In the 3-4 week of CG sessions I had in the back of my mind that I would have to inevitably deal with separation; this is always like a death/mourning for me. As mentioned previously, it happens with colleagues, years while mourning the separation of my children...and my father, the reason for participating in this intense study. However, the concern over separation slowly warped into a different situation last week when I had an assignment to take my father's death certificate, inside an envelope, and go to a nearby place, take out the envelope keeping the cert inside and just 'be' with my father's certificate, then go home.
To start, I got lost, even though my therapist was kind enough to print out traveling instructions and the address. I'm too new here, but got lost coming out of every subway station in NYC:-0
A very nice woman walked me to the correct bus stop, I had pretty much walked the trip just in the opposite direction and never would have gotten where I was to be.
When I got home I sat to think, was very tired and realized I had rushed to complete this assignment, not for myself but for the praise I would receive from my therapist. His approach to is softly praise every effort, be it in session or the homework. When we began working together I asked him not to be so gentle, I'm not used to this and it was hard to take seriously. In effect I needed to be disrespected and feel abused by another authority figure, as with my parents or employers.
He didnt budge and by this past week I found myself doing things, and so many assignments each day to complete, alot of writing, listening to a long tape we make each week, recording emotions and where and when they occur, learning self awareness and learning to reward myself when a thing is done and done correctly.
So I caught myself in two ways; firstly, my dreams became sexual in nature which is very unusual for me. Second was the realization that my desire to please him was more important than understanding what each assignment meant to me and then grieving prematurely because I felt I was wasting precious time having transference issues instead of being fully into the therapy.
I had the psychiatrist scheduled for today and had made notes and actually did not want to bring transference into my CG therapy, to avoid causing embarassement for either of us or conflict with our work; I thought the psych would hear me out and get me back on track.
Well both therapist and I got the schedule wrong last week, the psych was NOT in today, but the program director had to speak with me about release forms and once I was in her office cried me a river and explained what was going on.
She said transference is completely normal, after all it IS therapy and very intense and intimate in this form. She suggested I do bring it up and talk it out with the therapist. And so we did, spent about 1/3 of session time (2.5-3 hrs)
discussing and my explaining that while in my mind I get it, its not sex/love what he's become for me is a substitute father and his being warm and gentle only makes it worse to deal with.
He explained as well that the therapy is very intense and he has had patients who cannot have the kind of attachment or feelings that I have, that they anticipate in a healthy person desiring to heal is an innate craving for human attachment to others, that is indeed the hope of the program. He said something very kind, "..that if you did not have these feelings, this would not be the R. that I know and have come to know, because I feel and have read and heard your humor and wisdom."
my marching orders long term is learn how to be more gentle and caring for myself as he has been to me.
To start, I got lost, even though my therapist was kind enough to print out traveling instructions and the address. I'm too new here, but got lost coming out of every subway station in NYC:-0
A very nice woman walked me to the correct bus stop, I had pretty much walked the trip just in the opposite direction and never would have gotten where I was to be.
When I got home I sat to think, was very tired and realized I had rushed to complete this assignment, not for myself but for the praise I would receive from my therapist. His approach to is softly praise every effort, be it in session or the homework. When we began working together I asked him not to be so gentle, I'm not used to this and it was hard to take seriously. In effect I needed to be disrespected and feel abused by another authority figure, as with my parents or employers.
He didnt budge and by this past week I found myself doing things, and so many assignments each day to complete, alot of writing, listening to a long tape we make each week, recording emotions and where and when they occur, learning self awareness and learning to reward myself when a thing is done and done correctly.
So I caught myself in two ways; firstly, my dreams became sexual in nature which is very unusual for me. Second was the realization that my desire to please him was more important than understanding what each assignment meant to me and then grieving prematurely because I felt I was wasting precious time having transference issues instead of being fully into the therapy.
I had the psychiatrist scheduled for today and had made notes and actually did not want to bring transference into my CG therapy, to avoid causing embarassement for either of us or conflict with our work; I thought the psych would hear me out and get me back on track.
Well both therapist and I got the schedule wrong last week, the psych was NOT in today, but the program director had to speak with me about release forms and once I was in her office cried me a river and explained what was going on.
She said transference is completely normal, after all it IS therapy and very intense and intimate in this form. She suggested I do bring it up and talk it out with the therapist. And so we did, spent about 1/3 of session time (2.5-3 hrs)
discussing and my explaining that while in my mind I get it, its not sex/love what he's become for me is a substitute father and his being warm and gentle only makes it worse to deal with.
He explained as well that the therapy is very intense and he has had patients who cannot have the kind of attachment or feelings that I have, that they anticipate in a healthy person desiring to heal is an innate craving for human attachment to others, that is indeed the hope of the program. He said something very kind, "..that if you did not have these feelings, this would not be the R. that I know and have come to know, because I feel and have read and heard your humor and wisdom."
my marching orders long term is learn how to be more gentle and caring for myself as he has been to me.
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