P is home...but

I brought P home Thursday. Vet gave me IV solution, needles, antibiotic, 2 cans special diet. Once home, she checked everywhere to be sure it was home; drank water, ate some of the canned food and after yelling alot, fell asleep.

She's had 3 IV sessions and is unable to eat or drink anything. This morning she was too weak to get up into her chair where she sleeps. When I realized she was hanging out on the rug because she just couldnt make it up, I put her on her chair where she fell asleep in 2 minutes.

She seems to want food and water, but for some unknown reason smells it, goes to it and turns away.

I'm going to try her old food, maybe that's what she's looking for. I think she's just had enough...19 is a fairly long life for a cat. She's totally disengaged for everything now.

Really trying to wait this out, but I think come erev shabbos, if she's the same or worse, the right decision is to end her suffering. I couldnt do it before, because of my attachment to her, but its clear selfishness on my part to prolong a terminal situation.

Conversion facts

I heard in the name of Rabbi Y. Komietzki z"l from a very reliable source that if the father was a Jew and the mother a non Jew we should try to convert the child for the reason of zera kodesh - holy seed.


When I wrote to the Rebbe z'tl asking if my mother (goy) who converted after marrying my father (Jewish) the answer was 'She has to toivel again.'

Her initial conversion consisted of an orthodox rabbi in Long Island, NY telling her take a dip in the Atlantic Ocean and her witnesses were 3 female friends.
When I asked her if I could help her by arranging for her to go through a kosher conversion and mikvah, she said no thanks, religion is in your heart.

It was only after finding the above quote about 'zera kodesh' do I understand why the Rebbe instructed MN to convert me ASAP.
So I'm wondering if a man has gone thru 'karet' and his child converts, does that help his neshoma at all?

Visiting P at hospital

This afternoon at Union Square 14th St. I was stopped by a young woman, in her 20s, who asked if I was Jewish, said yes, she pressed in my hands a Baggie with 2 tea candles, 2 honey candies and a licht bentching calendar, then said, Long live Rebbe King Moshiach.
Chabad has moved from the Rebbe z'tl could be moshiach, to he is moshiach and now have announced in the Rebbe's name, using the present tense, that the Redemption is NOW, do mitzvahs, chesed and you will recognize it more and more.
The girl was Israeli, alone, cold and repeated her 'tape' of Long Live Rebbe etc. no matter what question I asked...it was both scary and sad.

When I finished in the hospital, I bought P her food and went direct to vet's office.
I didnt plan on seeing her and actually thought it would be better for her if I didnt see her, she might think she was going home. Vet insisted I wait and go visit...so I wait and go visit and find my cat with sstill wet feces on her back feet, kitty grit stuck to her feet and her cowering in the corner, the tiny litter try next to her face. When she heard my voice, she started making a sound, like rasping from her throat. She was so dried out from one of the meds, she couldnt maiow. I offered her water, her nose was crusted, she couldnt breathe enough to drink. I removed the crusts offered her water, but the smell of her own waste had her so upset she wouldnt eat or drink. I had picked her up and tried wiping her feet clean, it was obvious an aid had already wiped them because the filth was matted into her fur, not cleaned off.
My first instinct was to tear apart the entire room and destroy everything, take all the cats out, but I kissesd her, gently palced her back inside and went out. Dumb ass young boy supposed to be taking care of the few cats in hospital area says "leaving already?"

I asked him if anyone ever explained to him that cats dont eat where they shit...
'huh' was all he said as I walked out.
I left the vets office, and outside realized I should go back and take her home.

Back inside I asked if there were any further tests scheduled, if not, I wanted to take her home. Vet took me into an empty room and said the aid had said I claimed there was shit all over the cage. I told vet, I never said that I did say that cat's paws were wet with her feces with grit stuck to her. As I had held her, I stunk as well and offered my sleeve so he could verify what I said. He said, no thanks...I told him, it isnt me, I didnt come in this way...I know this is a hospital, not a spa, but I know my cat, she will not eat or drink when sitting and stinking of her own feces.

I told him she's rasping, she 's so dried out, she can't drink or eat, and she wanted to, she came to me for the water, but couldnt even drink.
He said please leave her for blood work one more night...against all instinct, every bone in me, I agreed to leave her but may the Abishter protect her or take her in a peaceful way if I dont get her home in time.

A few more days...

October 31, 07 P. who had been suffering from a heavy chest infection, severe congestion went to the vet. For the first time in her 19 years, she had to take medicine. He prescribed Clindamycin and Periactin to encourage her appetite. I cleaned her nasal passages 2x a day, she would come to me and sit, waiting for me to scoop her up and do it, just so she could breathe. AFter that she would drink for 10-15 minutes as if she was beyond thirst. She was dehydrated when the vet first saw her. After 4 days on meds, she began vomiting, couldnt hold food down. I stopped the periactin and continued the antibiotic; the vomiting continued and diarrhea began.
She is exceptionally fastidious, wont even use her litter box unless its clean, so not having control of her bowels, having stool stick to her long hair and not even watning to be around her own self, was very upsetting. I had to wash her paws and back end with warm water. After vomiting as hard and often as she did, she seemed frightened to eat and cause herself more discomfort.

On Nov. 5 she neither ate, nor drank...no stool, very little urine. She seemed comfortable, but was unusually quiet. She slept alone in the kitchen where she's been spending time rather than where the TV is or any noises are going on.

On Nov. 6 I woke very early because I had planned to clean her nose, try to give her some medicine if her stomach had calmed down, make sure she drank. I cleaned her nose, helped her drink and thought better of giving her meds because I had to go to work and didnt want her to be alone, vomiting if that might happen.

I came home by 5:30 and usually she would come near the door, come from wherever she was sleeping to welcome me, today she remained in the kitchen spot she made for herself in a large blue plastic wash basin. A few weeks ago I had tried putting a soft towel in for her to warm herself or cuddle with, she refused to get back in. Very strange, she's never put herself in such a container.

She finally came out with coaxing...I didnt want to invade this place where she feels safe; she came into the bathroom and waited for me to run the shower, something she enjoyed, sometimes would play with the cool water. She didnt go in. She went to stand outside the bathroom, unsure what to do, where to go.
I prepared her cleaning supplies, scooped her up and palced her on my bed to clean her nose. It wasnt congested enough to prevent her from drinking, but it was clear from her bowls, she hadn't touched water today and certainly hadn't eaten.
Mouth movement sounded just the same as when a human is dehydrated, you can hear the swallow and tongue sticking from dryness. I brought her water bowl on the bed as we've been doing the last 2 weeks, so its comfortable for her to drink after being cleaned. She stared at me, turned away from the water...

By now it was 6:15...I called the vets office and said I thought she may be dying.
Vet said bring her in. Threw on clothes, popped her into her carrier, not a peep from her, no growls, miaows, nothing.

Explained reaction to meds, her current state today. Vet wrote alot, mentioned it was rare but possible to react to clindamycin as she may be doing--I know its a stretch, but clindamycin makes me horribly sick to my stomach as well.
He finally said we have to decide how far to take this; her blood work last week was normal except for elevated calcium, which he was concerned about.
WHat he suggested was admit her to hospital overnight, put her on IV as dehydration was very obvious, she had fever of 101.6 and they will take xray on Wed looking for tumors. Blood tests cannot detect cancer and xrays may also not find cancer when she actually may have it.

I told him I will not have her put to sleep, I dont have alot of money, but I dont want her to suffer.
He suggested admitting her for the above and if everything indicates she is dying or does have cancer he will show me how to give her IV fluids and keep her comfortable at home.

I asked him to tell the front desk to please allow me to divide up payments, I want to do whats needed but its very expensive. This animal has been with me 19 years. Longer than parents, husband, even my children. She's moved everywhere with me, she's lived with me and relationships who were so ignorant they chased her trying to pick her up with a broom, trimmed her long hair and whiskers, brought a dog into her space who ate from her litter box...and always she looked to me for protection. We've never had a comfortable home.
AFter the monster was removed from our apt. I painted since a painter wanted $700, I built a couch so she would have a place to curl up, I bought 2 room size wool rugs to keep the rooms warm and she could relax anywhere. I thought we are finally alone at last, it wont be for much longer, I owe her anything I can give her.

Nov. 7 I have to call the vet to find out what's going on...its very strange tonight not having her here, sitting on the bed, pisssed off I at the computer, waiting on the bed to be brushed, miaowing in the kitchen or bathroom for me to come in and then pretend nothing's wrong...must have been the cat in the back yard...that innocent look she never quite was able to pull off.

So there's no tehilllim I know of for animals...but if the Abishter will let me carry any pain for her and let her go home peacefully, that's alot and enough.