My daughters

I am a mother of 3 daughters, 2 sons. 2 of my daughters have made aliyah. The oldest is now 28 and has lived there almost 6 years. The middle daughter is now 25 and left in June. Before R. left in June, she claimed to her youngest sister that her father sexually abused her and she had recalled the abuse during therapy sessions. Her siblings discussed this, before speaking to me, and pretty much dismissed the claim. R. refused to speak to me at all about this an when I went to visit her brothers and sister and tried meeting with her for coffee, to talk, she refused to speak with me at all.
This evening, my youngest daughter called because she needed help. She's alone now with no sisters in the U.S., overwhelmed by trying to support herself and tries to maintain a close relationship with her 2 brothers who live in the same town as her. Midway thru the conversation, she said her oldest sister needs to return to the u.S. but when she asked her sister when she was coming in and where she wanted to stay, she said she cant stay at her fathers house ever again. All she wouyld tell her younger sister is that one night while she was asleep, she woke to find her father sitting on her bed fondling her leg. She said there were other incidents of touching but wouldnt disucss it on the phone.

While it is difficult to write this, it is harder trying to breathe and focus. When his second wife left him, she told the girls 'listen to your mother and believe everything she may tell you about your father..." I can honestly say there was never a time he gave any inkling of this type of perversion and sickness. He never showed an interest in children sexually, he did have an interst in adult porn, something I had not seen intimately in or outside of Crown Heights prior to being his wife.

I thought when I completed years of paying child support to him, it would be an opportunity to heal the family, move forward. I can only think now how we are going to destroy this man. If there is nothing else I do in this life, it willbe to expose publically and ruin this man, who not only destroyed any poissibility of a frum, safe and happy home for me and my children, but violated his own daughters who looked to him for protection after our divorce.

The filth and scum that hides behind religious garb and trappings...is in every religion. But this is judaism, this is a 'religious jew' who lived in a most sacred place with a Rebbe O"H who was the closest human to Hashem in my generation. A Rebbe who was like a father to me, who always answered my kvitlach, gave brochas, sent me checks for support...but I didnt listen.

This is a husband and father who walked all over Crown Heights in a kapota, stood in yechidus with the Rebbe O"H. I cannot cast stones, my house is glass...I married an egyptian, desperate to find some happiness before becoming to old to find anything with anyone, anywhere. A short fiasco concluding with a divorce doesnt absolve my stupidity and selfishness.

I dont know that there is tshuvah for parents who hurt their children as we've hurt and let down these 5 kids.

If I didnt know what to do with the rest of my life, I know now.

Dream

Had a dream last night that won't go away even on waking...I was with M. and it was in the U.S. and we were among alot of people. It felt like a park, the sun was shining, people were around us. We were sitting and talking. The conversation was his sense of emptiness that we had been unable to have children together. I began, within myself, to recall how much a man is moved at the birth of his own child, how he bonds to a new life, grows inside and feels a sense of duty. I felt an unbearable sense of grief, for M as a man, for us as a couple.
I could feel him inside me, as if we were making love and I began to cry in the dream. I realized we were no longer married. Not only had we never had children, we were also separated now forever.
He asked me why I was crying and held me, told me to come with him. We were going to the room he lives in now. We walked a bit, came to a restaurant and we went inside, down some steps and he spoke to the owner. She gave him some signs to post for the daily specials and we went into the back where he stayed.
I opened the door and to my right saw 2 large elderly dogs being taken into the room next to his.
As I opened his door a mother cat blocked the entry way and was giving birth to kittens. There at least 6 kittens, some already outside and running around, fluffy with eyes open, others covered in blood under her mewing and she was agonizing trying to expel the placenta.
As she gave a last push I rubbed her haunches and it was expelled. Instead of being a small fleshy pod which she would eat, it was a large black inedible thick material like cardboard.
I had a sense of death, separation.
When I woke completely I had to stop myself from calling M. He keeps my voice on his answering machine.
I dont think he does it for sentimental reasons...its unlikely he told his family or friends in Egypt we've divorced.
Since we separated last November, I saw the children once and received 2 emails. I've sent boxes of homemade cookies, gifts, called and emailed them. Its like banging my head against a stone wall. M assumed the children were behind my decision to divorce him and as soon as I did they would all come flocking around. He never saw his betrayals with other women as a valid reason. "I know my rights" he told me.
One day while sitting at the computer he turned to me and asked me to explain exactly where and why I was unable to have any more children, something I had explained before we even married. But M wasn't listening then...he was only thinking of marriage to escape Egypt.
It was after this conversation he either gave himself permission or got permission from some online imam to take a 'second wife' or have another woman for sex. I had served my purpose, I got him here, now it was time to move on to a woman he 'really wanted' as he told someone on the phone.
I know from the amount of physical and emotional abuse its not M I want back in my life. I loved him deeply, would not have married him and gone thru such troubles to bring him, care for his medical problems, support him completely if I had not loved him, trusted him. So I dont know what this sudden revival of feeling of love, loss and wanting to return to life with him. I'm sure he's already involved and planning his life with other women...something he never stopped doing from the day we married.

Reading the Landscape

Post-Modernism teaches that reading the subtext is as important if not more, than the actual text. The problem that developed for some of us, is that the world became a place constantly in need of translation.

In reading the current landscape of events in the United States the tenuous lines between subtext and text is becoming less distinct as civil liberty, personal responsibility, ethical behaviour and morality are eroding rapidly.

Although we may say it could be alot worse, I suggest society is already so demoralized that we are an exceedingly vulnerable target to both internal and external forces interested in the financial and spiritual annihilation of western 'civilization.'

We are a society whose people require antidepressants to function because one income barely provides a living wage for basic requirements. Non religious couples rarely consider the possibility of a woman remaining at home, raising children with moral values. A single mother with 5 sons whom she raised to be lawyers was hailed this week on a talk show as a heroine. The streets are filled with drugs, violence and male figures of authority and protection rarely exist.

Our greed and need to accumulate, buy cheap, move up, stay current and in touch is so compulsive we've rid ourselves of all menial work and production, exporting farming, jobs, manufacturing, telecommunications and customer services, giving third world countries access to personal ID info, and the opportunity to export sub standard and literally poisonous products endangering american lives, taking jobs that could support U.S. citizens the government claims the people just dont want to do after terminating welfare support. American farms are about obsolete. With shrimp banned from China now American shrimpers are noting its so expensive to farm and distribute shrimp the prices will likely have to go up...can't possibly miss out on a classic capitalistic opportunity to make a 'market killing' whenever the chance arises. But we already have shrimp coming in from 5 other countries...Even radiology interpretations of CAT, MRI scans are being interpreted by outsourced overseas doctors.

Can anyone figure out what the millions of kids going to college in the U.S. are going to do after graduating? Is everyone supposed to become a doctor, lawyer or corrupt corporate manipulator? In the massive educational ghettos called the public school system of overcrowded classrooms where parents have to contribute essential teaching supplies for classrooms, the drop out rates are noted at 50% in some communities. Why push to complete high school with years of debt from college and vague professional opportunities to hope for, based on who you know or dont defining your future. The smarter risk might be take your losses early, sell drugs, your body, cheat on tests, sleep with your teacher or just blow up your school.

Men trying to be 'men' find themselves acting out roles that waver between limp wristed acquiesence to females unsure whether to be whores or madonnas or dominating bullies announcing they are righteously 'in charge' with expectations of female servitude and submission.

Women, having given up their own sexual responsibility and morals, make themselves available on the internet in pornographic videos, chat rooms, bars, clubs, leaving the impression that anything goes, everything and anyone is up for grabs, prostituting not only themselves but even their own children or killing them for the sake of a relationship.

Women and children are 'disappearing' in astonishing numbers. This summer alone mothers and their kids are being searched for in wooded areas, lakes are being dragged for bodies, killers too often being the very men closest to them.

Depression is the most often prescribed medication now in the United STates, bypassing every other disease. In the 21st century we are still asking whether mental health should have parity with physical health. Mental illness is the last medical closet where ignorant doctors are allowed to relegate patients they cannot cure, cannot understand and cannot correctly diagnose. The sense of despair in adults as well as children is profound.

Established religions have proved themselves filled with hypocrisy and worse, with its leaders preying on children in churches and yeshivahs. While we finger point at the violence of muslims who define their religiosity by the lengths to which they are prepared to physically die, too many of our religious 'leaders' simultaneously murder congregations with spiritual betrayals and distrust. Of all the important issues facing the christian church, the pope declares latin is once again fashionable for mass.

The arrogance of the government continues despite pleas to disengage from a war that is unwinable by any measure. Whether we remain, sending our own citizens and iraqis to their deaths, maimings and mental destruction, Iraq will continue its centuries old feuds, bloodbaths and slaughter. It's the religion stupid.
The army we are 'training' is filled with infiltraters looking to sabotage any effort to build a footstool 'democracy' allowing the U.S. to control the region and its oil. And for those less politically saavy, its a jihadic opportunity to rebuild the caliphate and destroy the infidels, in short, It's the religion stupid.

While the morons who are hired by TSA for our airports take away water bottles from mothers and other passengers, they can't detect bomb parts secreted thru in suitcases. While police stand huddled in NYC subways, chatting in groups and occasionally stopping a random train rider to check their bags, others pass into a system completely open and vulnerable without cameras or detection devises.

For those looking for hopeful signs of Life in the universe, Poland is having a revival of Jewish(ness) by its non jewish citizens. Goyim are playing hasidic music, dancing, serving jewish foods in 'celebrations' of jewish customs and traditions. So many questions comes to mind after one finishes vomiting from disgust or peeing from laughter.

This was the country that Germany used as their elimination zone to rid the world of Jews. The camps are in Poland, the ghettos were in Poland, the forests in Poland hid partisans, men and women trying to defend Jewry and fleeing for their lives. The antisemitism spawned in Poland gave sanctuary and thriving permission to Nazism and genocide.

50 years after the Holocaust, in a world of rising antisemitism and apocalyptic Christian protectionism, as Israel remains isolated and compared to Nazis themselves re: Palestinians, are Poles celebrating jewish(ness) to cynically recall what they attempted to destroy?

Are Poles (as well as the entire muslim world) preparing the groundwork as the world looks to once again embark on the final destruction of the 'jewish problem' in working out a Mid East solution?

Or is this a peculiar (and unlikely) form of Stockholm Syndrome where the twist is that the oppressor takes on the captive's traits in a guilty dance of impending doom?

Is the answer wrapped inside some killing field in Iraq? Is in the place where 'weapons of mass destruction' can't quite be located? Maybe the answer is in the nuclear facility Iran has built while the US sits on its hands... Is the answer on some Internet chatroom as arab men chatter together while seeking naive women for marriage to enable them to travel? Is it in the bored laughter of cops occasionally checking a backpack or genuinely ill trained airport workers who don't know what danger signs to take seriously...

Maybe the answer is in our own citizenry raised to feel entitled to a thriving and peaceful existence while the rest of the world burns in suffering and poverty? Despite all the signs around us, most that really dont need much translation, most americans seem to remain supremely in denial as to what's facing us. News programs are still looking for answers, still waiting for 'moderate' muslims to appear on the horizon so we can play nice together.

Global media is discussing how it could be possible for professionally educated 'scientifically' oriented (re: secular exposure) muslims could be caught up in a world of destruction? No one dares publically confront the disconnect between what's written in quran and public statements of 'peace' and submission' professed by so called moderate muslims and misinformed western educated idiots and unacknowledged antisemites. Now with pockets of muslim enclaves throughout Europe and the U.S. whose intentions and loyalty one can only guess at, we must not trigger an avalanche of jihad activities. Its enough trying to manage the red blooded american kids trying to blow up their schools and classmates.


12 million illegal persons floating around the U.S.
They can't all be Mexican.
Deportations of drug dealers, domestic violence perpetrators, stalled for decades.
Deportations of known persons whose visas have expired, stalled or ignored.
Illegals standing on corners waiting for work vans.
Illegals screaming at demonstrations for their 'rights'
Churches and synagogues looking to solidify and rebuild dying congregations, giving refuge to illegals.
Illegals steadily having as many 'sympathy' babies as possible hoping to avoiding deportation by sheer numbers.
How many babies can a dish washer, grass cutter or house maid support?
Grown children of non citizens demanding entry into college with ability to apply for college grants and loans?
Are 12 million people able to function and live in a society where a government claims everyone must have a Social Security number for work, disability, medical insurance, etc? Are there 12 million people using completely fake or stolen Social Security numbers? Whose cranking out this amount of social security info without the government able to track or stop them?
Is this the same government that's trying to foil al Qeada inside the U.S. and abroad?

A government who refused to stop this madness, attempts to sanction and bestow citizenship on every thief who overstayed, crawled and snuck in, while millions wait legally, because we can't just get rid of 12 million people. After all, whose going to wash all those dishes that Americans wont wash?

We're a depressed nation of people...once the depression passes and the anger takes hold, perhaps we'll see some needed changes.

Its the Religion Stupid

Those who cure you, will kill you.
Coded words spoken by an 'imam' to a priest.
How long will it take the non muslim world to understand the mental state of followers of the destruction called Islam have nothing to do with class, finances, poverty or religious convictions or righteousness?

7 doctors and 1 pathetic female lab technician rounded up after botching a suicide mission. "Educated" men, men who spoke english, men who were touched by euro culture, who saw a different way of life, men who had futures in front of them, men who had hope and didnt have to make the choice of death for themselves or for others.

These men are no different from the poor illiterates living in poverty in Gaza or elsewhere in the arab world who make the choice to die as there's not much else in front of them--ITS THE RELIGION STUPID--

I saw Charlie Rose speaking on his program with Andrea Elliot and imam Shata Reda who stared at Rose under his eyelashes, poseur to humility and refusing to speak English, his textbook responses had to be translated for the watching audience as Rose hovered and whispered slow questions, as if speaking carefully and quietly would elicit some truth about how much Hate lives inside a muslim for anyone and everyone who A) is not a muslim and B) is not interested in becoming muslim (a.k.a. infidels)


Keep making the mistake of trusting the people who believe and live by the credo that 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' and see how many more cells pop up because we can't clamp down on 12 million illegals and their uncles flooding past porous borders.

Keep hoping for the arab world and their blind adherents to understand freedom, democracy and a chance at happiness. It's all lies...on both sides, playing an end game they both think they'll win.