Thinking about...

Pissed off that a woman I knew from CH, an unemployed painter who had a child out of wedlock, just published her first book. Me, I'm filled with excuses...years ago I couldnt write 'a book' because my kids were young and still involved with chabad...then I was working 10 hr days with 4 hrs commute, then had my mother come to spend her last days, then remarried/divorced, now I'm sick with alot of time and I've come to the conclusion that somewhere deep inside I'm so afraid to put myself out there and possibly garner some attention when my entire life has been living like a shadow, twilight, hidden...in exile. So its all bullshit because plenty of wonderful writers are hermits, so that excuse is also off the table. I think there's enough written to put together a first draft, but for me genre or format is another wall in front of me. Writing here is easy because its like when I would get on stage in high school, look out on a dark filled auditorium it was magic, as if nothing existed except my words, whatever I created in that moment. I wasn't acting, we were protesting in the late '60s and I was a chief rabble rouser. So the feeling of power with anonymity is a heady cocktail...guess I'm not the only one, but the irony is that most of the popular blogs seems to be composites of other people's material and hard work, particularly the cooking blogs. Keep having flare ups of psoriatic arthritis (yep there it is, out for public consumption) where the few patches become so inflamed, swollen and cracked, the fatigue is so severe I cannot always remain awake, even sitting up its as if someone hit me over the head with a bat and said 'sleep...you are getting sleepy, your eyes are feeling heavy" and then I drop something like the hot tea, the book I'm trying to read and wake up. But its extremely humid here, even the cats are sluggish. They dont need much excuse to lie around and sleep or stare at me. This computer is on its last few moments I think...the sound is gone and I need something really secure and new. This decade old hand me down was a blessing 7 years ago, its amazing it lasted so long. I'm afriad if I wait too long,any files will be lost. Wanted to go to the market...deep dish apple pie on sale, can't mooooooove. Half a raw chicken has been sitting waiting attention in the fridge for 5 days, I see it every morning and grab something requiring no work. Pouring cereal into a bowl is exhausting. Then something seems urgent...I had to sweep the back porch. Got tired of the old leaves, broken twigs, the tree limbs at the bottom of the steps that no one clears away. Just plain damn sick of the mess, got the brush broom and swept the porch, steps, pushed the branches into a corner and everything is now nice is clear. Poured a bucket of water all over porch and almost went flying, cant hold that much weight and go down a step-I am due for hip replacement surgery but that crucial medical point somehow doesnt impact my daily duties like pushing furniture with the other hip or my back-that's the best invention I came up with, put your back against something huge, like a dresser and slooowly push it across the room, angle it into position, push it into whereever it has to sit. I dont lift or pull, just push everything around lolol. Scared myself this afternoon with the water bucket because that fall would have been very bad. Found a new cat tree company that makes amazing cat condos that are actually affordable and not the usual stupidly made contraptions. Cats like height. Both my cats have taken over the tops of the only 2 pieces of furniture in the bedroom. One hangs out on the dresser, the other took the fabric wardrobe I got to store linens. This company has a cat condo with has two cat cubbies and its about 53" high so its high enough and has a hiding place for each one. I dont want to hear any bitching once this is put together for them. I got it before I leave for the hospital so they each can hide somewhere other than under the rug which is a terrible remedy for their being afraid when someone steps into the apt-even my kids. so The Trail is over and the jury has been deliberating since 12pm 7.4.11. All the talking heads are making predictions. One IT guy, at least 2 nurses, 3 mothers, 7 women, 5 men. This trial was a national sensation for 3 yrs, they will want to 'get it right' not just get it over with, although we're hearing a jurist has vacation plans for 7.6.11 I would lean toward the end of the week, later rather than sooner for a verdict, but I tend to get few things right involving how other people think... Really worried about the post op issues of pain from surgery-seems like I've been dealing with pain for so many years, working around it, ignoring it until it became the sole issue in my life that everything else literally stopped-work, living in NY, being able to get around. On that optimistic note I should go see if that chicken is still fit to eat