The Line between Faith and Fear

Those old demons sure can hang on tight. When someone like the man in the building next door comes around, a bully with serious emotional issues, who challenges a woman sitting with a cane on her own turf, comes up my steps uninvited to show me he can do it, no matter what I say, faith flies out the window. I got so rattled with fear that hip surgery was erased, all I could contemplate was safety, how to get away, flight- not fight-just flight. With enough money I might have followed thru on getting out of here, but my leg is so weakened now, its hard even to go 2 blocks to market and back. Postponing surgery because of borrowing money to move again, frightening the cats again and not taking care of really important business like health is an indication that my emotional issues are more of a problem than the loon causing them. I have anxiety medicine, but never use it except for sleep, that was its original purpose. Maybe that is something to reconsider for a period of weeks, this move has been stressful, lonely and situations like this just bring back old traumas. Since the landlord wont tolerate anything built into the apt, like a trac along the ceiling for a curtain, a room divider at the foot of the bed will block any window view, and if I'm on the porch later with the cats, it can block any view into the apartment as this man appear to look past the bedroom into the next room, has no compunction about staring inside. Maybe he's considering what might be of value, if not to be taken by him, by someone else he sends. Yes, paranoia is my middle name, and it continues after living with people who generated it. Parents who read diaries, husbands who stole saved money, letters, pictures for nefarious reasons, alcoholics, liars, bullies, addicts in one way or another every step of the way. My last bosses were control freaks. I spoke to one about being a professional mentor for me when she first came to the college. She said I would have to do everything she said, be available 24/7, have a dedicated cell phone and not question her directives. I thought about it, and told her I had already been in a kind of cult, that experience had been enough, but thanks anyway. I dont know if mentoring exists this way for everyone, or she was trying to scare me away, but this is brain washing or slavery. She left the college and the young woman who she did get to become like a protege, left the Masters program she was in, put off her marriage for 5 years and now is a secretary in the VP's office. The salary is 5 figures, maybe that's compensation for selling your life to someone who, in the end, does whats is in her own best interest, not the lives she turned upside down. And no where in all this, do I recall what I read every morning in tehillim, all the words of David ha Melech asking for protection, to be cured of despair and weeping-albeit he reminds G-d his own faith never wavered, just that daily living is not a bowl of cherries, so use your Right Hand to squash those who are after me, harrass me for no reason except their own gain and glory etc. David has faith, seemingly not fear. I have faith, as long as I'm reading or studying, otherwise I'm immersed in fear. If fear was not the dominating factor in my life maybe I would try to go out and walk the neighborhood. I'm so afraid of getting hit in a four lane crossing because the lights change quickly that getting 'there' and 'back' sucks the life out of me. This might change after hip surgery and my legs are made equal in length, right now its ridiculous and I felt like a moving target even while living in NY. Woman w cane and bag limping..what could we do with this mess for fun or profit? So I discovered from reading 2 people who interest me that I will continue to read up on, one is Miriam Adahan and her website. A frum female therapist, I havent read enough yet but it seems she lives in Israel. I'm praying praying that the female rhuematologist I found will be half as good as my NY doc, but at least she's treated everything I'm dianosed with. My living will and Will need to be notarized, so if the President doesnt play with social security in the coming days, I have a list of things that need doing, getting these documents finished is priority. I also found an orthodox cemetary that has space to purchase plots. This is such a load off my heart, its impossible to explain, but having parents who demanded cremation for all kinds of bitterness and bizaare reasons and having to fight my mother to protect my father's remains, tho he was cremated anyway, and then my sister telling me that my religious beliefs is not my mother's problem, she wanted cremation and thats what needs to be done. Another bully with no money to back up her big mouth. One sin after another seems to follow me. You can read all the texts, even the one proscribed by rabbonim, but the demons still find a way to coming visiting. Beloved Isaac, how well you know this world-at times I feel like a tuning fork vibrating from the whispers that cant stay and wont leave.