If you cannot love, you might as well be 6ft under. Its like living in a desert.
I actually forgot what a woman can feel like, kept saying I'm too old now to think about anything but preparing for end of life. This has less to do with illness than just feeling like a failure at relationships and never finding someone to return love. There's always been someone who NEEDS me to lean on me, marriage or otherwise, but love... if we might define it as a feeling that has no ulterior motive except that widening of the heart, the feeling that the heart beats faster, that you want to be in that persons arms, that this love fits, feels rights.
I think part of the problem is, therapy wise, we, therapist and I are mentally/intellectually compatible, he's stronger than I am afraid, and there've been times when I say something so spot on, he leans forward and catches himself before actually touching my hand etc. He's called me 'dear' I'm sure with no intention other than he is kind.
Since this kind of behaviour is so foreign and I am so starved for it, I would like to say fcuk Freud and the concept of transference and note that I actually love this man. I know I cant marry or be with him, he's too ethical for that-but he represents everything in a human male that I've never been blessed to live with, as a father, uncle, husband.
So as ridiculous as this may sound, I'm not sure I want to discuss 'transference' any further with staff because its denying what I feel and calling it something else to make everyone comfortable. Why cant we call it what it is, and go on from there? I'm crying for days as if my heart is breaking and this poor man has done nothing except be kind....
I actually forgot what a woman can feel like, kept saying I'm too old now to think about anything but preparing for end of life. This has less to do with illness than just feeling like a failure at relationships and never finding someone to return love. There's always been someone who NEEDS me to lean on me, marriage or otherwise, but love... if we might define it as a feeling that has no ulterior motive except that widening of the heart, the feeling that the heart beats faster, that you want to be in that persons arms, that this love fits, feels rights.
I think part of the problem is, therapy wise, we, therapist and I are mentally/intellectually compatible, he's stronger than I am afraid, and there've been times when I say something so spot on, he leans forward and catches himself before actually touching my hand etc. He's called me 'dear' I'm sure with no intention other than he is kind.
Since this kind of behaviour is so foreign and I am so starved for it, I would like to say fcuk Freud and the concept of transference and note that I actually love this man. I know I cant marry or be with him, he's too ethical for that-but he represents everything in a human male that I've never been blessed to live with, as a father, uncle, husband.
So as ridiculous as this may sound, I'm not sure I want to discuss 'transference' any further with staff because its denying what I feel and calling it something else to make everyone comfortable. Why cant we call it what it is, and go on from there? I'm crying for days as if my heart is breaking and this poor man has done nothing except be kind....
No comments:
Post a Comment