Sabotage or what

good evening...I write by night. I've always written at night, even as a child. You can hear better when humanity shuts the hell up and goes to sleep. You can hear creation and yourself, inside. That's where reality connects, all else is babbling and interference like radio static all day long between you and the truth. Which brings me to Sabotage...I dont know if its sabotage or just stupidity. I work with people IN A UNIVERSITY who cannot or will not make decisions or dont want to be caught making decisions, so that we spend weeks into months in discussions about how we have to come to a decision on this and that...we're always hatching and planning and discussing. We if talked less and did more I cant imagine what we could accomplish. I hate procrastinating. See what needs doing, make a plan, get a team together and get things done and get on to the next project. Crap or get off the pot and let someone else do it and shut the H*ll up. I have to hold my tongue. I've had 5 bosses in 10 years, every shmugegge reinvents the wheel and usually without even looking to see whats there already, just slap dash...you either adapt or ship out and I have no net under me to ship anywhere. Saved by the ever kind graces of the Abishter and whatever wits He gave me to endure amidst idiots.
I'm sure no one in the universe reading this has any idea what the h-ll I'm ranting about.
I get paid tomorrow...we haven't been paid since prior to xmas break...almost 6 loooong weeks. Fridge is empty, I've been fasting all day for over a week to eat just one meal at night so I can sleep. Not the worst thing actually, but depressing because when you deal all month with intense crap dished out from all sides, the one recompense for the abuse is getting paid. So when the money runs out, you feel like an beaten dog...perchance my perspective on work is less than postiive? Me thinks not BECAUSE YOU DONT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THE CRAP I DO to earn a paycheck, pay bills and keep a roof over my head by myself (well and supply the cat with tuna.) And if that doesnt sound ambitious enough, tough on you, I paid my dues already and early. I better check the griping because the One who keeps Accounts decides when the bill is paid or not:-)
night all.

Abishter works in very strange ways:-0

So I'm on a housing list for the last 6 months...no details but its a restricted list for women only and I wasn't considered a priority candidate. Received an unexpected letter saying an apt is available, not far from CH.
Makes me think of the Soprano's quote..."I thought I was out but they keep puuulling me back in..."
Think area is borderline, about to be gentrified, will go look but not expecting much and definitely not jumping from the frying pan into another fire.
I keep thinking 'safe, secure' and frightened to take risks...keep trying to build a foundation and finding the rug's pulled out with no net. Its been too many years, too long trying to catch up with life that keeps racing by and nothing to show for years of struggle and trying to stay above water.
Really exhausted. Now that sounds like whining doesnt it...it isnt meant to be, its simple fact but I'm really too inhibited to list details so publicly...I'll just say that divorce (e.g. the get and the civil) from a "religious" chassid meant paying child support to him for 20 years to gain freedom. Life is expensive, but you knew that:-)
Anyway, I've been davening and asking for a clear sign of which way to turn now; I'm truly at a crossroad in terms of work and personally. I want very much to use whatever writing skills for more productive jewish issues rather than the secular university I work for. I would also like to be in a jewish community, but I really do not think reverting back into CH is the right path...I think this and I think that...I think too much, so I've been told by some people (men or people who don't think at all).
Due to a violent end to a long standing relationship I am living in my current apt, almost packed up in boxes for 3 months; without furniture except a bed and a few things. He kept bringing curb discards into the apt...all of which I got rid of when he was gotten rid of. Its strange how you think you know someone, commit to a relationship fully, financially, emotionally, legally and then find your partner never intended to commit; I was only a step for him until the next 'step' appeared...so once again in my life, its time to 'clean house.'
good night...been a long day all around.

Sleep evades

I can't sleep...reading most of day different blogs. Yidden everywhere discussing antisemitism, shocked or outraged, as if its coming 'out of the closet.' But its always been there. Could we be responsible for some of it...have we tried too hard to assimilate, be accepted by the goyishe velt? Have we been too accepting of ethics and behaviour so against our beliefs, hoping that if we believe and act like everyone else, not 'chosen', that in fact antisemitism would fade?
Goldenhagen's book should be mandatory curriculum in every home.
I'm guiltier than many. Grew up with liberal teachings, held onto them in CH, taught them to my children and thoroughly confused them into thinking humanity is all the same, all equal if just given a chance, given enough 'love and peace', sooner or later everyone comes around. Its the biggest lie of all...Meir K. knew and understood. Many of us are late to the game in understanding some basic facts. Call its racism or call it the truth or continue to bang your head against the wall, we're never going to be loved by goyim...the worst of it turning the hate inside after being hated so long from the outside, you can't tell the difference where the hate begins or ends.
I was a 'daughter' of Menachem Schneerson...to see the chaos inside CH is heartbreaking. It was the portal open for yidden searching to return. Despite alot of hypocrisy, lies, individual corruption and ego games, it remained a community and sanctuary. Perhaps Wolfe is right...you can't go home again.

Rochel bas Sarah Emeynu

I've often thought, probably to my own deteriment, that few read and fewer care. I left chassidus in CH in '86 after 14 years of being a baletschuvah, wife and mother. While living in CH I basically subsisted (as did my entire family) under the protection and tzadakah of the Rebbe Shl'ta, the generosity of R. Pinson and her parents and Simcha Shabbos v Yontif.
I may write from time to time about those years, but the aim of these writings is not to go back, as the community, the anash has changed, since I left and clearly so since '94...I've been out and in the goyish velt since '86 and learned many things about life, people and how people treat others. I found that few if any people attempt to truly know another person, perhaps I should include myself in this statement. I've lived with other ethnic groups and communities.

We tend to view what we want or hope to see in another person or profession or lifestyle, rather than the reality of what we actually do see. Because of that minor but critical difference, we accept relationships, in business and in our personal lives based on the false hope that the future may be better, will improve, if it doesnt seem so at the moment. Maybe its partially the 'grass always seems greener' syndrome?

It was easy in '75 to become a member of the jewish (alright, the LubavCH) community, as a young unmarried confused-about -my-identity maydel...thirty years later as a divorced woman
doing tschuvah, the road map is less clear and very isolated. But with G"ds help I am determined to clean up my own life and rejoin the klal.

At the first yechidus I had with the Rebbe shl'ta he asked my name. After giving it to him 3x he corrected me by informing me I am to be known as "Rachel bas Sarah Emeynu"
If anyone reading this can say a tehillim for me in this journey 'home' please use my name...as seems there's alot of 'lost' and wandering yidden these days...