Feb.07 Feelings...

Am I the only one feeling strong the growth of antisemitism?(me and Abe Foxman)...or am I so isolated from other jews, that I have no one to discuss this with. The only means of validating certain things going on is mass media and you can never be sure the reality of what's reported and what's agenda.
After Iran asked for people to debate the Holocaust, not 6 months ago, they're now asking for European countries to put forth proof that the Holocaust occured. I suppose they have already considered that 55 years after, most survivors have finally died, those who could recall the horror they lived through and the families they lost or witnessed being murdered, carted off on trains, stripped naked, beards sliced off, belongings stolen, babies butchered. Ghettos and isolation, humiliation. But you know this is signal in antisemitism; there is never proof sufficient to satisfy these monsters. They need to hate and the baseline is always the jew, they claim its "Israel" or some political entity but today the line become One. A cartoon shown all over the middle east depicting a clearly religious jew planting a swaztika growing up into a star of david...Iran is trying to set a foundation for Europe to accept and condone that Iran should do the 'right' thing and rid the world of jews. It is the same methodology Hitler used...gradual public dissemination of hate, building up a tolerance in people until it becomes a daily fact. The verbal then become isolated physical acts that are not immediately stopped...building a slow tolerance which then grows into increasing acts of violence...first the cemetary tombstones being turned ov er, spray painted with swaztikas, graffiti messages of antisemitism, public complaints that jews 'control' things, obscene accusations of blood libels...the verbal codes that are used about jews sucking 'life' and the 'blood' out of communities and economies...always alluding to old myths, code words, implicit messages, underlying agendas...
There is a small voice inside me saying this is all going to repeat, but I wasn't alive then so why its so clear I'm unsure. The very strange thing is years ago I had a recurring dream as a young girl in what I thought was germany, but did not know where...I was hiding in a forest wearing a dark green wool coat with velvet cuffs and collar running along the length of a stone wall. Above me there were long coated soldier running with dogs, hunting me, trying to find me...I held my breath waiting for them to find me, to die and it all seemed so familiar.
The theory of suppressed memories was discounted this month...I don't believe in reincarnation, so I don't know where this dream came from or why it seems unlike a dream and more like a glimpse of what's to come.

Sunday...2.4.07

Because of net surfing my laptop got all messed up. I think I logged into some bad sites because by the end of last week I couldn't get online at all. Took baby to computer doctor and he fixed her up, reloaded everything and now on strict diet:-) Not all is forbidden, but staying away from anything political, too many hot heads with viruses lurking. Found a swap site that seems very friendly. Looking for a book swap also. Made decision about apartment that was offered. Its outside CH and in a tacky neighborhood. Decided to sit tight for now; rent is lower, space is fine for me. Just not ready to jump. Decided to wait until summer when I take vacation and will set aside funds to buy needed furniture and paint myself. Its too cold now to do it and not feeling well enough. Out of town job feelers have produced no results.
I have chronic pain and it seems to be getting worse in the last couple of months. Not sure if its stress or just progression...but its certainly spreading. I wake at night having to shift because of pressure on joints causing terrible pain. I haven't really cut back on anything I need to do because things must get done and there's no one but me to do them. But there's a price for everything, from just walking 20 blocks to store and back, to carrying heavy items like laundry or even an overloaded briefcase from office.

Today I made up a recipe for apricot bars, substituting ground oats for white flour and using apricot jam made with grape juice instead of sugar. They're delicious but next time a tart (raspberry or sour cherries) preserve would be better and a thinner crust. I started cooking on Sunday for the week instead of coming home at 7pm and just starting and eating by 8:30.I made split pea soup last week. This week I tried chili but used chuck steak instead of ground beef and added cinnamon to the spices to cut the heat. I remember when we lived upstate
and J. was a mashgiah for milk products. We had a man who lived in the house and shared mashgiah duties. Every Friday he cooked up a batch of cholent that stunk up the house. He packed it into old pickle jars and ate it all week. I hope this won't be quite as bad:-)