Tac Ticks

Well, clearly I'm not the only one with a brain that cant wrap around important facts. Fleeing his fortress Jekyl is in Hyding, claiming his departure is a 'tactical move'

But earlier today we were treated to the sight of a young Libyan wearing the Jester's Official Military Hat with red band & gold braid, a thick gold chain and raised the royal gold scepter he was carrying in his hand. The young man had looted the royal bedroom. I cannot imagine how a leader ,as Ghaddafi was, would leave behind his royal vestments for the peasants to toy with. Sometimes there's no time to pack, you just run whereever Saif says to run.... 

This is why all animals should be 'chipped' . When they take off unexpectedly for places unknown GPS reveals their whereabouts.

Money

Do you think about it alot? Suze Orman was on TV last night telling one caller after another they MAY NOT buy some luxury item they felt they needed or wanted.

These are people with 2-3 cars, at least one home, 2-3 children, some in college, some about to go into college, mortgages, credit card debt, average savings was $250,000-$540,000, plus liquid savings of $30,000+, some with investments or pensions, some had rental property incomes, but they all had what seemed to me like loads of money. Money I couldnt wrap my brain around, because there is clearly something wrong if I cannot even understand how people who seem to be average citizens, accumulate these amounts of money.

People with monthly incomes of $7,000- $15,000. After taxes.

What kind of work do you have to do to earn $15,000 a month?

I listened as these rich people were turned down one after another by Ms. Orman who lectured them about how much they need to retire,what their future expenses would likely be if their mortages are not paid off or the college loans are not paid. And no, you can't retired at age 60, you shouldn't stop working until age 67.

I came to realize how, over many decades of intense poverty and being dependent on either religious charity while married or government charity when we took food stamps when my father retired or the 25 years I worked at  a college that fought union organization and paid criminal wages, with work hours at their discretion and demand. I kept adjusting internally to want less, next to nothing, to second hand or thrift, to never imaging what having a real home might be...and all these people who hoard. Dont get me going.

People who not only have homes, inherited homes without mortages from family where they collect, gather and cram 'stuff' into perfectly lovely living spaces meant for families, not 2 rooms meant for short term living or where people live who have no hope of ever getting out, moving up. Where do these sick individuals get money to collect things and destroy their families and homes? Thousands of dollars thrown to the wind.

I dont think since my father was dying in those last 5 years that he stopped working and we knew things are slipping away financially, I dont think I've ever stopped worrying where the next penny would come from, whether there would be a roof, a meal, someplace safe.

The terror of poverty kept me working  in a bad employment situation, not only because child support was my responsiblity to pay, but I could never seem to make enough to get out of a hole filled with bills. And yet, like so many things that have only become clear in the last year or so, I realize I am poor.

I thought having almost $90K in a pension would carry me through.  But $10,000 lost in '08 and its bleeding out now as well, plus monies to move and get settled in a new state. I don't have $30,000 liquid assests Ms. Orman insists everyone must have incase of emergency.

I was on Drudge and noticed a foreboding ad about the future, I go to read that we need to prepare ourselves, not only physically, spiritually but financially. The writer who went on and on said be prepared because the government will be of no use to anyone, they will save only themselves, its up to everyone to be ready for survival themselves. Have food, water, medicines- and although he didnt say it- ammunition, for 6 months. There may not be electricity, gas. There may be roaming gangs, thieves breaking and taking what they want.  And your stock portfolio will be worth nothing because in 2013 the coming crash will rival the Great Depresion and we're so in debt there's no one to go anymore. So the only safe investments are certain 'always' stocks or gold, silver. Always stocks are GE, Proctor & Gamble and others.

If the dollar is worthless at that point because we've printed so much it means so little, I dont get what having gold bars or coins will get you. Do you trade gold for food and water?

Aside from my small brain not being able to deal with money matters, I've begun looking at my expenditures each month because I can't dip into my shrinking pension anymore.

Maybe this, in part, explains the romance of retro style and the 1950s. Life still held possibilities, room to grow, you could still wrap your brain around purchasing a home and not be so afraid. It was a pack of lies in the '50s and it's all lies today. Poverty is the worst disease, without money medical care remains out of reach, hunger becomes your companion, friends and colleagues shun you because you cant participate in hanging out or lunching out or bar hopping...and all the bills that come with being alive, rent, utilities, taxes continue to mount and unless they're paid, you're on the street.

I have no debts, no mortgages, no credit card bills, no home, no car, no liquidity.

It's like being invisible. 

What Happened? Absolutely nothing!

another round of meds for pnuemonia, I'm letting a far more talented writer do my work today

Enjoy this brilliant article in today's 8.14.11 Wall Street Journal written by

Norman Podhoretz

(link takes a second or 2 to load, be patient, its worth reading)

What Happened to Obama?

 

Dispossessed Cat?

Our visitor, Ms Puss, has become a full time porch resident. I found this out last night when the neighbors who share the porch, had visitors leaving at 2-3am and the cat was out there meowing. They were all talking (like no one might be asleep at that hour) how cute she is and how she hangs around here all the time. I thought she was just around for a meal, now I understand why she didnt follow me down the driveway last week, she doesnt want to go home again.

She's afraid to come into the apartment because Mr. Boo is still too intimidating. Even Bootie with his bounding about, trying to control his excitement at seeing her, is too much. There were thunder storms after the guests left. I have no idea where she hid, she must spend alot of time under the house. There is a foot high space from the foundation where anything could go hide. And it stay dry despite the moist earth.

Bootie sits on the window sill, he can hear her, he meowed frantically last night. I honestly dont know what he wants, if he is just happy to see her or wants her to come inside. She had a flea collar on that was removed and her neck line had a matt of fur that appeared to be pulled. A week ago there was a horrid screech from a cat, even my cats sat up frightened unsure of what was next. Then she disappeared for 2 days. Now she doesnt leave the porch, sleeping on a step, waiting for the door to open.

I can't take her in until both cats are comfortable with her and she needs to be taken to the vet.

Always something...

The Caterpillar knoooows

What a week, what a week. Where do we start?
Is there no one to give Sarah Palin a talk show, it seems all she wants is a platform for attention. Riding around the country on a bus, popping up in Iowa to take the temperature of the crowds. She missed her moment and can't get over it.
Where are the serious, intelligent women capable of running for office. I don't believe a woman should be President now. America is philosophically and physically at war with countries that do not take women as anything but property to be bought,  traded or disposed of when of no further use.
If American women continue to sell themselves privately, in the street and on TV, continue to undermine other women by committing adultery without conscience, continue to make excuses for immoral behavior then we cannot produce someone for this position. Segue to Michelle Bachmann.....
I want to hear substantive comments on foreign policy, not that she started a business and knows tax law.

They all blather the same thing, run the same tapes as if someone told every candidate, just say the word jobs and you'll have their attention.
Fact is, manufacturing and blue collar work as we once knew it to be the backbone of America, the jobs that lower class, and lower middle class could aim for are gone forever. Candidates speak about jobs as if they wave a wand it will all come back to us again. NAFTA finished us.

Obama came into office talking about how we need to jump over the hurdle of blue collar mentality and get everyone into college so everyone can learn high tech math, engineering and then we can reinvent America, because America was always the capital of invention, we will 'Green' the country into prosperity once more
 and entrepreneurship has always been our hallmark and then he phuks us with more BS by taking the first point in the Socialist-Black Liberation handbook and holds the country hostage by decreeing everyone must have health care. The fact that million of  illegals accumulated over here and have sucked dry every ER, school room and made salmonella a given for every fruit and vegetable they pick, stopping the flow at the border, was not a priority. Getting them health care was a priority.
That big green lady sent to us from France sitting in our harbor, more than anyone, she's seen immigrants come here penniless, with cardboard suitcases, refugees from wars, downtrodden, lonely but filled with hope-not with the current attitude of migrants world wide-'you owe me' or 'I want it Now' and bilking every semi-democratic society for social welfare programs funds indefinately.
I listened last week as David Gergen and others discussed the WPA projects of the 1930s that took the unemployed and created jobs fixing infrastructure, roads, bridges etc. Serious work that is not glamorous, but needs doing and has been ignored for decades. No one will use the dirty word DEPRESSION, but the media here and there run opinion polls asking whether we are in a second recession and no one questions why, with the lack of jobs, there is simultaneously a drop in unemployment benefits being filed.
Are people just giving up? It would seem so. The icing on the cake is last week's announcement that General Electric is building a huge manufacturing plant in China.
Tim Pawlenty is as depressing as his name.

Paul Rand hangs around with much the same addiction for attention as Palin, he knows he's unelectable.

Mitt Romney...This man has more flip flops than the pancakes at IHOP. He talks and says nothing that will indict him for having an opinion that may jeopardize some constituency or state that he'll need later. He cannot win against Obama, simply for being so innocuous he makes Obama appear intelligent.
From the get go I wrote Obama is nothing more than a Hollywood set, there's nothing back there except some unknown props holding him up. Its taken 3 years for the lemmings to realize he's in over his head and no matter what the teleprompter scrolls for him, he's not making contact. He did as he was told and bailed out the banks and some corps, loading more debt and paying off the very oinks that should have been allowed to drown in their own swill.

Imagine Mitt Romney as the follow up act after Obama.  Although no political leader takes him seriously, however polite they may be face to face, he's a laughing stock and the debt ceiling wrangling proved his incompetence yet again-no script, no brain. Imagine mundane Romney having to follow that and face down any Arab/Muslim government, the Gaza thugs, Russia and our Lord and Master, China and expecting any of them to be a good faith partner with America. 

I think that pretty much clears the table so we can now serve tea....enter candidate Rick Perry

How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spreads his claws. And welcomes little fishes in, with gently smiling jaws (Caterpillar in Alice in Wonderland)

Although Carroll's caterpillar spoke while toking on a hookah atop a mushroom, his words are no less surreal than current affairs in the US. So the cavalry seems to have arrived dressed up as Rick Perry, larger than life from Texas. Big man, big mouth, big hair and expressing a big belief that America can be Big again.

And even if its not 100% possible to be Big again, we need a man who believes that, because every immigrant and refugee, every stock market, every foreign government is convinced that despite whatever Obama was sent to say or do,  America remains 100% better than where they are and a country of boundless hope. We can't do anything until hope is restored, maybe Perry is the man to do that...

Do not take ur sleep meds and proceed to post

That is my lame excuse for the previous post It Must Be Wonderful. I should know by now but for some reason this refill is extra strong...Chinese generics...and I can usually get away with whatever I'm doing. When I start seeing double, I know it's time to hit the pillow. The power of the particular pain med I use is unusual in that, instead of being sedated, I become hyper. Me hyper=the honey do list gets done, the one I should hire 'a guy' who does odd jobs that require climbing ladders repeatedly taking down curtains and replacing them, hanging pictures and the dreaded sorting of hundreds of documents that need to be either filed or shredded. And it doesnt happen with every brand of this med, only one. The newer one knocks me out which I hate, the reason for using this is pain that is so debilitating I cant focus on anything except trying to find a comfortable position to escape pain (left hip, groin, knee, lower back...all on the left side.) Ms Puss was mewing this morning at 7:30am when neighbor went to work. I think he walks right past her, I never hear him say anything, she just sits and waits after she sees its not our door. But this morning she was all agitated and not on the steps but at the door itself ready to come in and have a look see for her food dish. The boys rushed the door and kind of pushed her back out, back down the steps and she began to hiss as if its her place and what the heck are you guys thinking? I'm late for breakfast but I made it, so lets eat. She becomes frightened but Booties loves her coming around, waits on the window sill looking for her, just wants to sit near her. Shes okay with Bootie if she's not being growled at by Mr. B, and he does growl. I get the same rolling roaring growl when his claws are being trimmed. No matter how careful I am, with him its an invasion of privacy and his dignity. So I just head butt while talking to him and clipping quickly, but not much can be done with his back toenails...they are too long, very sensitive and its ridiculous to be writing about cat toe nails. I expect to 'pay' for the work I did today by tomorrow when the med wears off but at least these things got done, the AC is out and put away, curtains were nagging at me and now all the windows are correctly private while open for air and the cats can sit on the sills. And no bald men can look in to see if I'm awake. 3,400 new housing settlements in East Jerusalem...but they dont want old-er people. This is wonderful news for olim and families waiting for so long to settle into a home.

How Wonderful it must be...

To be born to the right parents, into a family of yechus within a community where you are respected and liked. Where your children can attend yeshivah and you can afford tuition. HOw wonderful to be invited to simchas and when you are ill,to be asked if there is anything you need. How wonderful when you can trust people to be no more or less than they present themselves so you know who you are talking to, friends with and can make amends when needed. How wonderful to be inside the human race, the Jewish race, in a community with leadership untouched by scandal, proud and kosher in every psak helping maintain the right path in every place. Reading tehillim each morning, it seems that only a few generations after Sinai and leaving Egypt that the spiritual deterioration had already begun. Reading the prayers of King David running for his life, begging for protection from G-d, hiding and praying that one day they will all pay for the pain, suffering and believing the lies rumored about him, not believing he was a man of G-d and each thing he did was preordained. I read Asaph, who is very difficult to read because he so grieved at the condition of the Jewish people and himself. The descriptions he writes of his body shriveled as a wine skin, his bones dry as dust, parched and groaning, his tears soaking the bedclothes...being forced to drink 'a flask of tears' or given vinegar to drink by their captors. Here we are thousands of years later with the same laments, the same isolation from the rest of the world and for others isolated from almost everyone around them. We are told to reacch out. In all my life through training and experiencing rejection that hardest thing for me is to ask for anything, the few times I do ask I get hammered. As noted elsewhere Jewish agencies have lost so much funding they are laying off staff, cutting back programs and so social care programs are practicaly none existent. An agency woman almost yelled at me when I said I moved to PA, alone pretty much to make my way, she asked why I was living outside the well known and more insular Jewish community where I would have a network of people around me. People dont network around you without reason. I worked for 25 years and people network to benefit their own agendas and promote their own goals, if you fit into that scheme, welcome aboard. I cant fix the past and cannot fathom reaching out to strangers to create a future, so I am alone wth 2 cats with a boulder that sits on my chest making even a breath, difficult. I force myself to wash dishes because I cant face them in the morning. The kitchen is not conducive to any serious cooking, almost no counter space, any no exhaust fan so anything in or on top of oven smells up the apt for hours. THe movers somehow did not pack the box with my expensive jaquard curtains that could cover the entire front window. They left so much behind, like it was hefker, tney had to leave and make other stops on the way back, just wanted to get it all over with. They brought a van too small and then blamed me for not packing the right way. I can count on one hand the wholesome complete meals I've cooked since arriving. And those are usually made when the kids plan to come for dinner, otherwise its a deli sandwhich of turkey, or something as boringly simple. Food is nauseating now, there is no pleasure in it. The one good thing is I cannot shop much here as its hard to walk to and from the market, the market is huge and that's alot more walking until reaching home and dragging bags up the stairs. I think I found a laundromat not far but dot want to risk goint there alone, getting lost with a basket of laundry. People say, Oh I will take you to wash, let me know...but I cant knock on some working persons door and ask to be driven to wash my clothes, who does that? The laundry I had picked up last week was returned almost dry with dryer sheets clearly not used for me, floating among the clothes and left me wondering when i smelled eerything if they even went through a wash cycle or just were tossed in the dryer,folded and repackaging. Thinking of New York, its easy to dismiss the quarter century of work because it was so grueling, years of eating sh**t on almost no money, living in rooms with strangers, being a target for jokes by male grad students who invited me over for philo study one night and asked me to bring a pizza for everyone. I stop and buy a large pie and knock. They are all sitting naked from the waist down reading Aristotle. I guess I was supposed to shriek and run out but I sat down and tried participating in the group study, which wasnt the plan. So after a half hour of silence while they sat naked reading, I got the point and left. Why would you do that to someone? Dont ever ask me again what will you do with all this time now? Because my skin is raw, my bones as well are dry as dust from grief and being ina crowd and completely alone. Its like being born with a mark and you cant see it but everyone else does. I dont like being the clown or rachmunus, so I stay away, avoid people altogether, the pain of trying to exchange words that will lead to something longer term is too much. 3 woman gave me their names and numbers...all goyim and I bring myself to call any of them. I dont do bars or sit and drink. You know if you dont have these things, good parents, friendships, human connections in place early on, you never have them. I went to work and my first effort in my new job in the mid-80s was to look around and see who I could invite out for dinner or a movie. A very helpful Black woman in IT was helping me set up our database and showing me how to use it. I called her and asked if she was free to have dinner. She kind of snickered and whe nI asked about seeing a movie, she looked at me sideways. "Who are you to ask me to go anywhere, what's wrong you dont have friends?" Actually no, I recently escaped from Crown Heights, lost custody of my children and after 13 years isolated without TV or much of anything, the world seems more daunting than when I left it in '73. I seem to vacillate between a feeling of such black despair and at the same time cannot mention these things to anyone for fear of being locked away. I dont trust my own children to protect me,feeling they would be the first ones to suggest a cold room and restraints until common sense returns and the demons are at bay. Children born in the right way, with the right people who know the right rituals and blessings, who welcome a child into a Jewish community not a world of chaos or mixed marriage, these are the people who will live to see grandchildren and Moshiach. I dont know whether the rest of us will be welcome to join in the community at that point, but I understand so well why Veronica sat silent until age 17 at Maimonides the summer I took care of her. Some of us have a gift of being brain disrupted by mental disease that removes us physically from the world andits horros. Other of us retain sanity and even intelligence and see and hear everything as if we are reliving a nightmare or punishment from another existence. There is no rhyme or reason to my life, no reaons to be disliked, scorned.The daily seder I put into place makes the rest of the day more profoundly painful. You cant say much of a anything these days, express despair and wanting to leave it all behind and there's always some asshole who suddenly cries out, call Samaritans, call 911 to pick her up and then you lose all right to even your darkest moments, you become physical as well as mentally a prisoner of war. You will live they say, you will take meds and learn who wonderful life is and it never is, its progreasinly more horrible with each lonely year coming and going. I watch TV only to hear the voices of other humans, most of what is on is so stupid as to boggle the mind, who spend money producing such garbage? I want to bake, but everyone stopped eating sugar,white flour. I as feeling poor calico Puss at 8am and she suddenly looked up and over at another year. A small pug was growling thru the fence and the owner was watching me place a dish of food for the cat, a cat not mine, but a cat here every day for breakfast and a bedtime meal. She stood there and when I waved, she turned and pulled the leash. I asked the upstairs friendly youngs woman to watch my cats for 2-3 days to avoid botheing the kids. I didnt give her a date when she said, Oh I'm leaving for Colorado and boarding my dog, sorry. But I hadnt given her any dates, she leaving for a short trip, I guess do this was something to involved or beneath her. It took all my front teeth out to even leave her a note and speak with her but the reponse was what I expected, but ha hoped maybe it would work out. She has a dog and understands animals need care whe they need it, not when you're in the mood. My life ended when I could no longer become pregnant due to fibroid and had emergency surgery. There was no reaosn to live, if a woman cant procreate, what else is she for? Men look for sex with woman half their age, I was already 40 an a mother of 5, my life was over. WRite a book? about my entree into Chabad and departure? I left 5 children in the community and hoped to G-d they would not be punished and find shidduchim worthy of marriage. Maybe I just need to get this surgery done and over with, to heal from so much pain doing the smallest chore or walks. Right now the best and safest place is bed with a night light, the doors locked and a book to read before sleep.

It's the Little Things

And it all accumulates. Maybe for some people it gets blown off into the wind...but I feel like Sisyphus carrying the damned globe up the hill and I never quite make it before sliding back down to start all over again. I've never seen a medical system as the one in PA. Maybe its just getting sucky everywhere now thanks to ObamacrapKare. First I made appointments from NY, to ensure I had doctors in place when I got here. But due to changes in the health care system in PA, they are consolidating, doctors are running off because they dont like one system or another or wont accept one insurance coverage or the other...First Rhuematologist I met with was beyond belief, his own nurse was arguing with him that he had done something he thought he had taken care of and she was really ticked as I'm sitting waiting FOR THREE HOURS. Two of which I spent in the general waiting room, the third hour was sitting in an ice cold exam room. He walks in without a word, plops himself at the computer screen and stares at it I guess looking for my first visit summary so he would know what to say...and it goes on for 3 minutes in total silence. I ask him, if I had offended him or what the problem was because after waiting 3 hours its kinda strange to come in without saying anything. Then he forgot to fax my prescription to the mail order pharmacy, I wait 2 weeks patiently, it takes them along time anyway and then when I call them, they never got the script. Leave a message on the healthcare intranet asking him to fax the damn script, he calls me late Friday, and by then I was actually sick with something else and tell him, something is wrong and its not rhuematological. He sez, take the medicine as soon as you get it, that's probably all that's wrong...I went next morning to urgent care, had a full exam and chest xray, diagnosed w pnuemonia (explains the extreme fatigue that was even worse than the normal fatigue from autoimmune illness, the chills, the low grade fever) you get my point, he's Lost in Space. So I look for another rhuematologist find ONLY one that has excellent patient ratings, the catch is you wait 2-3 months to see her. I get an appointment, this was 4 weeks ago and was supposed to see her tomorrow. Every doctor works differently here, some use the compuer system to communicate with patients, others dont want to be bothered-call the secretary, some office staffs are super efficient, others seem to work as if they're doing patients a favor sending in prescriptions or faxing something. New rhuemi's staff never sent a packet of forms to fill out for tomorrows visit, but even better they know I'm new to PA, on disability and didnt tell me I live an hour away-BY CAR OR BUS. I call to cancel because there's no way I can afford car service there and back. Bus doesnt stop at her office address, its a 5 minute walk away with a transit note that some walk ways may be in repair or not available, huh? I call to cancel and appointment lady tells me it'll be at least 2 months before next available appointment. So I confirm thinking I can make the visit if I borrow money from daughter (the shame of asking one's child for money) and then after mapping the trip so I know what to expect with car service, how early to call in advance, only then do I see how far this office is from my apartment. I call to cancel-the cancellation line is not taking calls, I get disconnected 2x. I go online to cancel-they've blocked that possibility and have a note to call the office if cancellation is necessary. After scratching my ear I call back and dont press the same line, but press "all other calls" and the one who picks up is the one who does appointments...busy lady. I finally cancel. If they had just said, lady this is a really long trip, do you want to think about seeing her downtown instead, either way its a 6-8 week wait for an appointment...but no. I think the assumption is every person here has a car, access to a car or can jump on a bus. As the ACCESS system, my PC doctor screwed me with a BS letter that had to be redone and then when I called the ACCESS office, was told dont apply UNTIL AFTER SURGERY. So when its the worst time, then ask for ACCESS. London Bridges Burning Down-this is another example of a Euro country welcoming immigrants, immigrants refusing to meld with the rest of the country except to open shops that cater to their own communal needs and then getting annoyed when the government realizes its getting sucked dry as every one that can escape Egypt, AFrica, Iraq, etc. are given either fiancee or refugee status and benefits to help them resettle. And resettle they do, because they havent ever lived with someone paying their rent, medicals, food while they sit back and complain or parade in the streets yelling about sharia law and now are fomenting rage because they see the British living well and decide its time to burn down civilization now because sooner or later we had planned to do it anyway for the calipha. Water cannons, rubber bullets? Cammeron needs to take a page from El Assad get real and fast. You're good to people, they bite you until they can take everything you have and destroy you. Employers hire people under hours to avoid paying health insurance, companies like GE sending new manufacturing business over to China while Oblama blames everyone on the list Geithner told is causing problems i.e. tea party insurrection refusing to allow debt ceiling auto raise so we can continue to live in the Land of Monetary Delusions where we spend what we dont have and promise to pay China what we cant and keep hoping the wolf wont knock at the door. But what China does is continue to hack into every secret and important computer in the US, send us sub par medicines called 'generics' manufacture good with chemicals so foul I've had to throw out a shopping cart because the wheels stunk so powerful, even two weeks on the porch didnt change the stink. A tote bag that smelled the same way, waited a week on the porch, hoping it would air out, straight into the dumpster. Cheap clothes, shoes, everything made for short term use so we have to replace it and they will send us more shit they made so we can buy it, we have to buy it...they own us. It adds up? Am I the only one a nervous wreck from these things? me and Louis Black. Still threatening and insinuating the Medicare, SS and other 'entitlement' programs are getting cut back. But GE can send manufacturing jobs to China. LimpNoodle Reid is heading the big economic committee to decide how to move forward. Reid...laptop to Pelosi and brown noser to Oblama is going to decide who gets what, where the pain is spread. Reid the King of Nevada Pork projects. But the best news of the day is there is a petition going around that Bert and Ernie of Sesame Street are thought to be gay and the petitioners are demanding they be married on TV as a gay couple to teach pre schoolers tolerance of "others." They're freakin puppets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But somehow in the decades since Jim Henson created them, the fact that they room together like The Odd Couple, its been decided they're gay. It says something about the gay community that they have to use 2 hand puppets as mascots to further their cause in destroying Western society as we once knew it. And whispered on the news, dont blink or you'll miss it, is that Oblama declared that every insurance company MUST cover birth control pills and ob/gyn for free as part of annual health care. I'm not pro abortion, I am for a woman making decision about her body not the government, but in this case he's cancelling out what he perceived the Right has demanded which is an end to later term abortions. Women anywhere should not be using abortion as a means of contraception and because men are selfish condoms remain dusty in their boxes and women can choose to get sick from birth control pills, IUD that float around dangerously in our bodies or strange shots 3x a year that possibly will have bad effects decades later, we'll wait to hear from the useless FDA that allows Chiness poisoned fish, foods, meds and chemically tainted goods to come into the country while they turn the other way...because China owns us. The whole world is mad, thats it in a nutshell. I dont care what rabbi says what about the messiah is around the corner so lets get happy. If he is, he's got some falutin mess to come look at and I want to hear from him at that point to 'be b'simcha' after he checks out everything going on. I say my prayers, read my Tanya and other unmentionables, dont blame me for not cleaning up this mess. They found water on Mars?...how many light years does it take to reach Mars from here? And they're worried about the water rights to Mars? Tell the Messiah you want the water rights on Mars and see where He tells you to go.

belated Motherhood

One child, forgive me my children are adults but I'm stuck in a time warp...a son called while I was still asleep in the morning to ask if I might cosign on a lease, he needs to move. One daughter showed up in the afternoon, spontaneously after work. She put out the garbage and always snaps at me when I bend down to pick something up. Checking up on me she called it, but she talked alot about work, job interviews, a friend whom she felt close to and was hurt by the person. And even though they are adults and don't want advice there is still a quality reserved even in the worst familial situation where a child can return to ask its mother...what to do, how to do...can you help. And a mother, if she has any maternal blood left in her cells, no matter where she was or what she did, lives for these moments...to suddenly become visible in the eyes of the most important people in your life, the ones you gave birth too and love more than anything. It may not be a love that is measureable every day in ordinary ways, but it is love. My daughter mentioned a concern about possible homelessness because of what her generation is going to experience economically as we watch the global community retract in both spending and investments. They never got to a point of working for any person or company that vested into a pension for them and social security is questionable, even for me long term, and it is all I have. Private pension runs out at age 65. I told her as long as I am alive the words 'homeless' is not in her vocabulary, she will have a roof over her head and food to eat. And that goes for all of them, there are 2 rooms, we can move furniture or disccard all these books/cases and buy Israeli style mattresses that are stored by day and slept on by night. Nothing is impossible if you love someone and they are willing to fight for their lives. Fight rather than whine. I can help and provide sanctuary now that I live here, but I cannot fight their fights, that is what Life is and its their turn to battle it out. There is a part of my heart that wishes for a grandchild and a larger part that looks around at the mess and I think why bring a life into this suffering? Bootee was floppy and figeting by the porch door this evening and we didnt see Ms Puss after she was abandonded yesterday. There is another male cat who is vicious with her, I think its her housemate and the fight is over food because this is not far from our window and startd only lately. But she was there on the 3rd step relaxing after the rain, waiting and hoping. Bootee ran after me in the kitchen, mewing as if telling me to get her food and toddling in front of me on the way back to present it to her. Mr. B had already stepped up and Puss had backed down to the bottom, a staring contest between them as he growls and she bares her teeth while frowning. She was so hungry she was going in circles as I tried to find a safe dry spot where no one would disturb her, tenants were starting to come home from work, driving up quickly and pulling into their spaces, her attention is diverted by noise and feeling unsafe. So she ate in a clearing I made near where they blue jay is buried, its under the house, I raked it clear of stones and bricks and it seems to stay dry and cool. Its only good for summer. When I saw her today, really I had to hold myself from picking her up and crying into her chest I was so happy she came back. When my youngest daughter was here yesterday and saw her, she said immediately, She looks like Piddy! The cat I cared for for 19 years, she died of cancer. Same calico colors of black grey, orange and so thin. These cats if you shave off all the fluff, you find 1.5 to 2lbs of cat left. But I wantd to just pick her up and hold her, take her inside. I'm truly afriad of the impact on Mr. B if I bring her in. He mopes now when I feed her, he watches, goes down the steps to see where the food is, checks to see if his food has been touched and then stands guard on the stop step to be sure Puss knows whose house this is. But if its necessary, she will come in, as the bird came in. BideaWee is offering a blind kitten (tuxedo) if anyone would adopt it.

shame

I didnt leave the house until almost 3pm, and it was unexpectedly at that because I needed to send priority mail. Open the back door and sitting on the 3rd step like a faithful puppy, Ms. Puss was waiting since early morning. I didnt hear her meowing earlier at all. Also cant see her from the window, but the boys can sense or smell her and are fidgety. She looked terrible, it was very hot and she barely meowed. She followed me to the cement landing where i usually place her tiny dish and rubbed all over me head butting, asking for food. But when I walked away she waited and then realized the direction I went, down the driveway meant I wasnt going inside to bring her food, so she wandered off and I hope to shelter. I got to mailbox and realized my wallet was still at home. Mailed stuff, got home, took wallet, took pain meds because its becoming unreal, went back outside and no Ms. Puss. Sky was getting luminously grey and darkening...I placed her dish on the bottom step in case she would return and went to get milk and other small items. On the way out of the market large drops were splatting and then it became rain and the rain came full wet and hard, quickly filling holes in the sidewalk and puddling up the streets where cars were splashing as i waited on the curb thinking the tiny dish of food was getting filled with water. I'm balancing on my back like a donkey, a tote bag with milk, frozen OJ, yogurt, Barilla spaghetti and carrying a package of 8 papertowel rolls on one side and using the cane with my right hand...I think this cane is too short because when I come to a high spot on the sidewalk it becomes less painful to navigate. I make it to the back porch, sopping wet, wig is soaked, shoes are saturated, clothes drenched and it was lovely beautiful rain, my favorite weather element. Love snow but only to look at. Ms Puss had not eaten, had not waited for me...she already had spent half her day waiting for the selfish woman who should have gone out early, because in my heart I knew she was waiting and let her wait, hoping she would go home and be welcomed there. But she believed I would show up sooner or later and I did, only to walk away. I have some serious abandonment issues, its not the animals are so smart, its that they epitomize helplessness and when they look to us, to me for help, be it food or shelter, I cant turn away, But I did that and she probably went to her home and will return later and I'm upset. serious abandonment issues. Its a wonder I ever found the moxie to file for divorce (s).

Cats & Other Dilemmas

Two of my kids came by, for early supper. Wasn't dinner because no one eats dinner at 4:30. Very strange how a person who knows you, knows alot of what's going on about you, comes in, drops their bags, makes a meal, eats, chats and says "gotta go." It felt obligatory, sort of like the nursing home visit another daughter said I shouldnt be thinking about, cause I ain't in one yet. Maybe they've discussed the idea already and just figure, she might as well be, we'll keep our distance, talk about the weather, anything but the family and that way we can just doggie paddle rather than swim into the deep end. I already heard the mantra, "we're so busy, get a life, dont wait for us" I got that already. So why come and avoid looking at how the apartment is, whats going on in the bedroom, ask if anything is needed in terms of help, oh wait, I forget my middle daughter emailed me a link for cheaper home care aide/maintenance help in case I want someone to come in and do something. The only thing I want done strangers cant do, is take the damn clothes to the landromat. You have to provide a car for the help to take the laundry outside. They will drive the clothes to the landromat, but using a cart is for the person who needs help but cant afford to pay an aide who requires a car to drive the clothes to the laundromat. We can blame unions for this upgrade in workers rights. But my plan at this point is to get the heck out of the hospital within 72 hours if not sooner, get inside and stay here. Never mind anything else. I solved the cat food problem, they were eating from dishes on the floor which was doing too much stretching of my hip that pops each time I lay out their food, So I threw a tablecloth on top of the table and placed their dishes on top. The first day was a huge success and then they decided to be contrary just for fun and when I placed the food they had just asked for, on the table rather than on the floor, Mr. B walked away and flopped on the rug, with a sigh. Bootie does a smaller imitation, they're both on strike. The litter box continues to be an issue because its so low, I bought a rake which is useless for cat litter, so I have to look at something else. There are tools available but reviews online just pan everything as rickety, cheap and they break easily. I thought to use a garden tool but cant find a narrow spade with a long handle or narrow shovel/scoop with a long handle. I have a second litter box and liner sifters which I may set up, but the calbe has been out for over a week and its erev Tish B'Av. its a small problem but seems to be the last major issue re: deep waist bending. Other things I can just leave or use a tool to pick things up. I dont believe that myself, knowing me I'll be pushing furniture around within being home after 2 days, but I hope to avoid that. When the kids were here I asked one to bring in chairs from the porch. He came and said there was a mean looking kitty trying to come inside. It was ms. puss looking for a meal...so I gave her some cat food and we went back nside. They left at 6:30. My cats are inside and somehow can sense her being around, outside. She doesnt meow, because I hear her when she does. So Bootee flopped by the back door, his signal that he wants to go out. Sure enough, there she was almost at the top step, looking to come in (but unsure of her welcome). Mr. Boo walked over to the top step and bared his teeth with a low growl, she raised her head, showed her teeth and hissed and neither moved except to bob heir heads slightly. She finally eased down the steps but refused to back down altogether. King of the Rotting Wood Porch am I, its mine and we wuz here first. He made it clear, while paccing and growling he did not want her to make herself at home here. I think the decision of bringing her in, has to be recalculated or dismissed. Mr. Boo is still pissed off I brought Bootee home as a new friend for him 4 years ago. They've adjusted but Mr. Boo wouldnt have been content to just be my cat and I didnt know I was suddenly going into retirement. Its unlikely Mr. B would survive me bringing in a third cat, although I think Bootee would be overjoyed to have someone return his affection and desire to play. As I write this I'm remembering what my daughter said last night..."I think you think you're cat are smart" or something to the effect that I attribute too much to them being able to understand much of anything, worry to much about how they feel. " My cat is stupid" she said and asked me if I wanted another cat and announced she doesn't want kids either. Too much work, too much to think about...there was a time I would blame my divorce or chassidus on some of this type of thinking or behavior but as I hear more statements or nihilistic thinking, I think we've run out of excuses. Neither son nor daughter asked for any surgery details, a date, how you getting there etc. so its clear, as if it wasnt already, that I can shut up, just go do it and send us a postcard when you're back. So I have to tap the strangers I met last week and see if they know reliable people to come in to do things. Very strange and sad situation. There's I'm busy and then there's I really dont give a flying phuck and I think we've taken off and are flying phucking high with total lack of care or concern. Dreamed I was in a hosptial room in Israel Oldest daughter was secretly married and somewhere around. Middle daughter was walking around in a long red dress and jewelry. Youngest daughter was opening lattice cutwork boxes and tossing grey dust everywhere. Thinking the kindest thing I can do for Ms Cat outside is to stop feeding her and coax her to stay in her place down the street because I can't see adopting her.

R.I.P. 'AAA' Rating

Once upon a time in the USA when, say for example a person might be very concerned about being connected to 'XXX' ratings of any kind because of Triple AAA investments involved in XXX cinema properties and such events could incite a RICO or DEA knock door, drag down investgation-mothers and kids not withstanding. But we have evolved as a Nation, in fact the global community is so immune to "XXX", that 'x' has been replaced with 'A' as the letter to watch. As the saying goes, $$$ is power, unless you're in Egypt where "P*ssy (XXX)remains in Power." I'm quoting research, this is not personal opinion. In the course of reading the past week's hoopla over budget ceilings and financial ratings I wondered why we sounded like a bunch of kindergarteners fighting over our alphbet noodle soup, so I decided it was time to do some journalistic research on the differences between a double AA Triple AAA and the rachmunus of them all, the A rating. If you receive an "A" rating you might as well get thee to Greece because it appears once you're rated that low, even you if CAN speak Mandarin, you can bend over and kiss your XXX's ahem, AAA's goodbyeAmerica has completely emasculated/dessimated its male population, even muscle bound brooders have a female quality, cars have shrunk smaller than half the reading scores in Williamsburg. Who thinks this a temporary situation, until the economy 'picks up' Does anyone read Mark Bittmans's NYTimes food column based out of NYC? One can measure the course of human events in America by Bittmann's rise and fall. Do you know how long it took Bittmann to get out of his 2'x3' kitchen with his 6" counter space, 1 cabinet and half sink? His hair is almost white. He looks back with some nostalgia, now that he's pulling 6 figures...some of them AAA-AAA and some of them XXX. gei vais This historic moment in American budgetary history is brought to us at the same time the President's rating is at an all time low. While at the same exact time the media (somebody has got to be paying these guys under the table to say this) are asking the public "Is this a recession?" When I look at an A rating, I find depression comes to mind, not a recession. The government has decided to go the route of what you see is not what'll you'll get-that A is really a triple AAA, you just need to have some faith in your glasses, banknotes and the BS we're pumping out as fast as the bills we're printing to pay the Chinese what you owe them. I read today Americans need to learn how to live frugally. There are thousands of community gardens in NYC and its boroughs and this year vegetable theft is at an all time high. For the frugal among us, that wont be hard, it was a lesson learned many lifetimes ago. One thing I may start in the morning is stop feeding the neglected calicao cat

who visits soon as its daylight crying for food because her owner fell asleep watching TV and she seems to have gotten the budgetary news sooner than me. It was pouring this morning when my neighbor drove out and kitkat began mewing, I threw on my gown and scarf, oh the boys knew something was a foot and they're running back and forth until the door opens and they see sheets of raindrops plopping on the porch as a raggedy wet meowing upset kitty aska if she can come up the steps...to eat? Not one to be presumptuious, she reminds me of Oliver Twist with bowl in hand asking politely out of hunger. Lately her sweet gentle face is stressed, I dont know if she's been inside sheltered space for some time. What kind of witch leaves her animals out in electric storms and pouring rain? I'm waiting until it gets cooler, if I see this animal still outside, she's coming inside. Even now she rubs against me, wants to be petted and talked to. The boys have become skittish because of new neighbors, more cars in the back so they are nervous when she comes by, whereas before B would sit nose to nose like a friend had come to visit and no one hissed or got itchy over food or ratings or xxx, mostly because their all fixed but more so, because they just have more sense.

Erev shabbos Devarim

There is no explanation needed for those who believe, so I am sharing what was sent erev shabbos Devarim, in response to my letter submitted earlier this week: TANYA Igeres HaKodesh Chapter 29 specifically 21 Cheshvan

Shut the window...

Inside of 24 hours with the stock market crashing, my teachers/administrators pension fund lost $5,000. 1985 all over again. My father would have said "1933 all over again." He often sat and ruminated. When I was a child and he was sober, which he always was during daylight hours, he recalled the many years of his life. His life endlessly unfolded in his recollection of scenes where he was always the defender of some political cause or defending himself against family and business injustices...always in defensive mode, on guard. He liked to recall that day and though I wasn't born yet, I was there- I could always see the grey green rain as it fell on the pale buildings and in the rain sheets that filled the streets, flooding gutters, creating mud that stymied the horses trying pull their wagons loaded with metal wares, clanging against each other as the drops splashed on them and drenching the rags and old newspapers in the wagon of the rag man. My father said he was staring at the black rotary phone on his desk by the window, waiting for a call that would mean an order for bolts of fabric for suits, the call was coming any minute, he was waiting. He looked up, glanced out the window and from his small garment district office, he watched as another man, had perched on a window ledge. Wearing a business suit, the man was too far up to hear anything except wind, the man slid down into a seated position, held himself tightly by the knees, with his back to the open window, when suddenly head down he rolled himself off, fell with the rain into the mud below. My father continued to wait for a call to shake that heavy black phone. It didn't come that day or the next. Months later, he opened his office window and swung his own legs out, let them hang from the sill, above him a clear blue sky. As he sat there making cheshbonas the phone rang. The buyer needed blue serge and no one had it in stock...except my father. He had bought up every bolt of the shimmery blue fabric a decade earlier, thinking he would sell suits to the back country working men in Maryland, mostly log cutters who wouldn't have known that blue serge was out of style in the cities. But there were few sales made for suits that year and he got stuck with hundreds of bolts of fabric that he put into cold storage. He wrote down the order details and shut the window on his way out.

The Language of Words

I began writing poetry around age 9, because there was no other way to express what I saw going on in my home. It was not possible to speak with either parent as mine were caught up in the drama of their chaotic and violent marriage. In that environment, I was left alone to think and recreate a different world, in some instances the alternative is peaceful and comforting, often it is similarly violent and expressed using language or other forms of art and music. Having a means to speak of what you witness as a child makes us the lucky ones. Others turn to substance abuse or perpetuate the feelings of impotence (powerlessness)by uncontrolled rage and abuse in their adult relationships. In thinking about the search for 'happiness' today I couldnt help but read the many posts on a website where people of different cultures, faiths and lifestyles have come together to communicate or find something...for some people, perhaps it is happiness they are seeking, for others maybe just information. But I always think, no I am certain, that language is both an instrument of communication and also a means of obsfucation, cloaking, hiding, deceiving...and I dont think the latter is always intentional. Just as we dress a certain way that we want the world to perceive us, so too we speak and say things that furthers the impression we want to leave someone with. My fascination with language and the Other-the unknown of my Self/Ego/Id and other Selves around me had me understand that language often meant little or nothing, it was not real, not dependable, in fact the language used often meant the very opposite of the words spoken. And this has been confirmed many times in traveling, living with other cultures, faiths and people. Are we to believe that there is a universal thread through all peoples, where people desire and strive to attain a state in life where they can say their desires are fulfilled either monetarily, emotionally or physically? If we are to believe that all people are using language to meet a desire and find happiness, this means to get from Point A to Point Z takes alot of language, millions of words, are needed to convey messages that will take a person where he needs to go, to work and play, to where he wants to do these acts, to be with a mate he feels is the one he desires, the one that makes him feel 'happy' Language viewed this way and used this way is not primarily contemplative, it must be aggressive by nature as it is always active, accruing, moving toward a goal. In later studies I read that the notion of language being schizophrenic and being used to manipulate one's surroundings is a form of domination, a driving characteristic within capitalist societies. Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari explain this hodge podge of thought much better than I can, and had already done so in their classic book Capitalism and Schizophrenia. When I discovered 2 Frenchmen had already discovered and written about the accepted abuse of language, I experienced 'Happy.' My happiness was in the recognition that 2 men I would never meet, speak with, learn with, had experienced the very same dislocation of mind/Self that I had as a child. The marriage of postmodern philosophy and Laconian theory. We, we of Western thought, impose our preconceived notions of what is desire, what is human need on everything and everyone we come into contact with. So what "I" desire is presumably what you desire...right? We see this contemporarily with the export of "the democratic society" being thrust on Afghanistan, Iraq...we are trying hard with Libya, Egypt is slipping between our fingers as Mubarak fades and the constituents of Gaza are piecing together what they desire for a homeland but whether they will define democracy by Western standards is to be seen. The clash of who desires what and how desire is defined by different cultures can be rediscovered in a microcosm of an internet page where people say one thing, claim to desire a thing or a state of being and their words belie their actions. A convergence of comments that toss ideas around with words that leave one asking--Why speak of what has already been said, what is already and readily available to read and study and why are people coming to confess their misery and sins in a very public forum not unlike a public square where the sinner is flogged and asking to be healed, desiring a kind of 'happy' state via a public disclosure of their current Selves and hopefully emerging with a newer and better self, a happy Self. But absolution is no longer possible, because we have completely turned language into a farce, an empty gesture, a mere verbal pat on the back that actually encourages more injurious behavior because Every-Word-Spoken Is Not-The-Truth. We may not say what is on the tip of our tongues, not due to ettiquette for humans have lost any sense of that, but because we dont dare say you are acting like an ass, you are being selfish and self centered, you are bloated with your own Self leaving no room for anything or anyone else to come close...okay I'm guilty of some of this, so my stones are thrown but my house is not made of glass, I'm well aware. I want to ask the overweight mentally ill young woman who has announced she wants to 'cut' herself to thousands of people on the internet page, what drives her to exhibit herself in the town square? But I dont have a chance to do so because she then announces, 'I cut myself and now feel better.' Which is followed later by a question of how does she protect her privacy, after all not everything she writes should be public fodder, she says. But precisely what she desires is to exhibit her pain, to find someone who can diminish it, tell her she is beautiful and desired, someone who will make her "happy." To say "I am alone, that the pain of loneliness is more than a weight imaginable, that I no longer know what touch of another feels like, this pain doesnt allow me to breathe, to think clearly or at times even allow me to move...I am consumed by aloneness, frozen in thought, time and space...but what I say to you is the Truth. I do not desire happiness for I do not yet know what that is, what is means, what it brings-other than what I see others around me consumed with and calling happiness, and I do not like what I see, I do not want what they desire and do not need it. And perhaps and because some of us cannot use language in a way that has been corrupted, turned inside out on itself, distorted into lies despite the obvious truth that conflicts with simultanenous statements, perhaps that explains why loneliness persists, nay it flourishes, in a very public and increasingly tiny world that is crowded with personal confessions that finally disclose nothing to make a life with or to recognize as someone to be with.

Wrist bands remind me

of when Jews had to be marked with yellow stars throughout Europe, Eastern Europe during the Nazi era. I dont get the wrist band cult where one wears color rubber bands indicating what social/medical/mental disease you're aligned with. Are wrist bands meant to be conversation starters? "I see you're wearing a pink & purple psychodelic wrist band, are you a practicing bi-polar or just a friend of the Polar-Challenged?" " Sorry, but maroon means what in wrist band language?...Hep C? your liver is about to expire and you're waiting for a transplant. Good luck with that." "Fire engine red wrist band with metal studs! Wow. Uh, did you just say you killed your children while post partum to earn that?" If we advertise or market our illness in the public square of social media, does it make us one global family of healing humans or a mass of commiserating fools lacking shame and modesty? Where is the line between openness and enough already? I dont wear bracelets. Or watches. An occasional pair of earrings. Most often I wear black. But if the day comes around again, I'll be first in line to put on a yellow star.

Modern Life

Five days without cell service and counting, new cycle doesnt begin until Aug. 6, no calls come in, none can be made. Paid the bill, doesnt matter one iota, new cycle begins Aug 6...unless of course I would like to discuss starting a new contract, upgrade my line/phone etc. If I can stand through 5 hour fabrengens I can wait until Aug. 6 Can't call cable company to ask WTF happened to the cable line, the message on the screen reads "No Signal" Can't call the electric company to ask WTF is the bill they still havent sent, since I moved in, in May. But I can pay bills, somehow that's always a working option. I'd like to get a landline, analog TV and cancel all of modernity.

What part of "Goya" dont you understand?

And I'm not talking about beans here. Both online and in private (licht bentching? tehillim?) I've been hakking G-d's tea kettle asking how much loneliness and isolation He thinks one human can take? Be careful what you ask for... So this morning I'm gettin ready for important Dr. appointment, everything prepared and dial cell phone for a taxi, cell phone auto message tells me I cannot make calls, I'm out of minutes. I knew that but conveniently erased it because I had to get to Dr., waited 4 weeks to see this man. Took my bag of records, files etc. said a final farewell to the cats and told them if I dont come back, best of luck, because I'm leavin with no idea of what to do. They understood, everyday is like that for them. I walk down the block and decide to stop in the pharmacy and see if they have a pay phone so I can call Dr.s office and taxi company. No pay phone, but Ms. Felicia is working the register at 8:30am and she turns out to be the first angel G-d sent to assist one of His favorite recalcitrant slow students. She pulls out her Blackberry and calls the taxi service, asks me how long the wait will be, usually 45-1 hour now I tell her. She doesnt like that and calls her friend who drives a jitney service, but it seems you have to know who to know because the only official car service is punk. She calls her friend, a woman, so now I thank her, go outside and figure with over 1 hour surely one of these options will appear. Since Murphy's Law seems to trumps His law sometimes, I stood there for 45 minutes in blazing sunlight until my leg almost crumbled and crept (I'm creeping alot these days, pain is amazing) back into the ice cold pharmacy, Felicia was on the phone, and when she saw me still hanging around, she was as upset as I was, dropped her call and called a third person. Peter was there in 3 minutes, I arrived at Dr. appt with 4 minutes to spare and was supposed to be there a half hour early, which was nonsense because they had mailed me a folder of paperwork to fill out and bring with me. Mr. Peter was kind enough to give me his phone number any time I need a car. At the Dr.s office I found one woman who couldnt stop laughing about the dead birds, lost cats and my own cats and the more I went on, the more her cigarette chest heaved (skinny as a stick too) but we were exchanging jokes like 2 old friends, she asked for my name and number and gave me hers. After seeing this Dr. I'm called up to desk for a summary of surgery prep information and a lovely woman and her husband are waiting next to me. She turns to tell me she's had 2 surgeries with my doctor-to-be and it was a breeze, up and walking in 4 hours, its can happen, the pain IS minimal, life does become so much better, she had 1 hip/1 knee and is having her second hip done. I'm on that time line as well, but I guess its easier with a spouse to get you thru the early recuperation days. She said I should call her for anything, just to discuss any concerns about surgery and wrote her name and number down. 3 goyas in a day..a hazakah. There must be something in my past life or some level of existence that only G-d knows about because its always been goyim who've been there pointed me back in the right direction, brought me into college, made sure I had medical care after divorce. Black women who were so kind as they raised me while my mother was out and about. This is not to say every day experiences are this way, this was a gift given in response to anguish and frankly, anger, a terrible way to approach G-d for anything. So a gift given means nothing is not understood and accepted and used, and returned in good faith. Felicia moved to PA from Brooklyn, she lived near coney island avenue, (so she recognized an old weary Jwish woman when she saw one...I so often forget that the world sees me one way, as I dont see myself) and then said her sister-in-law is Jewish. A nice Jewish girl married a nice African American boy and I'm invited to join them for drinks. So G-d what's the point? Go out with this heathen crowd and see what I shouldnt be kvetching about because this is all treyfe business anyway? Or go and see what amazing mivtzoim might occur? (I'm not expecting a response because what usually happens is, this is the part where I have to decide for myself-you asked for it, you got it, you mess it up or not) Free choice, enjoy:;-)

Boarded House

Since moving into this house almost 3 months ago...only myself and one other occupant remain, everyone else has moved out and with each departure maintenance staff comes in to bang, rip up, hammer away, paint and curse like truck drivers for days. The adjacent apartment to me was empty, leaving the porch entirely for our use, until last week when the young woman and her mother re-appeared with a U Haul and hauled all her stuff over 3 days...then the 5 students living upstairs spent 4 days dumping couches, chairs and assorted garbage into the dumpster and all along the side of the house since the dumpster is overflowing for the past week. There is only one dumpster, maintenance staff uses it, tenants use it and visitors looking for anything to take home to re-use, use it. The noise and activity is noticeable because the dumpster sits below my bedroom window. I called a laundromat last week listed in Laundromats in PA and a gentleman answered, seemed civil, charged $1 a pound no difference in clothes to blankets. He arrived later the next afternoon with 2 other people, one woman in their back seat waving and another man who helped him with the 3 heavy bags into the car. I thought well, okay, maybe a family business or folks trying to start a business. The laundry was returned, color leakage, almost dry and the fee was $70. For 2 days I tried calling the guy to pay for the laundry. Someone returned my call only to tell me that only one gentleman accepts the money/charge card info, please call D--- at this number --- --- ---. When I finally reached him, gave him the card info, expiration, bk code, name I thought we were finished. The charge never appeared on my card. Tonight a man calls, blithering all over..."uh, I wanna speak to Ms. R please is this her? " Now I can smell something is rotten in Denmark or maybe Homestead. He wants my address because "they" wont process the charge without an address. I dont know who he was but he surely wasnt the man I spoke with last week because that dude was lucid and spoke English not Ibo. I refused to give him my address, told him all payment info was provided last week and btw, why wasn't the charge still now made on the card? I told him go call D, he has everything, and hung up and blocked his number. As of this evening, there still isnt a charge. If D comes here and can explain WTF, I'll pay him but I will not be using anyone again to wash for me. This is not NY. This is a wilderness I dumped myself into thinking I will be living in a smaller city, so surely that would mean a level of business saavy and responsibility. This apartment does not feel like 'home'-it feels like a 2 room hotel, very unsettled and I knonw this is why I keep moving furniture around, looking to find the right positions-dammit, its like nesting or maybe fung shei, looking for the right way for things to be, but they aren't right. What a strange world where no one says, would you like to take a morning or afternoon and I'll show you downtown or the shopping area...like where do people buy curtain rods or sheets? Household items? Would you like me to show you how to use the bus lines for your doctor appointments? A mom doesnt need things like that, MOMs just know and these things just come like magic no matter where a Mom finds herself. I hope before I die to find one person I can trust, just one. It has not been easy living terrified inside a cement sealed concrete box with slits to view the world and another to speak, but no one sees the box until I try too hard to be friendly or talk too much, the disease symptoms of the Lonely Crowd. I have long given up ever knowing what it is to be loved and cared for by another adult, but having a friendship to be able to speak and be spoken to as women speak to me anon online, like old friends, with concerns, like sisters...all invisible, some disappear and we never know if they died or are too depressed to write. There is something in me that never wants to Write or use any skill that I had to use to escape my parents and marriage. I dont know how ghost writers live with themselves, I did that for years, and profiling people who were nobodies that insisted they were somebodies enough to warrant seeing themselves in print about their unsold art how they did it. Such vanity... felt so many years at my job like the kid who watches the emperor parade his new elaborately embroidered robe down the streets lined with loyal subjects...in fact he strutted with his scepter, stark naked. And a child yells, the emperor has no clothes on! Whether in CH or Williamsburg, Boro Park, Monsey, there are emperors(mostly self appointed) big and small who lost their clothes along the way. I've spent my entire life in rescue mode, rescuing parents, husbands, colleagues and all the while torn inside waiting for that someone out there to find me, to rescue me. That G-d even listens and hears at this point in my journey, I guess is the most I can ask for now. I had a skill that elevated me, took me away from the alcoholic tantrums and fights, way way above my parents then my father understood and pushed me towards law...but it was all too late. Writing and speaking was my tool to dig myself out of Hell, the only person I trusted, died. The stories on teleiviosn about Hoarders fascinates me because i do the opposite. Accumulate almost nothing. I keep only those documents pertaning to my first husbands divorce becuase of child support payments, I dont anyone coming one day, as they already did once, to say I still owe child support. Or find my taxes garnished while I am paying child support. No live in 2 rooms still where everything has a place, can be touched and seen for stem to stern, there is no where to hide. I discard things without thought, wrong clothes, shoes, food, whatever, gone. Absolutely no connection to anything, living or dead. Even the cats, my fear of having to abandon them is to have them put to sleep before they experience the pain of abandonement, because cats do and they cry. That kitten cried for 2 days, helplessly and no one could help it. Where is the line between playing G-d and following the rule that you must not let another life suffer? what is the definition of suffering? there is no univeral definition. As Ramadan began last night, dying and starving Somalis who may be trying to fast in observance, are intentionally being targeted for massacres by "islamic militants". Islamic militant is the same type of oxymoron as Orthodox Jew who butchered a young boy. Orthodox JEWS who are orthodox, do not butcher children. Muslims who observe prayers, modesty, required good health laws, [protect their families and daughters, do not go out to murder other muslims. They may claim they act in the name of a prophet or idea but G-d doesnt sanction slaughter and murder, these acts come to us when the human mind is distorted with lies and fears, its warps the mind in meat factories, colleges, in religious communities where television and now the pervasive internet has taken over everyone, every one so that any semblence of modesty, any curtain of decency is gone...we are all naked, but the more pompous among us continue to have us believe they are clothed, therefore trustworthy.