its been a life long fight.
I felt like wanting to throw off the restrictions and integrate both halves of my life, both sides of my family to complete myself, stop feeling shame about so many things or what people say or who the hell cares anymore.
This week's homework is to delve into that subject, write about it and think about making it happen, what steps can be taken to start the process.
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