Its not enough

...to ask someone to do something for me, because from the Beginning until last week, when I was lectured by my own child that I need to be the parent and stop waiting around for my kids to visit, its the most amazing thing, I cannot ask another human being for anything. THe response is always the same. You're strong, you can handle it. I am strong enough to cut my heart out and eat it, rather than ever ask 5 children that came from my belly that took hours of labor, nursing and deliberate desire to have them, rather than ever ask them, I'll eat my own heart. If it means not having surgery and living in this shit hole apartment in a wheelchair, I'll butcher my own heart and eat it, than to ask them for shit. Bli neder. We all carry something, this is my package--isolation. Watching my father lived a life of being shunned, I turned to religion only to find it continues. I said that I get it, I do, now its just dealing with the pain of realizing I moved to a place, like getting married and finding yourself more lonely than if you had lived knowing no one else was around...and yet they are, just too busy to be bothered or explain what irks them. My entire life was this way except when my father was alive. THe one human being who 'saw' and talked to me, for no reason except he found something worth looking at and listening to. I'm done interpreting or translating what is and isnt said. I'm resigned as if I was still in NY, let weeks, months go by until someone decides to call or send a text message. I may start a new FB page, a Place for ITS.