dream

Strange dream early this morning
Was with a communal group of Jews as a large succah was being built in an open marketplace. We wwere getting messages from other parts of the country that Suuccos had already begun but the top of our succah was only covered in plastic, no one had placed evergreen boughs on it. Women were complaining and fruit mongers began throwing apples and jeering...I could see all other succahs further down the hill had already been built. then there was a fire and someone opened up a black body bag to show me how a baby had died because no one placed evergreens on the succah.

Cat

Cat, that I loved more than anything or anyone in this world, passed away on December 11. A tumor that showed up a few months ago under her chin grew quickly. Vet said at 19 years of age she wouldnt survive anaethesia. For the last 3 months, she's been on antibiotics, making her even sicker, unable to hold food most of time, other times eating as if starved. Different antibiotic tried and vet showed me how to give her IV fluid at home.
She began isolating herself last month, sleeping under the kitchen table, physically melting whenever I picked her up to administer fluid or meds, clean her nose that was constantly stuffed and crusting from a cold or just trying to comfort her.

Last Monday, exhausted, unable to eat, restless, her eyes were dilated, she clearly was enduring something she couldnt tolerate much more. She came on the bed, something she hadn't been doing much, sat close and licked my arm. When she was younger, healthier she did this daily, as if grooming me. Her tumor was bleeding, she had scatched it hard with her back paw, I found her paw bloody with tissue stuck to it.
I cleaned her tumor, feet and she just buried her head against me. I wrapped her with gauze to protect it and cut the finger off a stretchy glove to make her a booty so if she tried to scratch she wouldnt further mutilate herself.

Tuesday morning I packed her up in my sweater into her case and took her to vet as they opened. Vet saw her right away. The options were to attempt surgery because she would die from blood poisoning with the tumor condition, followed by a collar, IV as long as she continued to live...if she survived the operation. I chose to put her to sleep because she was frightened, in pain and so very tired. Vet let me hold her as he injected inside her thigh with phenobarb and she quietly went died within seconds.

Its taken 4 days even to write this. Cat was with me after the children went to live with their father, with me in disappointments in relationships, through getting my degrees when no family cared or paid attention, moved with me, waited for me, loved me. It feels like the last witness of my life, not just a beloved friend is gone. She is irreplacable.

outside

Maybe its age...but as i watch the world that seems to be losing any boundaries of what is permissable, acceptable, ethical, a world where everything and anything is fine...if it satifies whatever you need...at the moment...this is where i see my kids confused and floundering. and i dont think its just my own children, i think maybe this is an underlying cause for alot of the violent acting out.
Its not simply mental illness...
I dont want to bring religion into this...but religion has always been a force in my life. In 2 that I've studied it says that a child is born pure, not in terms of physical sin, but in terms of knowing G-d and right and wrong. It is the contact of child to parent, child to world that begins to break down and tear apart the protective innocense, the ability children have to recognize the truth.

And the most frightening thing, I would imagine for the young and young adults is watching the lies and being told the lies, are the truth. There are more young soldiers returning with mental health problems than ever before. Suicidal ideation, depression are epidemic in young adults.
My father had an expression...'dont do as I do, do as I tell you' which always meant in our house, what you see isnt actually happening, what I tell you is happening, that's what you have to believe (is true).
THere must be a psychological term for this...its not the child is delusional, its the entire reality distorted as delusion, reality turned upside down, inside out, so that you doubt your own eyes, ears and senses. And then you stop trying to interpret, you wait to be told what it is you are supposed to see, you wait, for instructions and the correct version for you to bring to the outside world.
I dont know if anyone understand the minutiae of this kind of intense manipulation and distortion of children's sense of self and connection to the world. I know it only because I lived it, I survived by watching in silence mostly and writing, very early, taking notes because if you spoke or asked questions about what you saw, you could be in danger.

FOr me, the outside was supposed to be the safe side, nothing could be more dangerous than the inside of my family apartment. When it became clear that the outside was more abusive and equally chaotic as my own home, I became convinced one party in this was insane. And until now, I'm not sure which it is, me or world. I must say since I'm writing this much personal stuff, I walk on the street and simply cannot understand what I see. I feel like I've been dropped from another place and when I see people, what goes on, my skin crawls. I;m not talking about a specific incident of something bizaare, its eevertying; everything feels like a shadow of something real,just behind it and what I see in front of me, the people and all of life is an illusion...only I am solid...everything else feels unreal.

I've never written this before and to slowly type it all down I understand this is my own mental distortions or dissociations which I do every waking moment, as a survival tactic.

I've become convinced that something happened...I dont believe in 'lost memories' like recalling buried abuse, but I wonder if some traumas are so profound they actually alter a person's perceptions of one's relationship to reality...I'm sure I've either put anyone reading this to sleep...but this is quite amazing for me. Seomtimes I wish we had a resident doctor or someone who could put a name to some of these things we discuss and tell us what to read. So much of what many of us write, is the same grief over and over trying to heal and understand.

And tho I write in the first person, these words only echo what I hear from my son...the worlde remains incomprehensible.