Chassidisha maydel leaves klal,does tschuvah returns after quarter century in goyische velt. Ous yid ken men vern-ous khusid ken men nisht vern
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
famous last words
Entering a 3rd week of war, Libya continues to burn as Obama fiddles, dawddles and scratches his ass trying to play 'president.' The saddest thing are the desparate peoples who put their lives on the line, believing if they asked for help from the US in overthrowing despots who tormented, tortured and destroyed their families, that this man with a middle name of Hussein would actually be there for them. He is there for himself and for the agenda of those who put him in power and even those people remain unknown, but he was not elected by the citizens of America other than those lemmings who voted for a Black man who speaks the King's English.
"Ghaddafi must go"
"I'm not ruling anything in or out"
And most frightening for Americans, is there is not a single intellect who grasps the magnitude of world events and is prepared to deal with the liars, thieves and despots both within the US and globally.
For years disenfranchised citizens felt there was no point in voting...since the '60s fizzled and change remained a dream-not a Socialist reinvention of America, but a playing field where The Dream would be attainable by anyone willing to work hard and honestly. Instead millions have come swarming over into the US dropping their anchor babies walking through non existent borders, remaining past their so called student visas, coming in with intention to bomb and slaughter Americans who are now designated as corrupt, lacking morals, infidels...the list is endless.
America shouldnt exist (!) but its the only place everyone wants to move to.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Best News of the Day
Egyptian police set fire to the hated hell hole called the Interior Ministry Building where I spent uncounted hours for a variety of reasons. But the scenes I observed included an illiterate woman who came while her husband stayed back to work the farm fields. They needed required government documents, she had sat all morning without food or water, waiting silently and then at 2pm was told she had to return tomorrow because the person who would handle her documents had left for the day. She began screaming and for her frustration the men in charge deemed her insane and insisted she and all her suitcases etc be removed from the huge waiting room to outside in the hot sun.
Offices with empty file cabinets, men in front of desks with empty drawers except maybe a metal lock box holding cash received.
Office ladies shelling peas or cutting vegetables while people wait outside in hallways to be summoned in for their files that contain a single sheet of paper that needed a stamp.
And in Egypt there is no single place to obtain the necessary stamps to do anything. The government keeps its citizens busy sending them from one part of cairo to the other end to wait on lines with other people also waiting for stamps. No stamp, no can do nothig.
Egypt was is world of petty tyrants, withholding, postponing and abusing their responsibilities because it is often the sole moment in their day when they can exercise control over making someone else's life sheer misery, thereby making their own, a bit easier to stomach.
Hopefully the police had good motives in burning this hell hole and all its filthy secrets, its underground cells and finally silence those cellophane envelopes of meaningless stamps.
Too bad Jews no longer exist in Egypt, despite any propaganda or minor tourism at Sharm, Jews cannot live there. This coming Passover is significant for both Jews and their former masters who themselves have thrown off their own slave masters and oppressor. What a tisch and tale that would have been...
new day, new insight
I was experiencing the rare moment of thinking these last few days, that there was actually someone taking charge, a president who despite all previous indications, actually knew what he was doing. So in the weeks (days?) leading up to the UN vote to go into Libya it must have been a gestation period of preparation that was kept under wraps, because it was hours later that the first volley of French bombs were dropped and then America was full speed ahead. I have no problems with any of this.
Then Kucinich began whining that the Congress was not consulted and the Constitution requires the President to receive agreement by Congress that the state of America requires defending, hence we go to war.
Since we are already boot on the ground in two wars, they decided whoever they are, that 1. We dont have enough boots to go around 2. So we'll clean this up in a few days with surgical bombs which was never mentioned.
The exact same methodology Bush used to plunge into Iraq (false documents citing WMDs that were a danger to the world and the citizens of Iraq) is the same framework Obama is now using to claim Libyans need defending from Khaddafi, Khaddafi is a threat to the world and so we must bomb the air strips to prepare for a no fly zone. I'm pretty sure the package was wrapped ina ribbon that was labelled "create a no-fly zone"
While bombing (Cruise and Tomahawk bombs are 1 million dollars apiece) air strips, residents of Misratah were being annielated by Khaddafi thugs and the FM had reportedly demanded bodies be taken from the morgue and distributed where indicated to show the collateral damage by US imperialists (Khaddafi's phrasing).
After announcing to the world that a coalition of the willing were going into Libya and 10 days after Japan was almost wiped off the map, the president decides its time to go to South America...then he began a descent into a dark hole, credibility spiraling down with every new sentence because even arm chair generals know you dont conduct a war over the phone, even a smart phone or iPad. Are they texting him images on a 3 inch screen so he can make suggestions? He sure ain't making the decisions.
Today while the president was in Chile he spoke to counter accusations by somein the Arab League we may be overstepping ourselves by bombing so hard at Khaddafi's tent and compound. American voices were being quoted as mentioning impeachment because thee Congress was not consulted about war, only the UN was and they dont count...much.
But here's the thing...no one is taking Obama seriously. They're pecking away at his botched medical plan where fees are thru the roof and doctors are refusing patients and patients are being denied meds, durable equipment and co pays for services have tripled (mine have). They've watched him for 2.5 years and complain about flip flop promises, no gay marriage yet as per constitutional right, no slavery reparations although the Native Americans received something, immigration is as bad as it ever was and security is a book written page by page, incident by incident without prologue or forethought. In short he continues to prove himself a false Hollywood facade, a Teflon smirking high giving homie that keeps trying to show the ESTABLISHMENT, a black man can do just as well as anyone.
That may be...maybe someone else or maybe after a few more cut their teeth on the job as this president is doing in one of the most critical times in world history. What manufacturing are Americans going to do by way of JOBS that is was so important for him to disappear from the WAR scene while that's all the media is talking about and run off to be entertainined and work out business deals....isnt that what Vice presidents are used for? and where the hell is Biden anyway? Muzzled?
When he stood at the podium today in Chile and said American forces would be handing over responsibilities in Libya to NATO, there was a collective Hoe Hum, because we're no where near peace keeping mode and he's specifically said that handing over depends on what his generals tell him if its mission accomplished in the 1st phase to make a no-fly zone...or was it to say just make a no-fly zone and quietly try to bomb Khadaffi & Co. off the earth?
Our millions go to Yemen and Bahrain who are currently battering their own citizens back into line, although Yemen is on the verge of toppling its government, an the president hasnt made a distinction why Libya rates an intervention while other countries have escaped his wrath.
It is all so very disingenuous...the excuses needed to go to war, the promises to leave pronto. It's like talking to citizens as if we are children. Because he himself is a political child of inexperience listening to a group of likely old white men who dont get the fact that what's going on in the Middle East NOW is not what it was 25 years ago, it is not like Iraq or Afghanistan. Ammerica is not fighting 'G-d' anymore in the shape of a boy blowing himself up, its a fight of spiritual and mental exhaustion by millions asking for help to stand up, speak up, be heard.
Why cant America be told the truth? becuase we've evolved into a country of selfish greedy swine who are very busy counting our filched pensions by overpaid banks, our lost homes that we couldn't afford to buy in the first place, jobs have gone overseas becuase we're indebted to a country who should be bombed off the face of the earth...we dont want to hear about the moral high road and why its necessary. And most of all, we wouldnt believe him if he did sit down in the Oval Office like a President and sincerely explain the deliberation he took, the time and at least outline a plan that makes sense. If every talking head is asking what's the end game, you have not explained yourself Sir. You have Medvedev and Putin publically arguing over whether the bombings are appropriate, the ARab League flip floping on whether the current course is not over stepping American boundaries. The Arabs want Khaddafi out, but not for the same reasons anyone else does. Khaddafi has insulted his co horts to an extent that only blood vengence can pay for the years they've had to listen to his diabtribes.
America publically claims its supporting regime change and helping citizens define their own futures, while also protecting one of the largest oil reserves in the world.
We need to reinstate the draft. We've needed this for decades. Every American who can eat fast food, play video games, drop out of school can spend some time serving their country that makes these healthy activities available. If you cant serve on the front, we'll find you military work that frees up real soldiers and find you an office job.
Its become too quiet on the Libyan front...its doubtful Khaddafi is so arrogant or stupid to be sitting in his compound waiting for the bombs to arrive, so unless he's entrenched in an underground bunker, he may have left already...or possibly done us all a favor and taken cyanide with his beloved son.
Japan is still spitting out buried survivors from the belly of its bursting landslides. But the stores remain empty except for candy or cookies. Every time a shot is shown, its of people lying down on tarps or small blankets. Do they need mental health professionals? One would think so, I would feel things were more normal if someone was sitting over a fire and fixing a pot of rice for the few familes...other making tea, huddling together. Its all so isolated and solitary, stoic maybe.
I once liked Sarah Palin...she seemed the underdog in a world of cynical men who just had mo better experience, but in fact she's been caught too many times unprepared making moronic statements. Yeesterday she met with Israelis and said she has many Israeli flags in her house. Is this the language of a person seeking international interest in her possible campaign to be the next president?
I realized last night I've been wiating years to be reunited with my children. At times it all felt so hopeless I became distracted or chose to think about marriage to avoid loneliness. G-d wants some people to be alone, why? Only He knows, but that's the case with me and it was a problem until I realized I was asking Him the same question over and over, getting the same answer in the form of a schlub or an abusive schlub and expecting something different. I asked for a bracha if this is the right thing to do. Too tired to write anymore...just remember Obama isn't real, he's actually
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
what, sleep?
I can't be the only person feeling like there's a onslaught of news coming at us so fast it actually has a physical feeling of being crushed, a lack of oxygen-I am both mentally and physically exhausted, and I have shelter, food and a bed to rest in, but I cant.
Since so much of what is going on is unprecedented, I dont know where to look if this is some kind of syndrome or mental health issue, but my circuits feel shorted, I feel numb, unable to absorb much more and some of the sick humor is actually making sense, that is not good.
Middle east filled with wars, Jews murdered while asleep in Israel, floods in Brazil with thousands dead andd homeless, fish and fowl found dead by the thousands all over, and Japan on the edge of nuclear catastrophe that is so large we cannot wrap our brains around the implications and how far the damage may span out. We do not know.
But what I do know is the US government is not talking to its people even less than Japanese officials and plant owners are speaking to the IAEA and the Japanese about what's really tick tocking over there. 6 nuclear plants in the same neighborhood breaking down and they were sending helicopters with water to drop on imploding nuclear facilities to cool them? Who are we kidding here?
With everything going on in Japan, why is Hillary in Egypt? Do the Egyptians not get that they are not a priority at this moment? Libya is being macerated by Khaddfi and no one has done one a thing except to suggest a no fly zone and today it was suggested its now too late for a no fly zone, Bahrain has foreign troops coming in, Saudis and Iran cracked their whips, but even and beyond this region is the possibility that an entire generation post WWII will be living with the devastating effects of nuclear radiation.
The US media is mocking citizens for hunting down potassium iodide and the president and any of his henchmen dont have time for a press conference to specifically address this matter? Its as if its not happening. All the same idiotic programs are looped in and some news channels are speaking about the crisis but also trying not to alarm the American public, but having scientists from MIT explain this is unchartered territory and if Japan has pulled its nuclear plant workers OUT from trying to do anything further because the amount of radiation is actually 167x the amount a person would experience in 12 months-does that mean its game over? Run for the hills? MIT is asking...I dont know who's listening to the questions, because there seems to be very little overt panic, except if you go online and look around for emergency supplies, then you find the survivalists websites are out of stock on stuff which should tell us that alot of people are quietly taking charge of their own lives and safety, dont trust the government to do squat if it comes down to saving them.
And what about the millions who dont have special shelters, bunkers, radiation tablets, gas masks and suits?
Japan's PM is telling citizens to stay indoors...ahhh the old-duct-tape-the-windows-with-plastic-sheeting scenario..I guess that and hold your breath for a few weeks?
It's all out of control, that's my raw nerve issue-lack of control. Its one thing when your personal stuff is chaotic but when you look around expecting the world to have some semblence of order and find its madness all over, I dont think they make a pill for that.
Or maybe they do and are saving it for when we'll really need it?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Radiation leaks
Lord I've heard every kind of comment about Japan today on television-from those christians who believe this is a sign of the world's end, a sign the Japanese had this coming to them, and finally media outlets are mentioning the run on potassium iodide tablets as Americans are expecting the wind drift to come this way and bring us some radiation.
And knowing how well organized the US government is, people are trying to protect themselves without waiting for the government to hand out pills or be told how to build a shelter.
If anyone needs information on obtaining pills (its really difficult at the moment as most venues are posting they're out of stock and waiting to receive tablets) go to this website http://www.ki4u.com/
Potassium iodide protects the thyroid which is where radiation would collect in the human body and cause damage, ultimately cancer. potassium iodide rids the body of heavy metals as well; thee correct dose is 130mg, and tablets come 14 to a packet, one a day unless government announces threat is over in less days. This level of medicine is very powerful, but it works which is why everyone is buying it as insurance.
Instructions on how to build a radiation shelter: http://www.ki4u.com/guide.pdf
It's in English, but there are diagrams, print it out, pass it on to friends and family.
And knowing how well organized the US government is, people are trying to protect themselves without waiting for the government to hand out pills or be told how to build a shelter.
If anyone needs information on obtaining pills (its really difficult at the moment as most venues are posting they're out of stock and waiting to receive tablets) go to this website http://www.ki4u.com/
Potassium iodide protects the thyroid which is where radiation would collect in the human body and cause damage, ultimately cancer. potassium iodide rids the body of heavy metals as well; thee correct dose is 130mg, and tablets come 14 to a packet, one a day unless government announces threat is over in less days. This level of medicine is very powerful, but it works which is why everyone is buying it as insurance.
Instructions on how to build a radiation shelter: http://www.ki4u.com/guide.pdf
It's in English, but there are diagrams, print it out, pass it on to friends and family.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Potassium Iodide
Potassium Iodide 130mg is used to counter the effects of radiation exposure, whether by breathing contaminated air, standing in a contaminated area. Distance makes a big difference in the level of exposure or as its called RAD level one is exposed to.
It appears no matter how much we try to put a good spin on how much water is covering the rods in three reactors or if there's enough cooling going on, or how much the rods were exposed for how long and how many explosions have happened so far...that shit is going to hit the fan, and depending on wind patterns levels of radiation will be floating around.
Radiation affects the thyroid and potassium iodide pills of 130mg are concentrated specifically to protect the thyroid from getting cancer from this exposure.
I looked around today for packets of pills, every pharmacy, Amazon, and the manufacturers are Out Of Stock. It seems people have been stocking up even before this event, but there must have been a run on the pills when this first happened. Unfortunately, the US government hasn't said a word to citizens other than to pooh pooh any concerns.
On Amazon, the 14 day pill packets that began selling early in the day were around $5., then jumped to $9 and flew up to $49 before they were listed as sold out within hours. The only thing left was lower dose potassium iodide that people use to supplement thyroid problems. But I bought a concentrated top rated quality version and had it direct shipped to my kids who likely will shelve it thinking NerVous Nelly is once again looking at the half empty glass...
I was listening as CNN described how our infrastructure all around the US is not prepared for a similar impact for earthquakes or tsunamis. Basically we're sitting ducks and I have a much better respect for the so-called 'survivalists' who stock up and dig down deep for when the apocalypse hits. Chassidim are supposed to keep a suitcase with a clean change of clothes under their beds to be ready when Moshiach will take us to eretz Israel.
I'd like to hear a bookie's odds on which one happens first.
It appears no matter how much we try to put a good spin on how much water is covering the rods in three reactors or if there's enough cooling going on, or how much the rods were exposed for how long and how many explosions have happened so far...that shit is going to hit the fan, and depending on wind patterns levels of radiation will be floating around.
Radiation affects the thyroid and potassium iodide pills of 130mg are concentrated specifically to protect the thyroid from getting cancer from this exposure.
I looked around today for packets of pills, every pharmacy, Amazon, and the manufacturers are Out Of Stock. It seems people have been stocking up even before this event, but there must have been a run on the pills when this first happened. Unfortunately, the US government hasn't said a word to citizens other than to pooh pooh any concerns.
On Amazon, the 14 day pill packets that began selling early in the day were around $5., then jumped to $9 and flew up to $49 before they were listed as sold out within hours. The only thing left was lower dose potassium iodide that people use to supplement thyroid problems. But I bought a concentrated top rated quality version and had it direct shipped to my kids who likely will shelve it thinking NerVous Nelly is once again looking at the half empty glass...
I was listening as CNN described how our infrastructure all around the US is not prepared for a similar impact for earthquakes or tsunamis. Basically we're sitting ducks and I have a much better respect for the so-called 'survivalists' who stock up and dig down deep for when the apocalypse hits. Chassidim are supposed to keep a suitcase with a clean change of clothes under their beds to be ready when Moshiach will take us to eretz Israel.
I'd like to hear a bookie's odds on which one happens first.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Itamar Murders
Some of us leftover brainwashed liberals from the '60s continue to hope beyond hope that Arabs and their Associates had turned a corner as the Middle East continues eruptions everywhere, but clearly everyone remains busier than ever finagling and positioning themselves to obliterate Israel.
I normally tend to be cynical and wanted to believe that having known people other than Israelis, that humanity can be found everywhere, but that may only be possible when we speak of Jews, the non-Jewish world has laws unto itself and frankly no matter what I read about end time, The King is here Now etc. I am very confused and continue to think the world is going mad with hate and violence or there's a point in all this I'm missing.
There's no time to recup from one tragedy before another one even worse hits. America is rushing to aid Japan, a noble gesture I'm sure. But its unclear how we decide who to help and who to ignore. I guess Libya didnt warrant assistance or starting a 3rd front seemed untenable. The WH has thrown in the towel on Iran and decided there's no way to stop Iran's clear nuclear capability so make nice and maybe they'll not blow Israel up, might as well accept the inevitable. That the IAEA inspector who plans to run for President of Egypt lied about Iran's capabilities for years, sits unpunished can be added to the list of the lies about the Libyan bomber dying of cancer released on medical mercy remains alive and returned home a hero. Syria and Iran are in business now building a warfare empire and since Israel/America would their targets, neither can do anything except consider a first strike and that would take years of discussions before being voted down.
Essentially, the US is finished. In debt to China and Saudi Arabia, our own politicians disappear when they dont want to vote on something, running away like children. We are laughed at, we are so held in contempt that countries dont even try to hide their murderous deeds anymore.
Kill Jews sleeping in their beds, parents and infants, and be called heros?
These are the people I thought had a glimmer of sanity once their despots were taken down, they would find a spark of humanity in them, the sheer relief would see them reach out and want peace...that will not happen, that will never happen. Jews remain what we were and are, Jews, hated for nothing else but for being, breathing, alive, pointed as responsible for any ills experienced by any others.
Light candles, say tehillim, do mitzvahs, give tzedakah, and increase all of the above to counteract these poisonous acts...for me, from now on there is nothing to discuss, there is nothing of concern, there are no people of interest other than Jews. The only humanity that exists is with Jews and among Jews, the worst Jew has more of G-d in him than anything lese walking on 2 legs. Finished with dreaming the great dream of global peace, believing that throwing off the mantel of being Jewish means freedom to live between non-Jews-As someone said to me in a moment of fury, "You have to choose, you can sit on the fence forever." He was right.
There is not one world, there are two. There are Jews, chosen by G-d to contain the universe with knowledge, prayer and good deeds as defined in Torah and then there's what needs containment. The amusing thing is its the 'containment' ilk thinks Jews are the problem.
There's a commercial that just began running in NY, the ad claims to be put out by The Jewish Committee of NY and asks what the organization do to help New Yorkers? Since New Yorkers live in the biggest melting pot in the world we should tell this organization what we need better accomodate welcoming tourists and making visitors comfortable.
Who the f*ck in the Jewish community decided that tourism and assisting foreign visitors is an issue Jews need to be concerned with? Tell me this is not a Chabad campaign? Tell me this is another Bloomberg project going nowhere.
Mumbai, Itamar, Crown Heights...and Peter King is being raked over the coals for asking about the cult of violence promulgated in Muslim communities.
Maybe its the non stop police sirens that now run all night Friday, Saturday until Sunday mornings...if its not fire trucks screaming and blaring their way somewhere nearby rain or shine, cops are chasing more people than they have cops to chase them. 2 men were being frisked outside my building. A neighbor ran in to tell my landlady her husband was being frisked against a police car...WTF??!! was going on she said. Oh, it was nothing, turns out he gave a ride to the handyman who works for said landlord who is known to the cops for selling stuff, known well enough to be on a first name basis and stopped frequently. The landlord had to go outside to see if this putz needed intervention with the cops patting him down and he told the police, oh, he lives here in the basement.
That would be the basement under my apartment, where I smell cigarette smoke sometimes for hours as if I was smoking myself, its so bad the cats go under the couch or bed to sleep. The putz is in the basement chain smoking. I had asked the landlord who calls me 'one of his family' where the heck the cig smoke stink is coming from...he never smelled it, cant smell it..looks at me sideways.
The world is, was and always will be filled with liars. I'm out of answers, ideas and the sooner we're all relieved of being here to watch the horrors that descend on us each day, the better it will be.
I normally tend to be cynical and wanted to believe that having known people other than Israelis, that humanity can be found everywhere, but that may only be possible when we speak of Jews, the non-Jewish world has laws unto itself and frankly no matter what I read about end time, The King is here Now etc. I am very confused and continue to think the world is going mad with hate and violence or there's a point in all this I'm missing.
There's no time to recup from one tragedy before another one even worse hits. America is rushing to aid Japan, a noble gesture I'm sure. But its unclear how we decide who to help and who to ignore. I guess Libya didnt warrant assistance or starting a 3rd front seemed untenable. The WH has thrown in the towel on Iran and decided there's no way to stop Iran's clear nuclear capability so make nice and maybe they'll not blow Israel up, might as well accept the inevitable. That the IAEA inspector who plans to run for President of Egypt lied about Iran's capabilities for years, sits unpunished can be added to the list of the lies about the Libyan bomber dying of cancer released on medical mercy remains alive and returned home a hero. Syria and Iran are in business now building a warfare empire and since Israel/America would their targets, neither can do anything except consider a first strike and that would take years of discussions before being voted down.
Essentially, the US is finished. In debt to China and Saudi Arabia, our own politicians disappear when they dont want to vote on something, running away like children. We are laughed at, we are so held in contempt that countries dont even try to hide their murderous deeds anymore.
Kill Jews sleeping in their beds, parents and infants, and be called heros?
These are the people I thought had a glimmer of sanity once their despots were taken down, they would find a spark of humanity in them, the sheer relief would see them reach out and want peace...that will not happen, that will never happen. Jews remain what we were and are, Jews, hated for nothing else but for being, breathing, alive, pointed as responsible for any ills experienced by any others.
Light candles, say tehillim, do mitzvahs, give tzedakah, and increase all of the above to counteract these poisonous acts...for me, from now on there is nothing to discuss, there is nothing of concern, there are no people of interest other than Jews. The only humanity that exists is with Jews and among Jews, the worst Jew has more of G-d in him than anything lese walking on 2 legs. Finished with dreaming the great dream of global peace, believing that throwing off the mantel of being Jewish means freedom to live between non-Jews-As someone said to me in a moment of fury, "You have to choose, you can sit on the fence forever." He was right.
There is not one world, there are two. There are Jews, chosen by G-d to contain the universe with knowledge, prayer and good deeds as defined in Torah and then there's what needs containment. The amusing thing is its the 'containment' ilk thinks Jews are the problem.
There's a commercial that just began running in NY, the ad claims to be put out by The Jewish Committee of NY and asks what the organization do to help New Yorkers? Since New Yorkers live in the biggest melting pot in the world we should tell this organization what we need better accomodate welcoming tourists and making visitors comfortable.
Who the f*ck in the Jewish community decided that tourism and assisting foreign visitors is an issue Jews need to be concerned with? Tell me this is not a Chabad campaign? Tell me this is another Bloomberg project going nowhere.
Mumbai, Itamar, Crown Heights...and Peter King is being raked over the coals for asking about the cult of violence promulgated in Muslim communities.
Maybe its the non stop police sirens that now run all night Friday, Saturday until Sunday mornings...if its not fire trucks screaming and blaring their way somewhere nearby rain or shine, cops are chasing more people than they have cops to chase them. 2 men were being frisked outside my building. A neighbor ran in to tell my landlady her husband was being frisked against a police car...WTF??!! was going on she said. Oh, it was nothing, turns out he gave a ride to the handyman who works for said landlord who is known to the cops for selling stuff, known well enough to be on a first name basis and stopped frequently. The landlord had to go outside to see if this putz needed intervention with the cops patting him down and he told the police, oh, he lives here in the basement.
That would be the basement under my apartment, where I smell cigarette smoke sometimes for hours as if I was smoking myself, its so bad the cats go under the couch or bed to sleep. The putz is in the basement chain smoking. I had asked the landlord who calls me 'one of his family' where the heck the cig smoke stink is coming from...he never smelled it, cant smell it..looks at me sideways.
The world is, was and always will be filled with liars. I'm out of answers, ideas and the sooner we're all relieved of being here to watch the horrors that descend on us each day, the better it will be.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Gen Clapper
The calls for Gen. Clapper's firing is like listening to German's after WW2 denying they knew anything. Unfortunately, we have learned alot since WW2 and not only do we have documents about the extraordinary human capacity to create monstrous violence and destruction-and then get away with it-but more recently we have lived watching Rwanda, Bosnia/Croatia, Iraq, China butcher citizens while we dithered as we ponder and contemplate minute by minute whether to help Libyans or watch Libyans die.
If Clapper is correct, and I have no doubt he is since history backs his theory of maniacal revenge, Khadaffi may be expected to annililate any breathing thing hinting of insurrection against his regime.
And for this information, the call goes out to fire him. There's not much to write here. Sometimes next week Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton will be arriving to chat with Euro and Middle Eastern government reps on Libya, maybe to again propose a no fly zone that no one can realistically enforce, sending in humanitarian aid which Khaddafi will likely consider an invasion and either impound or make lethal strike against. The US has already publically noted that we're only sending 'humanitarian aid' so maybe tents, bottled water and Tylenol will be enough for Libyans fighting for their lives, their futures and so-called democracy that the West has sold them for decades as the only true way of life.
We are either hypocrites, liars or cowards...which is it Mr. President? Or maybe its all too much for you to figure out...you and the people who installed you in the WH?
If Clapper is correct, and I have no doubt he is since history backs his theory of maniacal revenge, Khadaffi may be expected to annililate any breathing thing hinting of insurrection against his regime.
And for this information, the call goes out to fire him. There's not much to write here. Sometimes next week Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton will be arriving to chat with Euro and Middle Eastern government reps on Libya, maybe to again propose a no fly zone that no one can realistically enforce, sending in humanitarian aid which Khaddafi will likely consider an invasion and either impound or make lethal strike against. The US has already publically noted that we're only sending 'humanitarian aid' so maybe tents, bottled water and Tylenol will be enough for Libyans fighting for their lives, their futures and so-called democracy that the West has sold them for decades as the only true way of life.
We are either hypocrites, liars or cowards...which is it Mr. President? Or maybe its all too much for you to figure out...you and the people who installed you in the WH?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Fence sitting
Charlie Rose in his starched suits can be as irritating as he is brilliant, his series on The Brain is on my wish list of DVDs. However, he had a panel discussion on Libya and America's governmental/think tank/ advisories etc dithering on the what-to-do-about-Libya-situation that included Simon Weiseltier of The New Republic, whose writing I should read more often and have intentionally avoided. But tonight he was a voice on the wilderness who seemed to GET IT RIGHT. There indeed are exceptions in history when you set aside the common political paradigms because the situations at hand are so momentous that doing the right and moral thing can change the course of human history. I wrote those very words a few weeks ago to alot of hee haws that considered me misguided at best, but in fact other brainiacs are rethinking their concepts in this direction;
We are not witnessing the uprising of the islamic caliphate, we are seeing the effects of Western Education on young Middle Eastern students, whose parents spent every last centime to get them situated so they could find work and possibly escape from the despotic rulers they live under.
Never under estimate an education, but dont over estimate it either. Americans are way down on the literacy/math competency list below countries we cant even locate on a map; high school graduates have about a 9th grade reading average and entering college requires remedial work in the college so that students can just maintain their grades. In other words, the education we offer to foreign students to open their minds to other paths is the education not taken seriously in the land of the free, home of the brave.
Because this is not the islamic revolution as envisioned by Syed Qutb or Zawahiri and people are not mentioning an expiration date for Israel, rather requesting the demise of their own dictators, America which has underwritten for decades the concept of democracy as the Way for all People,the right to have a voice, to express one's self etc etc as a fundamental human right, it remains on our heads to get off the fence to assist it making history happen, successfully.
We are dithering as Libyans are dying. There is also very little English news as to what is actually going on in Egypt other than riots in Tahrir and Nasr City-the poor bourgeoise living in their Russian built apartments can look out their window balconies and see history in the making-I'm betting alot of families are being torn generationally by what's going on.
Either its all too much for American news managers to decide what to psot nightly or they think Americans cant stomach much more than wether Wisconsin is union busting and what that means for the rest of the country. My life changed via very belated unionizing where I worked, but we paid for job protection and the end of arbitrary management with pretty high union dues that were not voluntary. Unions have gone the way of all lingering despots after the intial thrill of overthrowing the power structure they replace. by installing new systems that create much the same institutional bloat with early retirement in many cases where employees are in their fifties and healthy, annual bonuses just for breathing and working, high pensions, annual COLA raises all expected by employees in contracts and written to be binding in many cases. Unionization began as a heroic means of protecting workers and turned into a means of creating a mediocrity of overpaid expectant employees in many cases, the educational system being a primary example in America.
So that we misunderstand the genuine expectation of young Middle Eastern students fed much the same literature, politics and ideas that have been presented to disinterested americans, is not too surprising. They believed the hype, we take it for granted and now are totally unprepared for what we created...the Golem of Prague comes to mind for some reason...
Simon Weseltier said the same without flying all over the place as I tend to do because my brain flit in fits of adrenaline these days that are so amazing, these times that we never thought would come to fruition, these times that even chabad said are here, the days of the Moshiach. If that is all too simplified for y'all...while this all appears to be a secular based movement free of religiosity, thereby safe for the Jews, nothing happens without the will and mercy of the Creator and needs to be seen within that context. So my constant reference to moral imperative is not from Philo 101, it is the understanding that as human beings in a now very small global community that can and does reach one another daily, to speak and be spoken with, we can affect great things with every gesture, even the single prayer said by one person in a solitary room, every act for good leads us on one road to a final destination.
Or as someone else said long ago, we can lead or be led...I pray that those people who make decisions can make some from their hearts and stop thinking things to death because every moment lost in contemplation about what to do or not means another Libyan, Egyptian, Yemeni, Iranian, Bahraini, Jordanian and ultimately Israeli's lives teeter on that fence.
We are not witnessing the uprising of the islamic caliphate, we are seeing the effects of Western Education on young Middle Eastern students, whose parents spent every last centime to get them situated so they could find work and possibly escape from the despotic rulers they live under.
Never under estimate an education, but dont over estimate it either. Americans are way down on the literacy/math competency list below countries we cant even locate on a map; high school graduates have about a 9th grade reading average and entering college requires remedial work in the college so that students can just maintain their grades. In other words, the education we offer to foreign students to open their minds to other paths is the education not taken seriously in the land of the free, home of the brave.
Because this is not the islamic revolution as envisioned by Syed Qutb or Zawahiri and people are not mentioning an expiration date for Israel, rather requesting the demise of their own dictators, America which has underwritten for decades the concept of democracy as the Way for all People,the right to have a voice, to express one's self etc etc as a fundamental human right, it remains on our heads to get off the fence to assist it making history happen, successfully.
We are dithering as Libyans are dying. There is also very little English news as to what is actually going on in Egypt other than riots in Tahrir and Nasr City-the poor bourgeoise living in their Russian built apartments can look out their window balconies and see history in the making-I'm betting alot of families are being torn generationally by what's going on.
Either its all too much for American news managers to decide what to psot nightly or they think Americans cant stomach much more than wether Wisconsin is union busting and what that means for the rest of the country. My life changed via very belated unionizing where I worked, but we paid for job protection and the end of arbitrary management with pretty high union dues that were not voluntary. Unions have gone the way of all lingering despots after the intial thrill of overthrowing the power structure they replace. by installing new systems that create much the same institutional bloat with early retirement in many cases where employees are in their fifties and healthy, annual bonuses just for breathing and working, high pensions, annual COLA raises all expected by employees in contracts and written to be binding in many cases. Unionization began as a heroic means of protecting workers and turned into a means of creating a mediocrity of overpaid expectant employees in many cases, the educational system being a primary example in America.
So that we misunderstand the genuine expectation of young Middle Eastern students fed much the same literature, politics and ideas that have been presented to disinterested americans, is not too surprising. They believed the hype, we take it for granted and now are totally unprepared for what we created...the Golem of Prague comes to mind for some reason...
Simon Weseltier said the same without flying all over the place as I tend to do because my brain flit in fits of adrenaline these days that are so amazing, these times that we never thought would come to fruition, these times that even chabad said are here, the days of the Moshiach. If that is all too simplified for y'all...while this all appears to be a secular based movement free of religiosity, thereby safe for the Jews, nothing happens without the will and mercy of the Creator and needs to be seen within that context. So my constant reference to moral imperative is not from Philo 101, it is the understanding that as human beings in a now very small global community that can and does reach one another daily, to speak and be spoken with, we can affect great things with every gesture, even the single prayer said by one person in a solitary room, every act for good leads us on one road to a final destination.
Or as someone else said long ago, we can lead or be led...I pray that those people who make decisions can make some from their hearts and stop thinking things to death because every moment lost in contemplation about what to do or not means another Libyan, Egyptian, Yemeni, Iranian, Bahraini, Jordanian and ultimately Israeli's lives teeter on that fence.
Crying child
I was at the hospital Tues for a check up and was sent for blood work. When I arrived at the lab- a small room with 2 technicians- there was a small girl inside the lab room screaming. I could see her father sitting in the chair holding her, utterly silent as the techs tried making her arm straight as she screamed. The tiny room has no table and is not at all set up in any way for children to have blood drawn. And so as the chairs filled outside in the hallway, we listened like prisoners in our own mental cells as one of us was being tortured, silent and upset. We were next, we could not intervene, though some quiet comments were made.
It was not callousness that upset me, everyone seemed upset, some more for the extra long wait as this girl was inconsolable trying to hold her arm against herself. I guess maybe white women think differently about children, their own or others. I began digging in my bag for anything to offer the tech or father to distract her. She was crying so hard she was gasping. This just went on and one, the techs, the father all focused on a tiny vein, ignoring the pleas and screams, and the first attempt went wrong as a collective cry came up, they reached for paper towels and withdrew whatever they had done. And began again to plunder their way around to get blood. The hallway was standing room only. By this time after over half an hour of listening to this girl cry and no one doing anything, I went from digging for something for her, to digging for tissues because the tears were running uncontrolled down my face. When this happens it useless to try not crying, it just keeps coming in waves. A couple of people noticed and looked at me like what a jerk and said nothing. All lower income, english as a second language-does this sound racist? its a fact of life-because where I live kids are left to scream themselves silly, they're kids! About the only thing a parent may do is give a smack and tell them to shut up. There's nothing like whacking a crying child, because they're crying and telling them to stop crying while hitting them more....you see the circle I'm sure.
Working in a university I had a number of students over the years who came in for work study and were in various states of emotional and financial distress. I learned more about my colleagues during these incidents than if I had taken a PhD in psych. I was questioned once for feeding a student about my 'relationship' with her (me, a mother of 3 daughters) and one young woman had asked if she could store her 3 shopping bags in our office storeroom, she had just become homeless and without family had no where else to ask or turn. There didnt seem to me to be a question here, these were bags of clothes, it was temporary and she was a student-and our work study student, we help her and be quiet about it, and more so, ask her what else we can do...food? pocket money? where are you sleeping?
It turned out these were not matters for anyone but student services and all they did was make mental health referrals.
This may read like a jump, but something happened last night while watching TV. You know when you cant find a word and then move on, it will come flying by when you least expect it? This is what happened, out of nowhere like it was waiting for the right opportunity I had a freakin flashback to elementary school.
I recall sexualized behavior pre-1st grade. With after school programs, day camp staff, neighbor boys, a female cousin-Decades ago it was considered normal for kids to play 'doctor or house' and touch one another.
I suddenly was aware that for me sexuality was the mamalushen but where did I learn this at such a young age? Is this something innate in girls, we flirt with boys and men to get what we need and want? Is this the normal course or was this an abberation of abuse I cant recall as my childhood remains mostly blank.
Thinking of how my mother's generation manipulated men into marriage by pregnancies or sexual blackmail, thinking of how life in the Middle East for women remains exactly this way to this day, its honestly stunning to me that this appeared to plainly and suddenly like newton's apple on my head...and of course its no news at all. Egyptians say, "P@ssy runs the world..." and Egyptian women exploited that mentality while tearing their hair and hearts out at the betrayals and grief done woman by women.
So this note began with a crying child...it may have nothing at all to do with early abuse, but somehow sexuality is involved. My mother's overt indiscretions so lacking in sexual nuance served to teach me you just do whatever is needed, to get where you gotta go. Right after my father died, she sold the apartment of antiques and moved to her mother's house in Jersey. I returned after a year in Israel, running pillar to post and went to work doing the only thing I knew, cooking. I became a 'grillman' at a luncheonette in the small town where everyone knew everyone, folks all went to the HS football games in the center of town, people got their morning paper and coffee at the luncheonette and the owner was a rotund frey Jew married to a huge blond non Jewish woman. One morning while unloading stock delivered in the back, my boss came in and pushed me into the bathroom panting and pleading with me to have sex. The type of sex he requested was the variety that President Clinton claimed is NOT sex, a type I was unfamiliar with. My concern at age 19, fatherless and penniless was keeping the hard found job. Each day he picked me up, dropped me home and my mother began hinting "J--has a crush on you I think" One day after numerous ongoing pleas from him I asked her what to do. This was the first time ever I spoke to my mother about a man in such a way. She chuckled and told me men ask for these things all the time and if that's all he wants, make him pay for it. Let him get you an apartment, pay the rent and take care of you. In short, be a whore. I trotted back to him not expecting anything and he quickly found me an lovely small apartment, increased my salary, paid my rent and said the same thing Clinton did, its not really sex. I've read and heard this same idea from Jewish men, if you dont have intercourse, you havent had sex...seems its a Talmudic concept that excuses alot of behavior.
G-d protects orphans, widows and fools...at the time I fit into 2 out of 3 categories and so after purchasing a small motorcycle, I crashed driving it to my little nest and was laid up for weeks with a crushed meniscus and no health insurance. Lots of time to read and think. Thinking as been the bane and savior of my life. It was clear that I was not my mother's child but my father's and had to find a path for my life that was not dependent on manipulation and sexual exploitation for success. I thought becoming chassidic was the answer. I probably needed some grief counseling about my father's death and sudden homelessness...yes I know what triggered all this crapola last night, I was watching as Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City-my first time seeing this really out of date series) was in Paris thinking Baryishnikov had taken her there as his lover and muse and it was all a romantic dream, love would conquer any difficulties. But it was not her place...NY was home, her base, her people. That being a script and Carrie being a fictious woman was rescued by her American man who just happened to be driving by as she was crying by a fountain, bereft and forgotten once again by the artiste she thought loved her more than his art, more than himself or at least as much as himself...isnt that how love is supposed to be? We love the other as we would want to be loved? But Love doesnt think about itself that way--ideally it works out that way, it happens because that how love works, we do 100% because we love, not for an apartment or a trip to Paris or for our rent to be paid.
I am dealing with so much physical pain, with adult children who are actively choosing now to withdraw from speaking with me. So that watching Carrie, out of place, touched a nerve. It may be that as I was searching as my father's daughter to find a place, the same crying child continues to resonate wherever I look, be it women abused in Egypt or Crown Heights, around the corner in the neighbors yard, in a lab having blood drawn, what I lack is the ability to differentiate the nuances of abuse, and frankly while it is a difficult way to live in this world, I would not change my ability to grieve so deeply. I've come to realize it is only with G-d's help I can learn how to temper and manage what feels unspeakably painful all around me. Without meaning to sound sanctimonious...it really is a hard learned lesson that has to be pounded in daily and that hammer is prayer, tehillim, learning. This must be what its like being an alcoholic, minute by minute, hour by hour..cant let your guard down, there's always a child out there crying and I always seem to be the one who hears her.
It was not callousness that upset me, everyone seemed upset, some more for the extra long wait as this girl was inconsolable trying to hold her arm against herself. I guess maybe white women think differently about children, their own or others. I began digging in my bag for anything to offer the tech or father to distract her. She was crying so hard she was gasping. This just went on and one, the techs, the father all focused on a tiny vein, ignoring the pleas and screams, and the first attempt went wrong as a collective cry came up, they reached for paper towels and withdrew whatever they had done. And began again to plunder their way around to get blood. The hallway was standing room only. By this time after over half an hour of listening to this girl cry and no one doing anything, I went from digging for something for her, to digging for tissues because the tears were running uncontrolled down my face. When this happens it useless to try not crying, it just keeps coming in waves. A couple of people noticed and looked at me like what a jerk and said nothing. All lower income, english as a second language-does this sound racist? its a fact of life-because where I live kids are left to scream themselves silly, they're kids! About the only thing a parent may do is give a smack and tell them to shut up. There's nothing like whacking a crying child, because they're crying and telling them to stop crying while hitting them more....you see the circle I'm sure.
Working in a university I had a number of students over the years who came in for work study and were in various states of emotional and financial distress. I learned more about my colleagues during these incidents than if I had taken a PhD in psych. I was questioned once for feeding a student about my 'relationship' with her (me, a mother of 3 daughters) and one young woman had asked if she could store her 3 shopping bags in our office storeroom, she had just become homeless and without family had no where else to ask or turn. There didnt seem to me to be a question here, these were bags of clothes, it was temporary and she was a student-and our work study student, we help her and be quiet about it, and more so, ask her what else we can do...food? pocket money? where are you sleeping?
It turned out these were not matters for anyone but student services and all they did was make mental health referrals.
This may read like a jump, but something happened last night while watching TV. You know when you cant find a word and then move on, it will come flying by when you least expect it? This is what happened, out of nowhere like it was waiting for the right opportunity I had a freakin flashback to elementary school.
I recall sexualized behavior pre-1st grade. With after school programs, day camp staff, neighbor boys, a female cousin-Decades ago it was considered normal for kids to play 'doctor or house' and touch one another.
I suddenly was aware that for me sexuality was the mamalushen but where did I learn this at such a young age? Is this something innate in girls, we flirt with boys and men to get what we need and want? Is this the normal course or was this an abberation of abuse I cant recall as my childhood remains mostly blank.
Thinking of how my mother's generation manipulated men into marriage by pregnancies or sexual blackmail, thinking of how life in the Middle East for women remains exactly this way to this day, its honestly stunning to me that this appeared to plainly and suddenly like newton's apple on my head...and of course its no news at all. Egyptians say, "P@ssy runs the world..." and Egyptian women exploited that mentality while tearing their hair and hearts out at the betrayals and grief done woman by women.
So this note began with a crying child...it may have nothing at all to do with early abuse, but somehow sexuality is involved. My mother's overt indiscretions so lacking in sexual nuance served to teach me you just do whatever is needed, to get where you gotta go. Right after my father died, she sold the apartment of antiques and moved to her mother's house in Jersey. I returned after a year in Israel, running pillar to post and went to work doing the only thing I knew, cooking. I became a 'grillman' at a luncheonette in the small town where everyone knew everyone, folks all went to the HS football games in the center of town, people got their morning paper and coffee at the luncheonette and the owner was a rotund frey Jew married to a huge blond non Jewish woman. One morning while unloading stock delivered in the back, my boss came in and pushed me into the bathroom panting and pleading with me to have sex. The type of sex he requested was the variety that President Clinton claimed is NOT sex, a type I was unfamiliar with. My concern at age 19, fatherless and penniless was keeping the hard found job. Each day he picked me up, dropped me home and my mother began hinting "J--has a crush on you I think" One day after numerous ongoing pleas from him I asked her what to do. This was the first time ever I spoke to my mother about a man in such a way. She chuckled and told me men ask for these things all the time and if that's all he wants, make him pay for it. Let him get you an apartment, pay the rent and take care of you. In short, be a whore. I trotted back to him not expecting anything and he quickly found me an lovely small apartment, increased my salary, paid my rent and said the same thing Clinton did, its not really sex. I've read and heard this same idea from Jewish men, if you dont have intercourse, you havent had sex...seems its a Talmudic concept that excuses alot of behavior.
G-d protects orphans, widows and fools...at the time I fit into 2 out of 3 categories and so after purchasing a small motorcycle, I crashed driving it to my little nest and was laid up for weeks with a crushed meniscus and no health insurance. Lots of time to read and think. Thinking as been the bane and savior of my life. It was clear that I was not my mother's child but my father's and had to find a path for my life that was not dependent on manipulation and sexual exploitation for success. I thought becoming chassidic was the answer. I probably needed some grief counseling about my father's death and sudden homelessness...yes I know what triggered all this crapola last night, I was watching as Carrie Bradshaw (Sex in the City-my first time seeing this really out of date series) was in Paris thinking Baryishnikov had taken her there as his lover and muse and it was all a romantic dream, love would conquer any difficulties. But it was not her place...NY was home, her base, her people. That being a script and Carrie being a fictious woman was rescued by her American man who just happened to be driving by as she was crying by a fountain, bereft and forgotten once again by the artiste she thought loved her more than his art, more than himself or at least as much as himself...isnt that how love is supposed to be? We love the other as we would want to be loved? But Love doesnt think about itself that way--ideally it works out that way, it happens because that how love works, we do 100% because we love, not for an apartment or a trip to Paris or for our rent to be paid.
I am dealing with so much physical pain, with adult children who are actively choosing now to withdraw from speaking with me. So that watching Carrie, out of place, touched a nerve. It may be that as I was searching as my father's daughter to find a place, the same crying child continues to resonate wherever I look, be it women abused in Egypt or Crown Heights, around the corner in the neighbors yard, in a lab having blood drawn, what I lack is the ability to differentiate the nuances of abuse, and frankly while it is a difficult way to live in this world, I would not change my ability to grieve so deeply. I've come to realize it is only with G-d's help I can learn how to temper and manage what feels unspeakably painful all around me. Without meaning to sound sanctimonious...it really is a hard learned lesson that has to be pounded in daily and that hammer is prayer, tehillim, learning. This must be what its like being an alcoholic, minute by minute, hour by hour..cant let your guard down, there's always a child out there crying and I always seem to be the one who hears her.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Doll (s)
eBay is a world filled with people's lives being reborn, castoff, sold and discarded. Although I fell in love with the Berenguer new born dolls, they are too expensive. There was a soft bodied 8" baby with an inquisitive look as if to ask, where did you go and why did you leave?
So for the pittance of $5. plus shipping, Pessie arrived last week without a stitch of clothing. I found an auction of mixed size clothes and another doll that I really didnt want, but there were so many clothes and blankets for less than $10 including shipping. Mushka is a big girl who is all hard plastic and I was left wondering why anyone would give a child something so uncuddley. She does nothing but sit and stare with a rather morose expression. Pessie on the other hand has the strange ability to take on different expressions.
The first night I took her to bed, during the night somehow she got moved to the side where Mr. B (large furry cat) sleeps sometimes next to my head. I tend to move alot during sleep, not to mention talking and at times laughing while asleep. But Mr. B never wakes or disturbs me, and if I happen to notice him and pet him during the night its an occasion that brings purrs from a cat who never, ever purrs. When Mr. B saw the small face staring up at him he made a strange meow that woke me and jumped off the bed. The next day when I showed the doll to the 2nd very curious cat, he sniffed Pessie up and down, licked her hand, nudged her with his head and then ignored her. No action coming from the doll, he lost interest right away.
The sole interaction between me and tiny Pessie is my holding her at night. Mushka gets dressed for shabbos, as does Pessie, and remains on the bookshelf staring into space. And that's it on the subject of dolls.
So for the pittance of $5. plus shipping, Pessie arrived last week without a stitch of clothing. I found an auction of mixed size clothes and another doll that I really didnt want, but there were so many clothes and blankets for less than $10 including shipping. Mushka is a big girl who is all hard plastic and I was left wondering why anyone would give a child something so uncuddley. She does nothing but sit and stare with a rather morose expression. Pessie on the other hand has the strange ability to take on different expressions.
The first night I took her to bed, during the night somehow she got moved to the side where Mr. B (large furry cat) sleeps sometimes next to my head. I tend to move alot during sleep, not to mention talking and at times laughing while asleep. But Mr. B never wakes or disturbs me, and if I happen to notice him and pet him during the night its an occasion that brings purrs from a cat who never, ever purrs. When Mr. B saw the small face staring up at him he made a strange meow that woke me and jumped off the bed. The next day when I showed the doll to the 2nd very curious cat, he sniffed Pessie up and down, licked her hand, nudged her with his head and then ignored her. No action coming from the doll, he lost interest right away.
The sole interaction between me and tiny Pessie is my holding her at night. Mushka gets dressed for shabbos, as does Pessie, and remains on the bookshelf staring into space. And that's it on the subject of dolls.
a looking glass no more...
While reading Alfred Kazin last night, Starting Out in the Thirties, the same coziness and familiarity, that tug returned for a world less complex although perhaps more difficult, without the technology we take for granted today. Kazin loved to walk, he traversed the entire City from the Lower East Side up to Harlem and beyond. As did Whitman. Their contact with what they saw was immediate, not diluted by an urgent cell phone ringing or text message coming through. Kazin was a son of Jewish immigrants, gifted intellectually and began writing, reviewing books at an early age. He seemed to be at the right parties and places meeting other crowds of hungry writers and busy editors needing talent. Talent was needed-there were no reservoirs of Internet files with names, work was mostly word of mouth, who you knew and how you sold yourself. That is how immigrants perceive America still.
That was the America, New York, Maryland that was my father's world-given enough moxie and drive you could sell someone a bridge in Brooklyn or blue serge suits already out of fashion in NYC. A world where ragmen with push carts called out, fruit sellers pushing wagons cried the daily wares and tenements with laundry lines and 15 people, mostly relatives shared 2 room apartments with tubs in the kitchen and a toilet down the hall.
But my unfounded recollections go further back to a world I never lived in, the world of the shtetl. For the life of me I dont know why. It was mostly hardship in the 1800-1900s for Jews in Poland, Germany, Prussia who were not in cities or who had not gentrified themselves by taking on the habits, clothes and language of their non-Jewish surroundings. The familiar for me is the small cramped apartments where only Yiddish is heard, barrels of shmaltz and pickled herring floated, pickles bobbed in different shades of green, tiny shops of haberdashers crafted black hats and tailors measured wedding kapotas. Shuls filled daily because even with a suit, Jews were not yet afraid to be Jewish and observant. Mothers fussed and cooked, fathers worked and mostly tried their best to cope with everything new and newer coming at them.
My sense of existence is and remains peripheral to that period and there's no explanation for it. It is likely the same reason some people travel to Europe or Japan and feel a sense of home or pleasure. When I was in Egypt,the majority of my time was spent in Egypt's equivalent of the Lower East Side and Helwan on a private farm. Although my mother's father farmed and raised animals for feeding his family, I don't know of any relatives who spent their lives tilling soil, schlugging chickens or milking cows.
Raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, by a successful father in the garment industry and a mother, it was a life without the smell of dank loamy soil, sour milk, closeness or familiarity. Every day meant a new day to discover how to survive the violence and fear. Nothing was the same from the time I went to bed to the next morning. The intermim periods that took place in the dark of night contained slurred speech, yelling, cursing, threats and all of which were never mentioned the following day.
If I asked, I was told no such things were said, nothing happened.
Familiar to me was money. An arguement meant money, running errands to buy cartons of Pall Mall, running to get hand packed ice cream from the Russian immigrants who never learned English, running to buy composition notebooks as my father spent his last years filling them with his life. When he died, I was almost 18 and finishing a first year at Hunter College. When he died it was time to run again, there was no place to stay in NY.
The craving for shtetl began when he taught me how to light shabbos candles, how to say amen after his borei pri ha Gefen, how to make gefilte fish. I never had this desire while watching my mother make spaghetti sauce or shrimp creole. I was pulled in one direction and not in the other. The closest to shtetl life I could find was kibbutz in Israel, but it was too soon after my father's death, there was no time to say goodbye, to mourn, no time to think except to know the money was all gone, the apartment was being closed and someone else would be living there, the furniture was sold to an antique dealer and a plane was waiting for me.
I replaced one shtetl with another when I entered Crown Heights to live among Chabad. The restlessness should have been quieted after being toiveled but the world remained as unfamiliar as ever except in dreams of something long ago and unreachable.
There is a quarter century gap in my life, where I left Crown Heights to attend college, work and the secular world of non-Jews only accentuated the distance between myself and the world I recalled and still cannot find. I returned to Crown Heights recently and suddenly, getting out of the subway, felt as if a stone had lifted off my chest, I could breathe. Nothing looked the same, only a couple of shops remained, buildings were more modern, streets more crowded and less homely, a modern shtetl seemed a peculiar place. The remnants of devoutness mingled with poverty was well hidden if there at all. Hearing only yiddish in the few hours I was there, it became clear that the tiny community I once knew had taken on the world, as the Rebbe clearly wanted, and by inviting the outside in, also had grown and modernized to make a more polished presentation of chassidus. While Jews-even Chabad-market Kabbalah to non-Jews, being shtetl in the 21st century is a disgrace and besides, whoever survived the War had passed on or now remains secluded.
I think, though even writing it, doesnt convince me, the desire to find shtetl is no different from people seeking family trees, unknown relatives, lost family. It is something like Proust's yearning, but his rememberance of his mother and mise en place was clear. Other people have an idea of who they're looking for, some names, possible locations.
So what is clear, is that whatever world I once thought I knew, the world searched for as most familiar, is long gone. It had to exist once...like a looking glass filled with blurred images I have only seen myself clearly in dreams.
That was the America, New York, Maryland that was my father's world-given enough moxie and drive you could sell someone a bridge in Brooklyn or blue serge suits already out of fashion in NYC. A world where ragmen with push carts called out, fruit sellers pushing wagons cried the daily wares and tenements with laundry lines and 15 people, mostly relatives shared 2 room apartments with tubs in the kitchen and a toilet down the hall.
But my unfounded recollections go further back to a world I never lived in, the world of the shtetl. For the life of me I dont know why. It was mostly hardship in the 1800-1900s for Jews in Poland, Germany, Prussia who were not in cities or who had not gentrified themselves by taking on the habits, clothes and language of their non-Jewish surroundings. The familiar for me is the small cramped apartments where only Yiddish is heard, barrels of shmaltz and pickled herring floated, pickles bobbed in different shades of green, tiny shops of haberdashers crafted black hats and tailors measured wedding kapotas. Shuls filled daily because even with a suit, Jews were not yet afraid to be Jewish and observant. Mothers fussed and cooked, fathers worked and mostly tried their best to cope with everything new and newer coming at them.
My sense of existence is and remains peripheral to that period and there's no explanation for it. It is likely the same reason some people travel to Europe or Japan and feel a sense of home or pleasure. When I was in Egypt,the majority of my time was spent in Egypt's equivalent of the Lower East Side and Helwan on a private farm. Although my mother's father farmed and raised animals for feeding his family, I don't know of any relatives who spent their lives tilling soil, schlugging chickens or milking cows.
Raised on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, by a successful father in the garment industry and a mother, it was a life without the smell of dank loamy soil, sour milk, closeness or familiarity. Every day meant a new day to discover how to survive the violence and fear. Nothing was the same from the time I went to bed to the next morning. The intermim periods that took place in the dark of night contained slurred speech, yelling, cursing, threats and all of which were never mentioned the following day.
If I asked, I was told no such things were said, nothing happened.
Familiar to me was money. An arguement meant money, running errands to buy cartons of Pall Mall, running to get hand packed ice cream from the Russian immigrants who never learned English, running to buy composition notebooks as my father spent his last years filling them with his life. When he died, I was almost 18 and finishing a first year at Hunter College. When he died it was time to run again, there was no place to stay in NY.
The craving for shtetl began when he taught me how to light shabbos candles, how to say amen after his borei pri ha Gefen, how to make gefilte fish. I never had this desire while watching my mother make spaghetti sauce or shrimp creole. I was pulled in one direction and not in the other. The closest to shtetl life I could find was kibbutz in Israel, but it was too soon after my father's death, there was no time to say goodbye, to mourn, no time to think except to know the money was all gone, the apartment was being closed and someone else would be living there, the furniture was sold to an antique dealer and a plane was waiting for me.
I replaced one shtetl with another when I entered Crown Heights to live among Chabad. The restlessness should have been quieted after being toiveled but the world remained as unfamiliar as ever except in dreams of something long ago and unreachable.
There is a quarter century gap in my life, where I left Crown Heights to attend college, work and the secular world of non-Jews only accentuated the distance between myself and the world I recalled and still cannot find. I returned to Crown Heights recently and suddenly, getting out of the subway, felt as if a stone had lifted off my chest, I could breathe. Nothing looked the same, only a couple of shops remained, buildings were more modern, streets more crowded and less homely, a modern shtetl seemed a peculiar place. The remnants of devoutness mingled with poverty was well hidden if there at all. Hearing only yiddish in the few hours I was there, it became clear that the tiny community I once knew had taken on the world, as the Rebbe clearly wanted, and by inviting the outside in, also had grown and modernized to make a more polished presentation of chassidus. While Jews-even Chabad-market Kabbalah to non-Jews, being shtetl in the 21st century is a disgrace and besides, whoever survived the War had passed on or now remains secluded.
I think, though even writing it, doesnt convince me, the desire to find shtetl is no different from people seeking family trees, unknown relatives, lost family. It is something like Proust's yearning, but his rememberance of his mother and mise en place was clear. Other people have an idea of who they're looking for, some names, possible locations.
So what is clear, is that whatever world I once thought I knew, the world searched for as most familiar, is long gone. It had to exist once...like a looking glass filled with blurred images I have only seen myself clearly in dreams.
Friday, March 4, 2011
daughters
Haven't been able to write much, my spine is deteriorating making sitting for long period very difficult. I was thinking how in Tehillim we read that many children can be a sign of wealth. Don't think I've read in either chumash or elsewhere about the different personalities of children...maybe in Shemos when Josef is sold by his brothers, or Cain when he buried Abel, but I was thinking about daughters. Rochel sacrificing for her bypassed sister Leah, Ruth leaving her home, family to remain with her mother n law to become a Jew...wasn't it Tamar who seduced her father so that sons would be forthcoming to redeem the Jewish people and show that her action was the Hand of G-d.
It's generally accepted that females are the backbone of Judaism, 'foundation stone' the jewel and crown and worth more than all that.
I have a daughter like this. When girls become of an age where they can make their own choices, it becomes hard for a mother to continue doing the same kind of nurturing as when they were small and needed help with everything. But in fact this child gives me more than I could ever give her. She never withholds love or a kind word, I think this is her way with everyone. She's not a pushover or stupid, she is aidel by nature-she was a birth and has remained so despite years of family hardship, years of trying to put the past behind her and not become bitter, cynical or playing victim with an expectation anyone owes her something...
G-d blessed this child with beauty inside and out. Although she has beautiful sisters (I got lucky) this young woman's gentleness makes her glow like a diamond between pearls.
I ask alot of G-d...and He's been most patient and generous with me, although I'm a stubborn arrogant frightened person most of the time with layers of armor from years of parental damage. For all that I've asked for, I never asked for children in the sense of simply wanting children-each pregnancy was a surprise, a joy that I could have a little life budding inside, that I could actually have a function in this world that was useful and productive-I could finish something-an act my mother insisted never happened in my life, finished nothing she often said.
And here came this child...the love for her was and always remained so painfully deep that years of separation I would dream of her. Once she was running in her nightgown, I picked her up and she was crying, I felt her tears, wet on her cheek while I was sleeping. I've dreamed of her when she was in trouble, physically or emotionally.
There are moments when I think, there is nothing in this world I need anymore, really there is nothing. I wrote, studied, traveled, worked had amazing children and I loved once, the kind of love where you cannot feel your feet touching earth when you walk next to him, a love you think could never be touched by the outside world, never destroyed, never ending. But of course it did end and had nothing to do with children until one day another woman showed up carrying his child. But that's another story altogether.
I want to spare this child, my daughter, pain but help her learn how to live and experience so much beauty in the world-that beauty which is possible inspite of the selfishness and cruelties humans do to one another, but I see all you can do after a while is love long distance. If I'm really blessed and G-d hears this last request for a final favor, maybe I can live closer to her before I pass away. And if that does not happen, I've come to accept that she is out there, the most beautiful rose, a perfect jewel that I pray one day someone will see, gather up to his heart and protect her always.
It's generally accepted that females are the backbone of Judaism, 'foundation stone' the jewel and crown and worth more than all that.
I have a daughter like this. When girls become of an age where they can make their own choices, it becomes hard for a mother to continue doing the same kind of nurturing as when they were small and needed help with everything. But in fact this child gives me more than I could ever give her. She never withholds love or a kind word, I think this is her way with everyone. She's not a pushover or stupid, she is aidel by nature-she was a birth and has remained so despite years of family hardship, years of trying to put the past behind her and not become bitter, cynical or playing victim with an expectation anyone owes her something...
G-d blessed this child with beauty inside and out. Although she has beautiful sisters (I got lucky) this young woman's gentleness makes her glow like a diamond between pearls.
I ask alot of G-d...and He's been most patient and generous with me, although I'm a stubborn arrogant frightened person most of the time with layers of armor from years of parental damage. For all that I've asked for, I never asked for children in the sense of simply wanting children-each pregnancy was a surprise, a joy that I could have a little life budding inside, that I could actually have a function in this world that was useful and productive-I could finish something-an act my mother insisted never happened in my life, finished nothing she often said.
And here came this child...the love for her was and always remained so painfully deep that years of separation I would dream of her. Once she was running in her nightgown, I picked her up and she was crying, I felt her tears, wet on her cheek while I was sleeping. I've dreamed of her when she was in trouble, physically or emotionally.
There are moments when I think, there is nothing in this world I need anymore, really there is nothing. I wrote, studied, traveled, worked had amazing children and I loved once, the kind of love where you cannot feel your feet touching earth when you walk next to him, a love you think could never be touched by the outside world, never destroyed, never ending. But of course it did end and had nothing to do with children until one day another woman showed up carrying his child. But that's another story altogether.
I want to spare this child, my daughter, pain but help her learn how to live and experience so much beauty in the world-that beauty which is possible inspite of the selfishness and cruelties humans do to one another, but I see all you can do after a while is love long distance. If I'm really blessed and G-d hears this last request for a final favor, maybe I can live closer to her before I pass away. And if that does not happen, I've come to accept that she is out there, the most beautiful rose, a perfect jewel that I pray one day someone will see, gather up to his heart and protect her always.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)