2.5 Decades Later

So much has happened, almost 28 years since divorce...the allegations of abuse have been rescinded by 2 of the girls, I dont thinkk J even knew they had discussed this, told me. My offers to confront him frightened them...over 3 years either with therapists talking them thruough what they think happened or sorting out nothing happened, everyone has a gentle cautious relationship with thier father.

ML is consistently seeing a therapist, moved back into a frum PITT community with a real aprtment he is proud to bring his father to visit and family and friends. Its not a basement or a scullery attic filled with hoarded garbage. He is still in college (since '92) and anticipates going into a BA program by next semester.

Lbs made aliya and after a difficult decade seems to have decided that her hme really there...I am so happy for her, miss her even more, his sister needs her but she needs to be allowed to live her life, free of familial responsibilities...she's been moma long enougn

Ruthless, still in school-communications, advertising and work. Works hard on trying to get her family relationships on track...its not easy, alot of finger pointing, tension.

But it is Ms Fluff that brought J and I back together, after 28 years because of her destructive involvement with male goyim, men who treat her like garbage. The current one she asked to marry her and he refused twice (not the marrying kind) and who then had the audacity to sit in front of her visitng father with no shame, no side bar about what his intentions are with this girl he is screwing and doesnt take care of her, she pays her way every way.

So J & I said this will not stand and must not-we married as lubavs, gave birth to lubavs, sent them thru yeshivah and their mid-twenties lackadasical attitude of reinventing judaism so it fits into their ungapatched lifestyle of including goyim at pesach seder eating non kosher foods, not observing shabbos and refusig to bentsch licht...its all a mess to be reviewed and discussed. We went to a Boro Park group this evening for about 2 hours and so many frustrated and hurt parents in different stages of divorce, teens, young adults...we were like the senior citizens having gone thru the GET, divorce, child support,the kids are grown and yet remain emotionally children.

I feel drained, cleansed actually from years of pent of thoughts and emotions. J seemed to feel energized, was very complimentary 'you're a smart lady' "you look nice tonight.' as I was leaving his car.

So he is considering a once a month drive in and I suppose I will make it during the other 3 weeks myself. Car Service for sure!!!

I'm thinking of bringing small notebooks for the women/men next week to jot down their ideas in one place--it would be their Wednesday notebook, only for them.
Iam very tired and the Rav gave us homework...he liked my phrase which he continue to use during the evening...a hole in the heart that we try to fill with anything to remove pain...in our case its destructive relationships.

Of Jews and Ships and Sealing Wax, Cabbages & Things

Chabad, G-d love 'em, remain as incapable of assisting with cleaning 'dirty laundry' as ever. Rather than help anash deal with their children's drug/alcohol/intermarriage issues, they continue directing community members to seek counseling outside as far from them as possible.

The mantra of 'we dont have problems in Chabad' remains as strong as it was decades ago when I lived there. In truth it appears that the bulk of the kids in question are from baaletschuvah families and a few rebels from Chassidic families that distance themselves as much as possible from their 'failures.'

Sholom Rubashkin was imprisoned under RICO and immigration violation charges and here again Chabad kept its distance-'its better for Rubashkin if we dont publically take a stand.' How is that the case? Chabad fund raises everywhere, is the face of King Moshiach and has centers across the globe-and cannot defend a man who has supplied food for Jewish poor, as did his father, for decades?

As the world continues to implode, as we reach the end of Life as we know it, its not only a matter of living in degradation and perversity among goyim who insist that left is right, up is down and all manner of human lifestyles is perfectly fine as along as your partner is okay with it. There are no sins, your kids may do as they like and its not your business, they're adults. Of course if you had done things correctly as haredim do, to the extreme, then you dont have these sick behaviours, so one has only oneself to blame.

So I hear a shiur on NYC radio erev shabbos...the Para Adooma, ashes of the Red Heifer are kept by the Kohan Gedol to cleanse tummah. The ashes and the Kohan are taharah and once the Para Adooma is used, the person is relieved of being tummah but the Kohane becomes tummah-in effect sacrifices himself to save the soul of the person who must be cleansed. The person teaching went on to explain that as the Kohanim sacrificed at this level to save a soul, each person must do the same, get their hands dirty to help another Jew and if necessary, sacrifice to the extreme to keep that Jew safe.

I probably should note that ex and I are discussing what options we can employ to dissaude our youngest daughter from continuing relationships with male goyim. Ex and I have not communicated in 3 decades, this issue had to bring us together, that's how serious it is for us. Not on our watch, we owe the Rebbe and our grandparents at least trying to save her.

Weekly list

Decided to keep a weekly list because what's going on out there is beyond belief.

Gulf Coast oil spill, worst ecological disaster in US history. British Petroleum's rig which was created with a cheaper system, BP which averaged 600 safety violations including 'negligence' and worse, had a rig blow up killing 19 and injuring hundreds. The 'official' dead bird count is 850 and dead turtles are listed to be at 835. No word on fish or other living things that depend on the Gulf ecosystem. No way of stopping the gushing underwater oil until possibily August when a secondary container is created to shift the flow and no guarantee with that. BP and the other major oil companies presented the US Senate oversight comittee with proposals for contingency safety plans that included protection for Gulf wildlife species including Walruses. The last Walrus was seen in the Gulf over 400 years ago and it appears all the companies used the same game plan.

Israel has rescinded many Gaza restrictions after global grumbling was unbearable, likely because US tightened the screws even more than the White House already did by actin as if Israel was a stranger and stiffing Netanyahu by letting him sit and wait for his HignAss as he finished his lunch. Haredim are again fighting for the civil rights as they refuse to reconfigure schools to fit govt secular standards-mehitza was taken down 2 weeks before school year ended forcing frum parents to remove kids from school. On 6.17, thousands of haredim protested in the streets, mothers and father arrested, children terrified and crying. Not enough that Arabs terrify with bombs at any time and bomb shelters are a way of life, the Jewish Government feels it can act as an agent of terrorism as well. This is what comes of separation of Jewish country from Jewish religion-there is NO Jewish state with Judaism, we will destroy ourselves, we wont need any outside threat.

The Birds

I cannot say there is a hole where my heart once was
assuming a heart knew love, felt love

Instead there is a weight of such enormity, so heavy I can barely breathe
The house is silent, even the cats..tip toe, do not speak
to one another, as if
They sense my disquiet or hear it as loud as it plays
in my head, nonsensical chorus by day

Nightmarish talking dead return to quibble in my dreams
I barely breathe and outside
look around, or better not, as madness is everywhere
Everywhere...those poor oily birds staring, blinking unable to breathe
unable to make a sound, to find a drop of water fit to drink

People lie and insist they speak the truth, everywhere
I remember, not much but this one truth lived and I could see it...

the lies, all those lies lived outside
and we all knew they were lies, the public persona lies but there was
a Line between right and wrong, we knew the Line
now....only this fog of grey

That island we once could swim to
the refuge where we could rest if life was hard, we could work, sweat knowing
it will be better, if not us, the kids
there was a reason to fight forward

I see it all now and stare, blinking
Did I hear they are asking if the birds should be cleaned, saved?
Thousands nesting watch their eggs coat, choke from oxygen, unhatched
Mates drown under thick viscous slime, unable to move except and until
another oily wave pushes them toward a beach, bullrushes, a marsh, another plume they say
is boiling close by, spilling black gold that made a few men rich but
the birds, I keep thinking, those birds blinking unable to see through my tears
their oil covered eye lids, can no longer see

Can we recall mercy?
She dictates Man close their eyes now blinded with pain
they should not suffer to live
another moment between what was once humanity

RachelSinger(c)
2010