It's been many years since the feeling of adrenaline has flowed in my veins, many years. Like most American Boomers I grew up on the periphery of wars, there was never a time without war. As an East Coast person who spent time among evolved-intellectual-liberal-minded folk, I did not know a family who had lost a son who fought in any wars, but did know some who's sons went to Canada until the draft was optional. When we took to the streets of Washington under the cover of protesting the Vietnam war, it was a cry against moral vacuity-our own, though we didnt recognize it then and the government. Some would call it Imperialism, Colonialism...the Ism's evolved into Feminism, Sexism, Post Modernism, Multiculturalism until finally the Age of Adulthood came to take us into college, work, marriage, Life. Our elders chuckled knowingly, comfortably watching most of us go through the spasms of mini-revolts from our families, religion, communities and conventions by growing hair where ever possible, smoking anything we could roll or tuck into a pipe and making denim the uniform of the Boomer outlaw. Every generation bucks against the previous one, needs to reinvent the traditions it rails against, the script always seemed cyclical, expected...eventually it all settles into place, calms down, this is a given, a known fact.
We have been seeing in recent weeks that while the United States and alot of Europe went through decades of upheaval that whatever grief we claimed as unbearable for our bourgeoise lives could not begin to compare to that being endured day by day, year after year in Africa and the Middle East.
Although Mr. Obama is being skewered for belated reactions as history moves faster than America can respond to it, there are no scripts now to follow. The old paradigms of fanaticism rushing into a political vacuum are proving false. As each Mid East regime falls, the US government continues holding its collective breath, unable to know whether its time to publically condemn or tentatively offer support or remain silent. We continue to worry that taking a public stance will infuriate or insult the Saudis or the Chinese, oil may be turned off (it's already at $100 a barrel and the earth hasn't stood still), in short the American government is at an intellectual stand still. They are trying to respond to the revolutions in the Middle East using a Cold War script.
Even sadder is watching the old guard Sixties Socialists who thought they finally made it to the White House and would show Americans a New World Economic Order. In the midst of their 'revolutionizing' American healthcare and other social mores, they're suddenly caught unprepared for a global upheaval that is demanding rights that are not of a socialist nature, but the very Capitalism that was condemned by Sixties liberals.
I said early on this isn't about religion. What we see on posters carried by young Libyans is not antisemitism but rather a result of ignorance, lives censored, words spoken without knowledge of any 'others' than the propaganda fed to them since infancy. And this goes for Egyptians and everyone across the region. Despite tourism, there is very little actual contact between the 'street' and Americans and much of that involved illicit activities.
Anticipating a rush to power by al Qaeda, the Brotherhood, tribes is no longer a viable excuse by the American government to remain silent.
America should not be looking at Ronald Reagan as its model in creating a new dialogue as history unfolds. We have already lost the moment when we might have said we are one with the citizens fighting for their lives in Cairo, Benghazi, Tunisia and Saana. We sacrificed the opportunity to stand up and speak the truth early on with pathetic finger wagging. We can look to leaders in our own history who led us back to a moral high road (Abe Lincoln), and from there offer our wealth and guidance to people who are extending their own hands asking for our help. We have a moral strength unlike any other nation and by sheer will can offer the means to educate peoples in work, food and shelter. Americans were taught that 'Third World Countries' contained unwashed masses who are so passive and illiterate they couldnt find their way out of a paper bag, not to consider organizing a revolution. Libyans haven't even waited for the Tent Dweller to leave, they've selected an interim leader and are organizing their future. Tunisians set up stations with food and water as fleeing Libyans came in droves across the border. We do not have to teach people how to be human, this is the obnoxious paternalism that America is hated for. People know how to care for one another. What we ARE needed for is helping people living under dictatorships to free themselves and begin their lives, as they wish, be it capitalism, democracy in whatever form suits their tradition and culture.
The billions we spend on stolen and fake contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan could well be redirected for good purposes inside the US and for other countries-but that's a different script, one meant for a global community not based on hegemony.
It takes adrenaline to recognize what is happening, what needs to be done, adrenaline to see the truth, adrenaline to feel the passion of genuine liberation...one can only pray that the American government can find enough adrenaline in time to do the right things before history passes us by and we're left discussing what we could have done on the evening news.
Chassidisha maydel leaves klal,does tschuvah returns after quarter century in goyische velt. Ous yid ken men vern-ous khusid ken men nisht vern
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Disbelief
Khaddafi appeared today, Friday, after Muslim prayers and people in Tripoli were fired on as they left the mosques. He appeared surrounded by machine gun toting protectors and told those in Green Square to sing and dance, celebrate their freedoms, they are free and he, Khaddafi is one of them, a man of the people.
I go to sleep unable to rest, I wake holding my breath waiting to hear he has been taken care of by someone close by who understands, its over. Are they all drugged? The drug of choice by tent dwellers, camel riders and tribal folk is 'qat' a chewable hallucinogen grown in Yemen...
G-d help the Libyans, protect their assets so the madman does not destroy their future economic ability to survive, protect the people who are also unable to rest and holding their breath behind closed doors...waiting for good news.
I go to sleep unable to rest, I wake holding my breath waiting to hear he has been taken care of by someone close by who understands, its over. Are they all drugged? The drug of choice by tent dwellers, camel riders and tribal folk is 'qat' a chewable hallucinogen grown in Yemen...
G-d help the Libyans, protect their assets so the madman does not destroy their future economic ability to survive, protect the people who are also unable to rest and holding their breath behind closed doors...waiting for good news.
Sins of the parents
May their names be erased, look at Saddam's sons, look at Khaddafi's sons...I was talking to someone online last night about what happens to our children when they are not raised on 'the derech'-the right path-for Jews, it is the path of Torah observance. She said to me, and she is someone respected in her community as having a successful family, shomer shabbos, good kids...that things happen you can never anticipate for your children. Why Bad Things Happen to Good People theory that was put together a decades ago, by a rabbi I think, to explain why we cannot look and assume that what we see is 'good' or 'bad' or indeed a punishment for bad parenting.
On a larger much larger scale, what I want to write here,that has me torn up and grieving for Libyans; is watching people trying to live under the irrational, delusional world of a man who either is mentally incompetent and does not realize it, or deliberately maniacal and certifiably insane. And does it even matter now when wholesale slaughter goes on, not even in the name of anything except Ruler wants to remain in power.
And an army is not enough, you need an army to spy on your army...as the Green Constitution states, any soldier refusing orders from superiors will be executed. So the father has his armies, the sons have their own military forces who are chasing down defectors from the father's military who are refusing to slaughter their own people. Green or Yellow all depots handbooks seem to have the same text.
The Tent Dweller announced today that hallucenogenics were being put into the coffee of the young men of Libya, causing them to riot and be confused. He called up a radio station, he must have missed his taxi ride on to the national broadcasting studio or had his driver executed earlier in the day.
Saif Khaddfi went on TV to announce that the main city of Tripoli was functioning normally, all is right with the world.
16-17 years old Sudenese mercenaries given klatchnikofs. Libyan soldiers bound and tied are executed by mercenery boys with these ancient guns because they wont murder their own people.
What does Mr Obama need to start a fire in his heart? Does he have a heart? Does it work? Is he so focused on 2012 or gay rights to bolster his campaign that the most important region on earth is being destroyed while being reborn as a phoenix of hope. American talking heads sit each night and ponder between themselves whether we should worry about the Brotherhood, Taliban, Pakistan, inserting themselves into political gaps left from dictator removals. *Post note, this was written evening 2.24 and I didnt realize Mr. & Mrs. Obama were celebrating black history month with a gala concert celebrating Motown while Middle East citizens are calling up US TV stations asking if anyone can hear what is going on? Does anyone realize they are about to die.
I made a decision this evening to simply not place blame on Mr. Obama-his incompetenecy, lack of bedside manner, inability to perform fireside chats in rallying the country regarding the financial debacle even he doesnt understand, or being unable to speak out without a script.
That is why he is silent or meely mouthed-there's no script for what's happening. He clearly understands Motown this pretender to the throne in the Washington. He doesnt want to be heard saying political from his heart, something passionate or moral, taking a chance as Kennedy said of Berlin, "Ich bin ein Berliner" speaking for all Americans as we watched the pain of families separated by a wall and check points.
There are remedies for madness. The problem with mental illness and religions, be it Islam or Judaism, is that illness is regarded as a sign of spiritual illness manifesting in physical terms. So shrinks and meds are not acceptable by old school standards- in short, say more prayers, ask for a refuah shaleyma, give tzedakah and accept G-d has his plans.
The larger issue is when the individual's madness effects the greater good. So as America is afflicted with bombers, homegrown suicide missions for thrill, from despair, from losing home or job, from political beliefs, what then is the responsibility of those close by such as family, friends, doctors, neighbors or in the case of Libya,the men in charge behind the curtains controlling the Mad Wizard of Oz-if they will not act to end his regime, they have the same blood on their hands. In the democracies that have hailed a call to these regimes to allow citizens their right to assemble and speak who have collaborated with these regimes to benefit America, either for oil, for products or political expediency, every death by these regimes is blood on America's government.
Islam is filled with ironies-there is retribution for acts committed outside the accepted norms of a tribe. You steal, your hand is cut off and you must repay the victim of your theft. But hadith notes that a madman cannot be held responsible for his actions, a madmen cannot be a witness, but clearly in Islamic regimes being 'mad' means covering yourself with excuses while you do as you like. It does not begin with rulers, it begins with religious text being distorted, giving men the power to abuse everyone around them, male and female, to militaries, police, husbands, boys toward their sisters, mothers...
Muslims must stop accepting violence as inherent to their lives, faith and culture, it is not necessary to their survival...for the all horrors Egyptians suffered, they chose liberation using mainly peaceful means. Hopefully they and the rest of the region can rethink faith and life peacefully.
On a larger much larger scale, what I want to write here,that has me torn up and grieving for Libyans; is watching people trying to live under the irrational, delusional world of a man who either is mentally incompetent and does not realize it, or deliberately maniacal and certifiably insane. And does it even matter now when wholesale slaughter goes on, not even in the name of anything except Ruler wants to remain in power.
And an army is not enough, you need an army to spy on your army...as the Green Constitution states, any soldier refusing orders from superiors will be executed. So the father has his armies, the sons have their own military forces who are chasing down defectors from the father's military who are refusing to slaughter their own people. Green or Yellow all depots handbooks seem to have the same text.
The Tent Dweller announced today that hallucenogenics were being put into the coffee of the young men of Libya, causing them to riot and be confused. He called up a radio station, he must have missed his taxi ride on to the national broadcasting studio or had his driver executed earlier in the day.
Saif Khaddfi went on TV to announce that the main city of Tripoli was functioning normally, all is right with the world.
16-17 years old Sudenese mercenaries given klatchnikofs. Libyan soldiers bound and tied are executed by mercenery boys with these ancient guns because they wont murder their own people.
What does Mr Obama need to start a fire in his heart? Does he have a heart? Does it work? Is he so focused on 2012 or gay rights to bolster his campaign that the most important region on earth is being destroyed while being reborn as a phoenix of hope. American talking heads sit each night and ponder between themselves whether we should worry about the Brotherhood, Taliban, Pakistan, inserting themselves into political gaps left from dictator removals. *Post note, this was written evening 2.24 and I didnt realize Mr. & Mrs. Obama were celebrating black history month with a gala concert celebrating Motown while Middle East citizens are calling up US TV stations asking if anyone can hear what is going on? Does anyone realize they are about to die.
I made a decision this evening to simply not place blame on Mr. Obama-his incompetenecy, lack of bedside manner, inability to perform fireside chats in rallying the country regarding the financial debacle even he doesnt understand, or being unable to speak out without a script.
That is why he is silent or meely mouthed-there's no script for what's happening. He clearly understands Motown this pretender to the throne in the Washington. He doesnt want to be heard saying political from his heart, something passionate or moral, taking a chance as Kennedy said of Berlin, "Ich bin ein Berliner" speaking for all Americans as we watched the pain of families separated by a wall and check points.
There are remedies for madness. The problem with mental illness and religions, be it Islam or Judaism, is that illness is regarded as a sign of spiritual illness manifesting in physical terms. So shrinks and meds are not acceptable by old school standards- in short, say more prayers, ask for a refuah shaleyma, give tzedakah and accept G-d has his plans.
The larger issue is when the individual's madness effects the greater good. So as America is afflicted with bombers, homegrown suicide missions for thrill, from despair, from losing home or job, from political beliefs, what then is the responsibility of those close by such as family, friends, doctors, neighbors or in the case of Libya,the men in charge behind the curtains controlling the Mad Wizard of Oz-if they will not act to end his regime, they have the same blood on their hands. In the democracies that have hailed a call to these regimes to allow citizens their right to assemble and speak who have collaborated with these regimes to benefit America, either for oil, for products or political expediency, every death by these regimes is blood on America's government.
Islam is filled with ironies-there is retribution for acts committed outside the accepted norms of a tribe. You steal, your hand is cut off and you must repay the victim of your theft. But hadith notes that a madman cannot be held responsible for his actions, a madmen cannot be a witness, but clearly in Islamic regimes being 'mad' means covering yourself with excuses while you do as you like. It does not begin with rulers, it begins with religious text being distorted, giving men the power to abuse everyone around them, male and female, to militaries, police, husbands, boys toward their sisters, mothers...
Muslims must stop accepting violence as inherent to their lives, faith and culture, it is not necessary to their survival...for the all horrors Egyptians suffered, they chose liberation using mainly peaceful means. Hopefully they and the rest of the region can rethink faith and life peacefully.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The World as backdrop
Maybe it's me...my sense of being on a roller coaster watching as the Arab/Africa world is throwing its shackles off or to paraphrase one Libiyan, 'fear was faced and is no more.'
In regard to Libya, American officials continue to mumble meely-mouthed statements about not acceptable to bomb civilians, being held acountable...all weak kneed statements. Of course those of us back seat drivers dont know what's going on behind the scenes or closed doors, but somehow the US managed to speak up about Mubarak...is it oil and the $100 a barrel problem that's holding us back from once again taking the moral high road? Is it fear that the maniacal Tent Dweller will resort to using chemicals as had been done previously by other regimes? Last night Anderson Cooper was discussing how American were expected within 6 hours to be at the coast for ferry pickup; flights could not get to the airport, there was no way to coordinate land evacuation and he summed up the situation as "people have to decide for themselves if its safe to go into the street and make it to the departure location" That's very reassuring. Cooper put it into context, the US embassy only has about 35 people who had to get out. How disengenuous. We've known for decades the ticking bomb Tent Dweller is and remained there without a menu of evacuation plans? I guess not.
You have a people, quite different in temperment than Egyptians, but we are seeing a similar human intelligence, a sense of ethic and morality and as noted by others today, al Qaeda has no foothold, is pathetically obsolete as one population after another is demanding freedom, not a different form of spiritual, emotional and physical enslavement.
The dynamics of Islam and cultural/tribal traditions almost require a perpetuation of behaviors the West looks at askance i.e. the role and treatment of women. I know where from I write, dont assume my comments are made lightly or from bias.
That said, the cries for democracy in Arab countries cannot be actualized if the manner of how Islam is practiced is not brought into the 21st century. You cannot have 15th century sharia law existing in a democratized society; I disagree that Turkey is a model for the Islamic world, the tightrope walked by the religious and the military is very tight, almost abnormal...like pushing a round peg into a square hole, insisting it fits, it fits.
As a side note, its a hoot reading that the Iranian Mussolini is making announcements that Arab governments must heed their people's calls for reform. Iran is so sh*t faced scared that the lack of terror, the desire for freedom will hit its shores and its own young people will decide, death or liberation, we're done with this and with you.
So the world as backdrop had me thinking as I watch American television and have to keep looking, digging around the channels for news on Libya, Bahrain, Yemen...its almost as if the programming honchos have made the decision that one televised revolution (Egypt) was enough for Americans, its back to the usual mindless myriad of repeat shows with vulgar sexualized behaviors of every kind, broken families, cop shows and most fascinating are people who hoard or drug users. Watching hoarders who exist in homes overloaded with stuff they cannot use, often with filth, garbage, vermin or just so much s.t.u.f.f. while people are being murdered for the simple right of being able to watch a television that is not censored or buy something to eat that is more than bread & fuul.
There is such imbalance in the world...for all the attempts by some Americans to send donations or have empathy for 3rd world countries, it is impossible to know what it means to live in a hovel without sewage removal, without consistent electricity, clean water, food as needed, lives without remedy for injustice and police abuse, genuine medical care for illnesses other than gentian violet or zinc ointment (Egypt are you listening???) and to live without retribution when one asks for corrections of these inhumane lifestyles.
Maybe we need to ask, in the United States, as these revolutions are birthing new civilizations, what are the baselines for which human beings should be allowed to live? And why are American citizens being pushed to donate, donate donate to every place around the world as the American government simultaneously gives billions in aid to very regimes who have brought all this destruction onto the global community?
Since China now owns too much of the US, it will be interesting to see how the revolution there unfolds and how much of a muzzle the lapdogs of the world will have to wear as the Chinese are slaughtered to keep them in line.
I still haven't made my point which was going to be the juxtaposition of atching television-CNN/Piers Morgan-providing a perfunctory update on the Libyan revolution, then quickly switching to a scheduled interview of 85 year old Hugh Hefner and his 20 something bride to be about their upcoming marriage. When a giggling inarticulate girl, 50+ years younger than a man whose dick doesnt function without Viagra, who gets off watching multiple women do each other in his bed, is asked why she is marrying a man so much older...it's a human moment of such obscene proportions one questions reality or sanity. She's whoring for money...not unlike the US whoring for oil...its hard to put such romance into words.
In regard to Libya, American officials continue to mumble meely-mouthed statements about not acceptable to bomb civilians, being held acountable...all weak kneed statements. Of course those of us back seat drivers dont know what's going on behind the scenes or closed doors, but somehow the US managed to speak up about Mubarak...is it oil and the $100 a barrel problem that's holding us back from once again taking the moral high road? Is it fear that the maniacal Tent Dweller will resort to using chemicals as had been done previously by other regimes? Last night Anderson Cooper was discussing how American were expected within 6 hours to be at the coast for ferry pickup; flights could not get to the airport, there was no way to coordinate land evacuation and he summed up the situation as "people have to decide for themselves if its safe to go into the street and make it to the departure location" That's very reassuring. Cooper put it into context, the US embassy only has about 35 people who had to get out. How disengenuous. We've known for decades the ticking bomb Tent Dweller is and remained there without a menu of evacuation plans? I guess not.
You have a people, quite different in temperment than Egyptians, but we are seeing a similar human intelligence, a sense of ethic and morality and as noted by others today, al Qaeda has no foothold, is pathetically obsolete as one population after another is demanding freedom, not a different form of spiritual, emotional and physical enslavement.
The dynamics of Islam and cultural/tribal traditions almost require a perpetuation of behaviors the West looks at askance i.e. the role and treatment of women. I know where from I write, dont assume my comments are made lightly or from bias.
That said, the cries for democracy in Arab countries cannot be actualized if the manner of how Islam is practiced is not brought into the 21st century. You cannot have 15th century sharia law existing in a democratized society; I disagree that Turkey is a model for the Islamic world, the tightrope walked by the religious and the military is very tight, almost abnormal...like pushing a round peg into a square hole, insisting it fits, it fits.
As a side note, its a hoot reading that the Iranian Mussolini is making announcements that Arab governments must heed their people's calls for reform. Iran is so sh*t faced scared that the lack of terror, the desire for freedom will hit its shores and its own young people will decide, death or liberation, we're done with this and with you.
So the world as backdrop had me thinking as I watch American television and have to keep looking, digging around the channels for news on Libya, Bahrain, Yemen...its almost as if the programming honchos have made the decision that one televised revolution (Egypt) was enough for Americans, its back to the usual mindless myriad of repeat shows with vulgar sexualized behaviors of every kind, broken families, cop shows and most fascinating are people who hoard or drug users. Watching hoarders who exist in homes overloaded with stuff they cannot use, often with filth, garbage, vermin or just so much s.t.u.f.f. while people are being murdered for the simple right of being able to watch a television that is not censored or buy something to eat that is more than bread & fuul.
There is such imbalance in the world...for all the attempts by some Americans to send donations or have empathy for 3rd world countries, it is impossible to know what it means to live in a hovel without sewage removal, without consistent electricity, clean water, food as needed, lives without remedy for injustice and police abuse, genuine medical care for illnesses other than gentian violet or zinc ointment (Egypt are you listening???) and to live without retribution when one asks for corrections of these inhumane lifestyles.
Maybe we need to ask, in the United States, as these revolutions are birthing new civilizations, what are the baselines for which human beings should be allowed to live? And why are American citizens being pushed to donate, donate donate to every place around the world as the American government simultaneously gives billions in aid to very regimes who have brought all this destruction onto the global community?
Since China now owns too much of the US, it will be interesting to see how the revolution there unfolds and how much of a muzzle the lapdogs of the world will have to wear as the Chinese are slaughtered to keep them in line.
I still haven't made my point which was going to be the juxtaposition of atching television-CNN/Piers Morgan-providing a perfunctory update on the Libyan revolution, then quickly switching to a scheduled interview of 85 year old Hugh Hefner and his 20 something bride to be about their upcoming marriage. When a giggling inarticulate girl, 50+ years younger than a man whose dick doesnt function without Viagra, who gets off watching multiple women do each other in his bed, is asked why she is marrying a man so much older...it's a human moment of such obscene proportions one questions reality or sanity. She's whoring for money...not unlike the US whoring for oil...its hard to put such romance into words.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Power of No
On the wings of Egypt's successful soar to freedom, Libya experiences acts of conscience the world might never have anticipated. While Egypt welcomes it's first visit by a foreign government, Cameron of UK, they have responsibily frozen all assets within Egypt belonging to the Mubarak family-and that is a vast empire built on patronage, bribes and extending far beyond family. Police are being arrested-in many cases for their own protection likely to avoid retribution by citizens they beat and tortured.
Mr. Obama, Hillary Clinton et al remain oddly silent post Egypt, as unprecedented history unfolds in a part of the world every person cherishes, no matter their religion. Egyptians were the first to stand up and say No-no more lies, torture, thieving, ignoring us for your own gains. No more taking billions to avoid war and tucking that money into family pockets instead of building our country.
In Libya Khaddafi removed himself from public view, and let his son speak for him. He sent planes up to shoot at his protesting citizens, a 7 year old child was shot in the head among the hundreds who were murdered by their own government, because they are asking for a change of leadership, No more living in terror, afraid to speak never knowing who is a spy, who will report back, No more mysterious disappearances of sons, fathers, brothers, professiors who are never seen again. No more leadership from a tent-Khaddafi you are so corrupted by wealth, saturated in obscenity, we ask you to leave, and like Mubarak-take your son with you.
Khaddafi/his son warned there would be 'rivers of blood' flowing and a civil war will ensure if protests do not end, immediately. After the military shot and killed, wounded hundreds of citizens who stood unarmed, many trying to speak to the end of a gun barrel, asking their fellow soldiers to think before killing their own people, finally the military began to turn away. The Libyan police, military and now the Air Force are turning against the government or fleeing their positions. Like in Egypt military positions that made them the most elite people in their homeland. Knowing they will risk their lives by turning against the dictator, possible revenge by citizens, they are choosing to say No, it is enough.
But most remarkable are Libyan Air Force pilots who defected to Malta around dawn Monday morning. Sent up with planes, loaded with bombs-bullets for strafing had not convinced protestors to get back to work and shut up-Khaddafi was preparing to bomb his own people, the people he so cherishes he resides in a tent to remind everyone he is a man of the people, simple, humble...a fellow tribesman. In an act of conscience, this elite group of pilots said No, we cannot murder our own brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, families, the poor, the unemployed, the illiterate, the intellectuals...we are saying No because no manner of wealth, special priviledge is enough in front of G-d to justify such murders that our rivers will flow red with the blood of our people, we say No.
Bahrain has announced the cancellation of its Gran Prix race for this year. Bahrain has been a magnet for architects who cant find commissions in the Unted States and accepting filthy lucre is not an issue for them. Architects creating floating islands with immense mostrously ugly buildings built for Arab investors, many of which now sit empty. Bahrain has been so focused on upgrading its tourist image, that somehow the needs of average citizens for quality educations, jobs and ending human trafficking were ignored. Protestors are following Egyptians example of peaceful rejection of the status quo and saying No-there is nothing left to negotiate, No to the current government, No to living under false pretense, your sultan-illusions of granduer where 'sultans' seem to be everywhere enjoying a menu of Western obscenities in hotels built for their private enjoyments, No more.
While Jews of the world are in the right place, at the right time, often for reasons only G-d knows, we are to be positive and find a Yes to our circumstances, whatever they may be. Because Jews are blessed with souls that inherently have the power to make choices of conscience, every moment of every day-
How extraordinary that in every corner of the Arab world coming to fruition is a communal desire to exercise conscience, to stand up and say No-that No being a regional first step in learning to say Yes-for existing in peace with all people
Mr. Obama, Hillary Clinton et al remain oddly silent post Egypt, as unprecedented history unfolds in a part of the world every person cherishes, no matter their religion. Egyptians were the first to stand up and say No-no more lies, torture, thieving, ignoring us for your own gains. No more taking billions to avoid war and tucking that money into family pockets instead of building our country.
In Libya Khaddafi removed himself from public view, and let his son speak for him. He sent planes up to shoot at his protesting citizens, a 7 year old child was shot in the head among the hundreds who were murdered by their own government, because they are asking for a change of leadership, No more living in terror, afraid to speak never knowing who is a spy, who will report back, No more mysterious disappearances of sons, fathers, brothers, professiors who are never seen again. No more leadership from a tent-Khaddafi you are so corrupted by wealth, saturated in obscenity, we ask you to leave, and like Mubarak-take your son with you.
Khaddafi/his son warned there would be 'rivers of blood' flowing and a civil war will ensure if protests do not end, immediately. After the military shot and killed, wounded hundreds of citizens who stood unarmed, many trying to speak to the end of a gun barrel, asking their fellow soldiers to think before killing their own people, finally the military began to turn away. The Libyan police, military and now the Air Force are turning against the government or fleeing their positions. Like in Egypt military positions that made them the most elite people in their homeland. Knowing they will risk their lives by turning against the dictator, possible revenge by citizens, they are choosing to say No, it is enough.
But most remarkable are Libyan Air Force pilots who defected to Malta around dawn Monday morning. Sent up with planes, loaded with bombs-bullets for strafing had not convinced protestors to get back to work and shut up-Khaddafi was preparing to bomb his own people, the people he so cherishes he resides in a tent to remind everyone he is a man of the people, simple, humble...a fellow tribesman. In an act of conscience, this elite group of pilots said No, we cannot murder our own brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, families, the poor, the unemployed, the illiterate, the intellectuals...we are saying No because no manner of wealth, special priviledge is enough in front of G-d to justify such murders that our rivers will flow red with the blood of our people, we say No.
Bahrain has announced the cancellation of its Gran Prix race for this year. Bahrain has been a magnet for architects who cant find commissions in the Unted States and accepting filthy lucre is not an issue for them. Architects creating floating islands with immense mostrously ugly buildings built for Arab investors, many of which now sit empty. Bahrain has been so focused on upgrading its tourist image, that somehow the needs of average citizens for quality educations, jobs and ending human trafficking were ignored. Protestors are following Egyptians example of peaceful rejection of the status quo and saying No-there is nothing left to negotiate, No to the current government, No to living under false pretense, your sultan-illusions of granduer where 'sultans' seem to be everywhere enjoying a menu of Western obscenities in hotels built for their private enjoyments, No more.
While Jews of the world are in the right place, at the right time, often for reasons only G-d knows, we are to be positive and find a Yes to our circumstances, whatever they may be. Because Jews are blessed with souls that inherently have the power to make choices of conscience, every moment of every day-
How extraordinary that in every corner of the Arab world coming to fruition is a communal desire to exercise conscience, to stand up and say No-that No being a regional first step in learning to say Yes-for existing in peace with all people
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Full Moon, Lightening, Spring Cleaning
Thursday sudden lightening storm, unexpected rain. The winds started. All night winds swirled, banged the older glass panes, unnerved both cats. Mr. B doesnt even try to hide during these 'crises' he just looks for me and stays close.
The neighbors are moving-no one is supposed to know because landlord doesnt want his office manager pushing her way in there, so with them packing and friends and relatives coming around to pick up whatever and say goodbye, its Penn Station Flea Market with foot traffic and furniture banging on the way down the stairs. BeauGhetto.
I've had these guys since they were kittens, so no accounting for their shaky nerves...except I was working and out for 12 hrs a day until this past year and we had alot of physical changes going on with construction noises, so maybe that's it. The smaller (!) cat, I have to stop calling him the 'smaller' cat because he's become so wide and heavy. He rolls around, oblivious to his girth. This isn't a problem unless he's perched somewhere, which is at least once a day. He like to lie down someplace precarious, turn himself upside down and glance around-the world is upside down. Its not the same as when he sleeps belly up, feet curled. When napping he finds a quiet secure spot and conks out, eventually rolling onto his back, curling his toes, often twitching in bliss, sometimes even mewing in his sleep. He only makes noise in his sleep when stressed out-if Mr. B has been chasing or whacking him aggressively, Bootee seeks some soul soothing activities. One favorite is humping my leg that has a blanket on it. This is a sure way to tick off Mr. B who comes sniffing around later...both of them sniff each other's behinds. Maybe I should read up on cat behaviour instead of playing cat shrink. This apartment is so small, I might have mentioned that only 100x, so I tend to be neurotic about keeping the litter boxes clean. And Mr. B has a panic attack after taking a cwap, meowing and announcing what he did. If I dont run into the kitchen, he comes in from the kitchen to tell me in person.
But at least he covers his business, and then he goes to cover his food dish, just to be sure any airborne germs dont get into his chopped liver. Bootee poops, makes a few swipes with his paws and runs to wash himself. I found him having some problems because I am stupid and bought raffia for them.
Raffia, a natural rope-like plant is often used in cat toys. A few strands are tied with a feather, sparkly threads on a stick and you pay $5. Since they only care about the raffia I bought a bunch of raw cleaned undyed raffia and thought what a treat! How smart am I? Not never because Bootee was so excited with having fresh crispy raffia to chase, roll around with, hanging from his perch, he chewed and chewed on it. I really did not think it through, but should have known because I cant sit and sew without him trying to catch and run off with yarn. He loves yarn. He'll eat it like spaghetti. At first I thought maybe he just wants a ball of yarn to play with...he toddled off as soon as I gave it to him and was very quiet for a suspiciously long time. I went looking and found him under the bed with one of his baskets where he stashes toys, unraveling the yarn, chewing away in bliss. I dont know how much he chomped down but his turds literally came out strung together. So I should've known better before buying raffia. He's such a curious, genuinely happy fat curious little porker, learns so quickly, responds to words, picks things up from Mr. B and me...so giving him something to make him happy is a joy to do. Except when he winds up with a tummy ache and cant pass a poop. I didnt realize anything was wrong until he stopped eating for a couple of meals, unheard of for him. I use Miralax, which is a stool softener for humans that doesnt contain psyllium in their food at least once a day. Bootee was born with digestive problems and at age 3 is still sensitive (so his owner brings home raffia for him to chew).
Enough about cat poop. I dont know what got into me this morning...while saying tehillim a thought came wandering by(a person does some of her best thinking while saying tehillim, unfortunately)that if its meant for me to move out of here, its going to happen, but in the short term I really am not comfortable living with one leg out the door, collecting boxes (30 stacked inside each other)for when the kids might find an apt near them. I expect I'll be making funeral arrangements before they get themselves moving to seriously help me move. So I broke down the boxes, taped the bundle and its going out.
This is the trouble with cleaning...one thing leads to another. I can't start and then sit staring at the desk in the bedroom loaded with disability and legal papers. So that desk mess where I've been working for over a year was sorted and boxed.
I bought a thick flannel gown 2 years ago, on sale. Love it, yellow with small flowers and sleeves that end in cuffs so tight its not wearable. So for 2 winters its been hanging in the closet. With my RA getting more sensitive to cold, flannel is gift. I wasnt ever able to wear it because of overheating, that certainly isnt an issue anymore. Another sign of old age.
Sunday mornings Columbia U. in NYC has a radio program of low country blue grass...Bill Monroe, Doc Watson and so much more. I must have hick somewhere in the family trees, this music stops me cold, some of it amazing as neggunnim, it goes straight to the heart. Nothing like contemporary country which I never listen to. So I sat and ripped the seams open on the flannel gown as Doc Watson was singing Little Birdie and fixed the sleeves. Its probably me channeling Dad who sold blue serge suits in the back woods of Maryland during the 1920s.
Maybe I'm not paying close enough attention, but havent read why Iran needs to send a warship through the Suez...sport? muscle flexing? Ghaddafi is clearly not taking his meds, sending planes up to machine gun citizens protesting in the streets. Incredible these monsters have sat unchallenged in any major way for decades and now that their peoples are asking them to pack their bags, its time to murder, just mow folks down. Saudis keeping low public profile must be very busy behind scenes and under their tables to squash anything at home and in Bahrain.
There is a sweetness among everything else, in Egyptians, which differentiates their struggle from the rest of the region. I say this inspite of the horror stories that came out of sexual abuse against women during the protests-but would bet my last buck this was not citizenry, it was hired thugs. I have to think this will be their saving grace in dealing with Israel.
WWII and more recently we see countries where neighbors of different ethnic backgrounds who once lived together for decades, turn on each other when war presents opportunity, raping one another's wives and daughters, slaughtering men. I was still in college during the Bosnian/Croatian horrors. A student filmmaker returned to Croatia and I wrote him asking if there was anything I could send. He wrote back, although I'll never know how his letter made it out, 'just send black garbage bags.'
My neighbor had a visitor yesterday...late night conversation on the stairs. The man was saying most people around here are carrying guns now and she might want to think about getting one in case of riots starting. As my blood turned to ice while hearing this, she responded, I'm glad I'll be gone, won't be here to see it.
Last year my son, a trained gunsmith told me the same thing about where he lives, but it was in regard to antisemitic incidents in his community. Gravestones had been overturned, swastikas and graffitti showing up. Two completely different cultures and religious communities packing heat, prepared for wars no one has yet declared but troubles that are quietly rumbling that the average citizen is sure is around the corner...apocalyptic one might say.
Having caught 15 minutes of Glenn Beck (oh thee of chalkboard fame) comparing the Second Coming as described in Christianity and Islam. Christians believe the return of jesus means a period of wars (which some claim we are in now), good years when people will convert and then a mark on the heads of sinners that means those who did not accept jesus as saviour will be sent to Sheol. On the other hand, muslims say the same and then change the ending to read the mark of 'the beast' means those marked are saved from damnation. Beck's idea is that we're all sitting on a time bomb, that is Islam, and we need to be aware and prepared. The funny thing is, the 'experts' writing about this stuff are mainly Jews, explaining comparative religious theories but I have yet to see a Jew write a compendium of the end of times that includes all 3 religions.
According to Chabad, Moshiach arrived and will be revealed (Lubavitchers already know who he is) once enough mitzvahs are done, enough babies are birthed and two consecutive shabbosim are observed perfectly.
Part of me wants to build a bomb shelter and the rational aka lazy brain section says, why bother, at the rate things are going no one is getting out alive.
The neighbors are moving-no one is supposed to know because landlord doesnt want his office manager pushing her way in there, so with them packing and friends and relatives coming around to pick up whatever and say goodbye, its Penn Station Flea Market with foot traffic and furniture banging on the way down the stairs. BeauGhetto.
I've had these guys since they were kittens, so no accounting for their shaky nerves...except I was working and out for 12 hrs a day until this past year and we had alot of physical changes going on with construction noises, so maybe that's it. The smaller (!) cat, I have to stop calling him the 'smaller' cat because he's become so wide and heavy. He rolls around, oblivious to his girth. This isn't a problem unless he's perched somewhere, which is at least once a day. He like to lie down someplace precarious, turn himself upside down and glance around-the world is upside down. Its not the same as when he sleeps belly up, feet curled. When napping he finds a quiet secure spot and conks out, eventually rolling onto his back, curling his toes, often twitching in bliss, sometimes even mewing in his sleep. He only makes noise in his sleep when stressed out-if Mr. B has been chasing or whacking him aggressively, Bootee seeks some soul soothing activities. One favorite is humping my leg that has a blanket on it. This is a sure way to tick off Mr. B who comes sniffing around later...both of them sniff each other's behinds. Maybe I should read up on cat behaviour instead of playing cat shrink. This apartment is so small, I might have mentioned that only 100x, so I tend to be neurotic about keeping the litter boxes clean. And Mr. B has a panic attack after taking a cwap, meowing and announcing what he did. If I dont run into the kitchen, he comes in from the kitchen to tell me in person.
But at least he covers his business, and then he goes to cover his food dish, just to be sure any airborne germs dont get into his chopped liver. Bootee poops, makes a few swipes with his paws and runs to wash himself. I found him having some problems because I am stupid and bought raffia for them.
Raffia, a natural rope-like plant is often used in cat toys. A few strands are tied with a feather, sparkly threads on a stick and you pay $5. Since they only care about the raffia I bought a bunch of raw cleaned undyed raffia and thought what a treat! How smart am I? Not never because Bootee was so excited with having fresh crispy raffia to chase, roll around with, hanging from his perch, he chewed and chewed on it. I really did not think it through, but should have known because I cant sit and sew without him trying to catch and run off with yarn. He loves yarn. He'll eat it like spaghetti. At first I thought maybe he just wants a ball of yarn to play with...he toddled off as soon as I gave it to him and was very quiet for a suspiciously long time. I went looking and found him under the bed with one of his baskets where he stashes toys, unraveling the yarn, chewing away in bliss. I dont know how much he chomped down but his turds literally came out strung together. So I should've known better before buying raffia. He's such a curious, genuinely happy fat curious little porker, learns so quickly, responds to words, picks things up from Mr. B and me...so giving him something to make him happy is a joy to do. Except when he winds up with a tummy ache and cant pass a poop. I didnt realize anything was wrong until he stopped eating for a couple of meals, unheard of for him. I use Miralax, which is a stool softener for humans that doesnt contain psyllium in their food at least once a day. Bootee was born with digestive problems and at age 3 is still sensitive (so his owner brings home raffia for him to chew).
Enough about cat poop. I dont know what got into me this morning...while saying tehillim a thought came wandering by(a person does some of her best thinking while saying tehillim, unfortunately)that if its meant for me to move out of here, its going to happen, but in the short term I really am not comfortable living with one leg out the door, collecting boxes (30 stacked inside each other)for when the kids might find an apt near them. I expect I'll be making funeral arrangements before they get themselves moving to seriously help me move. So I broke down the boxes, taped the bundle and its going out.
This is the trouble with cleaning...one thing leads to another. I can't start and then sit staring at the desk in the bedroom loaded with disability and legal papers. So that desk mess where I've been working for over a year was sorted and boxed.
I bought a thick flannel gown 2 years ago, on sale. Love it, yellow with small flowers and sleeves that end in cuffs so tight its not wearable. So for 2 winters its been hanging in the closet. With my RA getting more sensitive to cold, flannel is gift. I wasnt ever able to wear it because of overheating, that certainly isnt an issue anymore. Another sign of old age.
Sunday mornings Columbia U. in NYC has a radio program of low country blue grass...Bill Monroe, Doc Watson and so much more. I must have hick somewhere in the family trees, this music stops me cold, some of it amazing as neggunnim, it goes straight to the heart. Nothing like contemporary country which I never listen to. So I sat and ripped the seams open on the flannel gown as Doc Watson was singing Little Birdie and fixed the sleeves. Its probably me channeling Dad who sold blue serge suits in the back woods of Maryland during the 1920s.
Maybe I'm not paying close enough attention, but havent read why Iran needs to send a warship through the Suez...sport? muscle flexing? Ghaddafi is clearly not taking his meds, sending planes up to machine gun citizens protesting in the streets. Incredible these monsters have sat unchallenged in any major way for decades and now that their peoples are asking them to pack their bags, its time to murder, just mow folks down. Saudis keeping low public profile must be very busy behind scenes and under their tables to squash anything at home and in Bahrain.
There is a sweetness among everything else, in Egyptians, which differentiates their struggle from the rest of the region. I say this inspite of the horror stories that came out of sexual abuse against women during the protests-but would bet my last buck this was not citizenry, it was hired thugs. I have to think this will be their saving grace in dealing with Israel.
WWII and more recently we see countries where neighbors of different ethnic backgrounds who once lived together for decades, turn on each other when war presents opportunity, raping one another's wives and daughters, slaughtering men. I was still in college during the Bosnian/Croatian horrors. A student filmmaker returned to Croatia and I wrote him asking if there was anything I could send. He wrote back, although I'll never know how his letter made it out, 'just send black garbage bags.'
My neighbor had a visitor yesterday...late night conversation on the stairs. The man was saying most people around here are carrying guns now and she might want to think about getting one in case of riots starting. As my blood turned to ice while hearing this, she responded, I'm glad I'll be gone, won't be here to see it.
Last year my son, a trained gunsmith told me the same thing about where he lives, but it was in regard to antisemitic incidents in his community. Gravestones had been overturned, swastikas and graffitti showing up. Two completely different cultures and religious communities packing heat, prepared for wars no one has yet declared but troubles that are quietly rumbling that the average citizen is sure is around the corner...apocalyptic one might say.
Having caught 15 minutes of Glenn Beck (oh thee of chalkboard fame) comparing the Second Coming as described in Christianity and Islam. Christians believe the return of jesus means a period of wars (which some claim we are in now), good years when people will convert and then a mark on the heads of sinners that means those who did not accept jesus as saviour will be sent to Sheol. On the other hand, muslims say the same and then change the ending to read the mark of 'the beast' means those marked are saved from damnation. Beck's idea is that we're all sitting on a time bomb, that is Islam, and we need to be aware and prepared. The funny thing is, the 'experts' writing about this stuff are mainly Jews, explaining comparative religious theories but I have yet to see a Jew write a compendium of the end of times that includes all 3 religions.
According to Chabad, Moshiach arrived and will be revealed (Lubavitchers already know who he is) once enough mitzvahs are done, enough babies are birthed and two consecutive shabbosim are observed perfectly.
Part of me wants to build a bomb shelter and the rational aka lazy brain section says, why bother, at the rate things are going no one is getting out alive.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Adopting
One might think a mother of many would be grateful for having healthy, intelligent functioning adults out in the world. Yes...I am B"H. But there are a few factors that have culminated in the past few years, some from research & study, some from therapy.
This is very difficult to write about. In the 2 decades since being separated from my biological children, the craving to mother, to be a mother never left. Its like I'm stuck in a silent place I cannot quite see in my mind's eye that seems to be a room of abandonment ( my own)and wanting to be be a mother, again.
This feeling may not be something anyone can understand other than a woman who went through similar extremes, but having multiple children less than a year apart, while nursing, without family and a disinterested spouse, did not allow me to mother. I cooked, fed, washed, read bedtime stories,loved each one, but honestly was on auto pilot because of exhaustion, depression and poverty. The grinding filth, never knowing where rent/bill money was going to come from. Month after month...with no where to turn.
There has always been a black hole inside me that contains things even I cant fathom. A light comes on in the hole when I hear children crying and many do in my neighborhood, the parenting style here seems to be let'em scream it out.
I had an emergency hysterectomy in 2001. Thought then that all purpose in my life ended. The possibility of ever having another child was gone. But having children was to fix something, something of my parents. I'm always fixing something. Was the appointed fixer of my father's nightly J&B, fixed him to his bed and unfixed his shoelaces while singing him to sleep. I fixed the parental battles that raged for years, I ran messages from one enemy camp to another. I fixed their poverty by applying for foodstamps for the family at age 16, then my mother refused to be seen using them, I fixed that by shopping myself, further away from our toney West End Ave apartment.
When my father died and was about to be cremated, I tried fixing that mess as my mother's relatives came to the apartment to go through his things, I wanted him to have a kosher Jewish burial. After he died the hole opened because there was nothing left to fix and nothing left to hold onto.
He was an older frightened man who married a younger woman who took him for whatever she could, had 2 children she tried hard to avoid each day and despite himself, he was a parent. He wanted me to be something, a lawyer. With almost no education, he talked and talked to me, shared his life stories, shared his religion that had excommunicated him after he married my mother. He gave himself while needing too much from a child and got little from a wife who sought her comfort elsewhere. She was always looking to be rescued and when actual rescuers threw her a lifeline other than surreptitious dates between 9 and 5, she returned to home base.
Most of this is written about elsewhere and its only tangentially relevent to the slowly approaching point (!) which is, I bought a doll.
It seems I'm not the only older mother suffering maternalis-interruptus
. Apparently there are baby dolls created to look and feel like new borns. Some are so well crafted that cost hundreds of dollars. But I wasnt needing something that critically theraputic. Looking back, for whatever reason, my mother did not buy or allow dolls. We had Barbies, but I hated Barbie. She was a hard stick with huge breasts, enormous legs and a frozen expression. I think the more comprehensive view on this is that we did not have cuddle toys. The one stuffed bear I had, who had a bell in one ear came to me pink and when she took him from me, had turned grey and lost most of his curls from being held and picked at. She would come into the pitch black bedroom a la Joan Crawford, hissing at me to stop twinkling the damn bear or she'd take it away. How she heard that tiny bell as my father recited her sins in his slurred nightly performance, I cant say. Maybe she came in threatening me because she needed a break from him.
I bought a small doll, its not here yet. It's owner was selling it, so rather than leave it orphaned on eBay, for $5 plus shipping, I await her arrival. Yes, its a girl. She doesnt have a name yet and she doesnt have a bell stitched into her ear, so no one can complain about the noise. I never let my children 'scream it out' so she wont be sobbing, trying to catch her breath if she's hungry or scared because she's alone. And there's time now to be a mother. Maybe having time to love and hold a child without being under the threat of hiding from a hateful or drunk parent or an ever persistent husband tapping his fingers waiting for me to perform my 'wifely duties' instead of being a mother.
A life spent doing for others what I need for myself. This is a strange way to live because when there's no one to 'do' for, I cease to exist. It's been very healthy not living with a man, under a man, for a man, terrified of a man. Learning that there is no wind behind me chasing me to hurry hurry
get finished with whatever I'm doing on auto pilot (disconnected? dissociated?)so I can move on to the next thing on the list...list at work, those were never ending never good enough lists.
Survival, though touted as a feat, is only meant as a compliment when something is accomplished that society has deemed important. As all the bits and pieces floating in that black hole have begun surfacing I realize what feats I have accomplished to survive and adapt. I can only pray that my children have developed similar skills but do not suffer from the pain and loneliness that comes from the physical and mental toll this kind of survival has taken from me.
I'm thinking of naming her Pessie...dont know where that came from, except my father had a sister Pearl but I didnt know his family.
This is very difficult to write about. In the 2 decades since being separated from my biological children, the craving to mother, to be a mother never left. Its like I'm stuck in a silent place I cannot quite see in my mind's eye that seems to be a room of abandonment ( my own)and wanting to be be a mother, again.
This feeling may not be something anyone can understand other than a woman who went through similar extremes, but having multiple children less than a year apart, while nursing, without family and a disinterested spouse, did not allow me to mother. I cooked, fed, washed, read bedtime stories,loved each one, but honestly was on auto pilot because of exhaustion, depression and poverty. The grinding filth, never knowing where rent/bill money was going to come from. Month after month...with no where to turn.
There has always been a black hole inside me that contains things even I cant fathom. A light comes on in the hole when I hear children crying and many do in my neighborhood, the parenting style here seems to be let'em scream it out.
I had an emergency hysterectomy in 2001. Thought then that all purpose in my life ended. The possibility of ever having another child was gone. But having children was to fix something, something of my parents. I'm always fixing something. Was the appointed fixer of my father's nightly J&B, fixed him to his bed and unfixed his shoelaces while singing him to sleep. I fixed the parental battles that raged for years, I ran messages from one enemy camp to another. I fixed their poverty by applying for foodstamps for the family at age 16, then my mother refused to be seen using them, I fixed that by shopping myself, further away from our toney West End Ave apartment.
When my father died and was about to be cremated, I tried fixing that mess as my mother's relatives came to the apartment to go through his things, I wanted him to have a kosher Jewish burial. After he died the hole opened because there was nothing left to fix and nothing left to hold onto.
He was an older frightened man who married a younger woman who took him for whatever she could, had 2 children she tried hard to avoid each day and despite himself, he was a parent. He wanted me to be something, a lawyer. With almost no education, he talked and talked to me, shared his life stories, shared his religion that had excommunicated him after he married my mother. He gave himself while needing too much from a child and got little from a wife who sought her comfort elsewhere. She was always looking to be rescued and when actual rescuers threw her a lifeline other than surreptitious dates between 9 and 5, she returned to home base.
Most of this is written about elsewhere and its only tangentially relevent to the slowly approaching point (!) which is, I bought a doll.
It seems I'm not the only older mother suffering maternalis-interruptus
. Apparently there are baby dolls created to look and feel like new borns. Some are so well crafted that cost hundreds of dollars. But I wasnt needing something that critically theraputic. Looking back, for whatever reason, my mother did not buy or allow dolls. We had Barbies, but I hated Barbie. She was a hard stick with huge breasts, enormous legs and a frozen expression. I think the more comprehensive view on this is that we did not have cuddle toys. The one stuffed bear I had, who had a bell in one ear came to me pink and when she took him from me, had turned grey and lost most of his curls from being held and picked at. She would come into the pitch black bedroom a la Joan Crawford, hissing at me to stop twinkling the damn bear or she'd take it away. How she heard that tiny bell as my father recited her sins in his slurred nightly performance, I cant say. Maybe she came in threatening me because she needed a break from him.
I bought a small doll, its not here yet. It's owner was selling it, so rather than leave it orphaned on eBay, for $5 plus shipping, I await her arrival. Yes, its a girl. She doesnt have a name yet and she doesnt have a bell stitched into her ear, so no one can complain about the noise. I never let my children 'scream it out' so she wont be sobbing, trying to catch her breath if she's hungry or scared because she's alone. And there's time now to be a mother. Maybe having time to love and hold a child without being under the threat of hiding from a hateful or drunk parent or an ever persistent husband tapping his fingers waiting for me to perform my 'wifely duties' instead of being a mother.
A life spent doing for others what I need for myself. This is a strange way to live because when there's no one to 'do' for, I cease to exist. It's been very healthy not living with a man, under a man, for a man, terrified of a man. Learning that there is no wind behind me chasing me to hurry hurry
get finished with whatever I'm doing on auto pilot (disconnected? dissociated?)so I can move on to the next thing on the list...list at work, those were never ending never good enough lists.
Survival, though touted as a feat, is only meant as a compliment when something is accomplished that society has deemed important. As all the bits and pieces floating in that black hole have begun surfacing I realize what feats I have accomplished to survive and adapt. I can only pray that my children have developed similar skills but do not suffer from the pain and loneliness that comes from the physical and mental toll this kind of survival has taken from me.
I'm thinking of naming her Pessie...dont know where that came from, except my father had a sister Pearl but I didnt know his family.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Trump for President
Okay, go ahead and laugh, get it out of your system.
Now what are our options, assuming the current President is not an acceptable option for some in 2012.
I look at candidates against a backdrop that is both domestic and global. America is stretched thin financially, tired of wars and dealing with a wrecked economy. Selecting a candidate who speaks in pithy sound bites or someone who has little or no experience with global politics and other cultures is no longer acceptable. The world has officially shrunk as we found in Egypt this month and the US was caught short on both ground intelligence and intellectual capital. Inexcusable were the blurted contradictory WH responses, defending a dictator we paid off and then egging on citizens when our position was clearly immoral-or saying Israel's security requires we defend and retain a thief and murderer. We had no options because we have no one truly reliable, without agendas advising the people who make decisions.
I no longer know who makes any decisions, because whomever popped Mr. O into candidacy and then the WH is making decisions now.
NAFTA, another foible to pay foreign countries to create manufacturing for their own citizens, stemming their mass arrivals at our borders and then losing America's entire manufacturing base and blue collar level jobs in factories, construction etc. Every building built where I live is by Chinese who hire Mexicans; I watched as they worked through the snow storms that stopped the East Coast, hammering away as flakes fell and mounted. No time to waste. Call almost any company, from American Express to Earthlink, online customer services, all outsourced to foreigners.
Walk into any store to buy anything, Made In China (sometimes Mexico, India, Dominican Republic) dont look for something Made in USA. I cant find beef labelled "place of origin USA" in my neighborhood. I leave the 'fresh' fish sold by Chinese for the Chinese now since they seem immune to the poisons they use to farm their fisheries. Its great to buy fresh salmon at $4.99 a lb, but I'm sticking to canned tuna/sardines for the moment.
I can't see Sarah Palin having a conversation with the Chinese delegation about their currency manipulations and poisoning of exports and being taken seriously.
Rand Paul has already made it clear the US should halt all foreign aid, we cant afford to take care of Egypt-and then he makes clear, that means Israel too. What we cant afford is the filthy rich collecting Social Security at age 65 when they have pensions, savings, a home and dont need that money, even if they did pay into the system. Tell them they have the option of paying it forward to the next generation. My former boss once told me he cant figure out why the government bothers to send him a SS each month, he was still working, had two homes, traveled all over the world and the $1,000 a month meant nothing to him. That $1,000 could mean the world to someone else now or in the future, but we dont do means testing for anything and to suggest it there's squawking from every corner. Both father and son Paul are scary, we have scary in the WH now.
Mitt Romney? Looks good in a suit, not very articulate, never heard a serious foreign policy statement or budget proposal that addressed what pork can be cut despite special interests yelping, so why should he get the job?
Any one of those 3 who might run against Mr. O's re-election machine that is being primed and pumped in Chicago by Rahm Emanuel will lose.
Despite Hillary Clinton trying to look as somber as possible in her job, we need pants to talk to pants, a skirt doesnt cut it. The most destructive posture in the US for the past 3 decades has been political correctness-women can do anything a man can do. Bullshit. And we now know this is BS. We know it from domestic violence, emasculated men, latchkey kids, women in corporate positions still having to choose kids or career and if its kids, it means finding nannies to raise their kids. We tell women go out and do anything, then dont provide child care that makes that possible. O's new budget even cuts back on Head Start. It is appalling to see West Indian women walking with strollers babbling away not speaking English as their blond haired, blue eyed charges sit buckled and silent. We know it from watching men trying to convey to women via the media in programs, books how to be a woman while thinking like a man. Jekyll and Hyde...and then they wonder why women predominate the unexplained rise of auto immune/stress related diseases. The bizaare assumption that gay men have a special license to tell everyone how to dress, do couture, have a wedding, do interior design, cook-not in the manner of educating, in a manner of 'you (know who you are) have no sense of fashion, style or taste' it falls to us to educate you.
Born this way...that's what Lady Gaga was conveying with her pathetic egg and poseurs dancing around her-we're born this way and so all your conventions of marriage, monogamy, fidelity, morality, and ultimately monotheism, is invalid because its a round peg trying to insist it can fit into a square hole.
Despite the myriad of digressions, until further notice Donald Trump seems to the viable candidate to run against O & Co. Trump has the money, the guts to speak up, knows the foreign markets cheating America and understands that the cheats are not out solely for financial gain but to crush democracy and capitalism as a system.
I just hope Mr Trump can find the balance he needs because the media is so leftist here they will start putting him in the same column as Palin, calling him zenophobic or paranoid. He needs to have strong economic proposals both domestic and foreign and a team who will help him sell it.
G-d help us if he says he can see Russia from Trump Towers.
Now what are our options, assuming the current President is not an acceptable option for some in 2012.
I look at candidates against a backdrop that is both domestic and global. America is stretched thin financially, tired of wars and dealing with a wrecked economy. Selecting a candidate who speaks in pithy sound bites or someone who has little or no experience with global politics and other cultures is no longer acceptable. The world has officially shrunk as we found in Egypt this month and the US was caught short on both ground intelligence and intellectual capital. Inexcusable were the blurted contradictory WH responses, defending a dictator we paid off and then egging on citizens when our position was clearly immoral-or saying Israel's security requires we defend and retain a thief and murderer. We had no options because we have no one truly reliable, without agendas advising the people who make decisions.
I no longer know who makes any decisions, because whomever popped Mr. O into candidacy and then the WH is making decisions now.
NAFTA, another foible to pay foreign countries to create manufacturing for their own citizens, stemming their mass arrivals at our borders and then losing America's entire manufacturing base and blue collar level jobs in factories, construction etc. Every building built where I live is by Chinese who hire Mexicans; I watched as they worked through the snow storms that stopped the East Coast, hammering away as flakes fell and mounted. No time to waste. Call almost any company, from American Express to Earthlink, online customer services, all outsourced to foreigners.
Walk into any store to buy anything, Made In China (sometimes Mexico, India, Dominican Republic) dont look for something Made in USA. I cant find beef labelled "place of origin USA" in my neighborhood. I leave the 'fresh' fish sold by Chinese for the Chinese now since they seem immune to the poisons they use to farm their fisheries. Its great to buy fresh salmon at $4.99 a lb, but I'm sticking to canned tuna/sardines for the moment.
I can't see Sarah Palin having a conversation with the Chinese delegation about their currency manipulations and poisoning of exports and being taken seriously.
Rand Paul has already made it clear the US should halt all foreign aid, we cant afford to take care of Egypt-and then he makes clear, that means Israel too. What we cant afford is the filthy rich collecting Social Security at age 65 when they have pensions, savings, a home and dont need that money, even if they did pay into the system. Tell them they have the option of paying it forward to the next generation. My former boss once told me he cant figure out why the government bothers to send him a SS each month, he was still working, had two homes, traveled all over the world and the $1,000 a month meant nothing to him. That $1,000 could mean the world to someone else now or in the future, but we dont do means testing for anything and to suggest it there's squawking from every corner. Both father and son Paul are scary, we have scary in the WH now.
Mitt Romney? Looks good in a suit, not very articulate, never heard a serious foreign policy statement or budget proposal that addressed what pork can be cut despite special interests yelping, so why should he get the job?
Any one of those 3 who might run against Mr. O's re-election machine that is being primed and pumped in Chicago by Rahm Emanuel will lose.
Despite Hillary Clinton trying to look as somber as possible in her job, we need pants to talk to pants, a skirt doesnt cut it. The most destructive posture in the US for the past 3 decades has been political correctness-women can do anything a man can do. Bullshit. And we now know this is BS. We know it from domestic violence, emasculated men, latchkey kids, women in corporate positions still having to choose kids or career and if its kids, it means finding nannies to raise their kids. We tell women go out and do anything, then dont provide child care that makes that possible. O's new budget even cuts back on Head Start. It is appalling to see West Indian women walking with strollers babbling away not speaking English as their blond haired, blue eyed charges sit buckled and silent. We know it from watching men trying to convey to women via the media in programs, books how to be a woman while thinking like a man. Jekyll and Hyde...and then they wonder why women predominate the unexplained rise of auto immune/stress related diseases. The bizaare assumption that gay men have a special license to tell everyone how to dress, do couture, have a wedding, do interior design, cook-not in the manner of educating, in a manner of 'you (know who you are) have no sense of fashion, style or taste' it falls to us to educate you.
Born this way...that's what Lady Gaga was conveying with her pathetic egg and poseurs dancing around her-we're born this way and so all your conventions of marriage, monogamy, fidelity, morality, and ultimately monotheism, is invalid because its a round peg trying to insist it can fit into a square hole.
Despite the myriad of digressions, until further notice Donald Trump seems to the viable candidate to run against O & Co. Trump has the money, the guts to speak up, knows the foreign markets cheating America and understands that the cheats are not out solely for financial gain but to crush democracy and capitalism as a system.
I just hope Mr Trump can find the balance he needs because the media is so leftist here they will start putting him in the same column as Palin, calling him zenophobic or paranoid. He needs to have strong economic proposals both domestic and foreign and a team who will help him sell it.
G-d help us if he says he can see Russia from Trump Towers.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Mabruk...possibly
Some random thoughts as Egypt is being followed by protests in Yemen and Algiers. Each country is different, as each dictator has his own levels of power to control citizens, militaries and media outlets vary in loyalty. Egypt is unique, long regarded paternalistically by its rulers, Egyptians were thought to be passive, uninformed.
I watched Andrew R. so-called media mogul that I knew from work, babble on CNN that only 20% of Egyptians have cell phones or internet access. I dont know the last time Mr. R was in Egypt but Internet cafes have lines out the door and are on every street-anyone who can scrounge the money for an hour of time, can go online, chat, flirt, see news even email the once President of Egypt.
Egyptians watch television mainly for the daily serials of domestic melodramas, not actual news, that's word of mouth- and even the lesser educated had become aware that state controlled channels were mostly propaganda-and now its confirmed, they all know it...but the point is, it was a known fact that people like Wael Ghonim were aware of and harnessing.
Wael Ghonim is correct, this was Revolution 2.0 due to technology created by Mark Zuckerberg aka Jewish brains.
None, I will venture, none of the Middle East countries demanding freedom are looking to exchange their current state of poverty and misery for a chance to be part of the caliphate all the U.S. talking heads are schmoozing about-their ignorance is astounding.
Although the caliphate fantasy exists in the Brotherhood handbook and is part of Iran's plan for world domination (wake up Venezuela), its yesterday's news, not a single country on this earth with Internet access is interested in moving back to the 12th century, living in tents, keeping women indoors, reinstating public polygamy (which is already practiced under the table)or enacting sharia law. Not one. This will only happen, as we see, by sheer domination enforced by brutal military regimes.
It's pathetic to see old "religious" men in shrouds with beards using maniacal madmen and their militaries to enforce the Relgion of Peace in their countries while their citizens secretly plot and plan how to overthrow them, meet in private to read, study, wear makeup, have parties, and have normal westernized style lives...all underground.
The WH and its feeder think tanks might consider how to provide all the tech support possible to further communications and on the US side, stop promoting caliphate mania and instead highlight the good acts, the small steps toward freedom and knowledge that Egypt now and hopefully other countries begin to make. If these citizens are genuinely desiring freedom, they already know Israel is not their problem-their problems were their leaders.
Israel might want to think how it can position itself to assist more publically in helping the region by finalizing a place for those citizens called Palestinians and stop moving the goal line every few months because that wont work anymore, game over unless the US is going to bankroll another dictator. Egypt has almost no infrastucture-what it does have is in shambles. Egypt graduates thousands of engineers of every variety, most of whom never ever do work in their fields.
Egypt's education system needs some hard scrutiny as well. Other than the American University in Cairo, degrees are like taking an online collegiate degree, its laughable, non transferrable and of little use outside Egypt; but Egyptians do not know that unless they're outside the country.
Every government has its reasons for spreading propaganda and lies about Those Other countries, but the world is in a unique moment historically-I'm not an optimist by nature, but I only see great hope in these ruptures. Human desires for complete change, that if left unnurtured by governments in the EU, US and elsewhere, will ultimately be turned into a choke hold by religious fanatics that the Western media is rhapsodizing about.
We're not currently seeing revolutions demanding mo'better religion, but if the West cant keep up with understanding whats going on in the streets of these countries and provide support other than military, it will certainly spiral down so fast that a caliphate will be the least of our problems.
I read that Julian Assange is being nominated for a 2011 Nobel; they might want to consider giving Nobels to Ghonim and Zuckerberg. And a posthusmous Nobel to Mohammed Bouazizi, the young engineer who could not find work and sold fruit from a cart until even that was taken away from him by Tunisian police.
Such a time to be alive, to see justice meted out after generations of oppression and despair, to see the right hand of G-d correcting the evil only mankind can inflict on itself.
I watched Andrew R. so-called media mogul that I knew from work, babble on CNN that only 20% of Egyptians have cell phones or internet access. I dont know the last time Mr. R was in Egypt but Internet cafes have lines out the door and are on every street-anyone who can scrounge the money for an hour of time, can go online, chat, flirt, see news even email the once President of Egypt.
Egyptians watch television mainly for the daily serials of domestic melodramas, not actual news, that's word of mouth- and even the lesser educated had become aware that state controlled channels were mostly propaganda-and now its confirmed, they all know it...but the point is, it was a known fact that people like Wael Ghonim were aware of and harnessing.
Wael Ghonim is correct, this was Revolution 2.0 due to technology created by Mark Zuckerberg aka Jewish brains.
None, I will venture, none of the Middle East countries demanding freedom are looking to exchange their current state of poverty and misery for a chance to be part of the caliphate all the U.S. talking heads are schmoozing about-their ignorance is astounding.
Although the caliphate fantasy exists in the Brotherhood handbook and is part of Iran's plan for world domination (wake up Venezuela), its yesterday's news, not a single country on this earth with Internet access is interested in moving back to the 12th century, living in tents, keeping women indoors, reinstating public polygamy (which is already practiced under the table)or enacting sharia law. Not one. This will only happen, as we see, by sheer domination enforced by brutal military regimes.
It's pathetic to see old "religious" men in shrouds with beards using maniacal madmen and their militaries to enforce the Relgion of Peace in their countries while their citizens secretly plot and plan how to overthrow them, meet in private to read, study, wear makeup, have parties, and have normal westernized style lives...all underground.
The WH and its feeder think tanks might consider how to provide all the tech support possible to further communications and on the US side, stop promoting caliphate mania and instead highlight the good acts, the small steps toward freedom and knowledge that Egypt now and hopefully other countries begin to make. If these citizens are genuinely desiring freedom, they already know Israel is not their problem-their problems were their leaders.
Israel might want to think how it can position itself to assist more publically in helping the region by finalizing a place for those citizens called Palestinians and stop moving the goal line every few months because that wont work anymore, game over unless the US is going to bankroll another dictator. Egypt has almost no infrastucture-what it does have is in shambles. Egypt graduates thousands of engineers of every variety, most of whom never ever do work in their fields.
Egypt's education system needs some hard scrutiny as well. Other than the American University in Cairo, degrees are like taking an online collegiate degree, its laughable, non transferrable and of little use outside Egypt; but Egyptians do not know that unless they're outside the country.
Every government has its reasons for spreading propaganda and lies about Those Other countries, but the world is in a unique moment historically-I'm not an optimist by nature, but I only see great hope in these ruptures. Human desires for complete change, that if left unnurtured by governments in the EU, US and elsewhere, will ultimately be turned into a choke hold by religious fanatics that the Western media is rhapsodizing about.
We're not currently seeing revolutions demanding mo'better religion, but if the West cant keep up with understanding whats going on in the streets of these countries and provide support other than military, it will certainly spiral down so fast that a caliphate will be the least of our problems.
I read that Julian Assange is being nominated for a 2011 Nobel; they might want to consider giving Nobels to Ghonim and Zuckerberg. And a posthusmous Nobel to Mohammed Bouazizi, the young engineer who could not find work and sold fruit from a cart until even that was taken away from him by Tunisian police.
Such a time to be alive, to see justice meted out after generations of oppression and despair, to see the right hand of G-d correcting the evil only mankind can inflict on itself.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Mubarak leaves
At first it seemed the announcment that he left for Sharm was a another slap in the face of Egyptians; he wouldnt resign and went on vacation. But he resigned, I would venture he likely is not in Egypt, despite his proclamations he will die and be buried in Egypt. My old boss said the same thing when every effort was made to boot her ass out of the College, I will die at my desk. She was forced out, given a package and someone was hired in her place and she was told the person would be moving into her office...it was pathetic to watch her husband and assistant throw things into boxes and bring them down to their car.
While this is history, joyous for the Egyptians, not only the departure of this monster and his henchmen, its hopefully a door opening so that the country can begin to build, grow, families can have homes, food, educate their children for purpose rather than to sell fruit or sit in cafes dreaming in bitterness of how to escape. Maybe now the sons of Egypt can dream of staying home and making their country a place they want to remain in, raise their children, a place to be proud of.
Hours before the resignation sentence was read by Suleiman, the tanks turrets were turned away from the crowds-signaling the Army was of and with the people. One can only pray this remains their guiding principle.
This is not a time for words, there are enough that are being said and will be said. The cry of G-d is Great is the same in every language, what is happening across the ME, the freeing of oppressed, despairing masses could only have happened with the merciful hand of G-d. G-d protect Israel and everyone who lives in the region.
While this is history, joyous for the Egyptians, not only the departure of this monster and his henchmen, its hopefully a door opening so that the country can begin to build, grow, families can have homes, food, educate their children for purpose rather than to sell fruit or sit in cafes dreaming in bitterness of how to escape. Maybe now the sons of Egypt can dream of staying home and making their country a place they want to remain in, raise their children, a place to be proud of.
Hours before the resignation sentence was read by Suleiman, the tanks turrets were turned away from the crowds-signaling the Army was of and with the people. One can only pray this remains their guiding principle.
This is not a time for words, there are enough that are being said and will be said. The cry of G-d is Great is the same in every language, what is happening across the ME, the freeing of oppressed, despairing masses could only have happened with the merciful hand of G-d. G-d protect Israel and everyone who lives in the region.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Right, Left, right....left...
Six years, multiple diagnosis, myriad of tests and now game may be changing. I've been complaining or reporting of extreme hip/lower back pain. As long as 9 months ago, but doc said too early to get approval for another MRI. Leg pretty much collapses when I turn suddenly, put weight on that leg, which of course means when walking, its touch & go, so I've been avoiding anything except crucial reasons to be out and walking.
A month ago, after listening to my repeated comments that something is off with my hip, doc said she would request approval for MRI. I said my insurance does not require pre authorization, she said Oh yes, we need to do that...huh? It took a month of waiting to receive an office call that no authorization was needed, so, did I want script mailed to me or would I like to pick it up?
Since I had to make the appointment, said I would come (via subway) to pick it up. Then we got hit with first snow storm...before that cleared, a second snow storm. I had to reschedule MRI 2x and had it done on 2.8.11.
Doc calls to tell me I must be seen asap by spine doctor...okay, I ask her why,please tell me what's going on, I'm taking enough meds I wont freak out, dont worry. MRI shows my spine is severely inflammed which accounts for the pain, but the cause...that requires more tests, ASAP I'm told but I dont have subway fare, no less doctor fees until March.
It always works out this way...it takes months, into years to get a doctor to HEAR when I say, something is wrong, this pain isnt right. And I speak clearly, maybe too clearly. It wasnt until 2005 when I saw a female rhuematologist that someone finally listened, ran tests and whaddya know, it wasnt a mental figment, it was a host of neglected, ignored serious health issues that had been shrugged off and misdiagnosed.
Because of years of no treatment, my body is not accepting much in terms of medicines, alot of no reaction, rare adverse side affects and continued PAIN. Pain that now requires serious pain meds just to function.
Her practice is so busy, I bring notes of what to report, what I need in scripts, what I need to ask...quickly, in and out so as not to waste her time. She was good enough to tell me to apply for disability and supported that claim throughout the process.
So I feel guilty in wanting to say "are you paying attention to your patients?" which I could have asked 6 months ago when she suddenly said, you have to see an endocrinologist and then endocrinologist pulls up 3 yrs worth of tests that show abnormal results for specific issues...did you not see that? Were you too busy asking me to stop by the review website to give the practice a great review so the practice is included in the Top 100 Doctors in New York???????? Is bringing in business to the hosptial more important that hearing what patients say? I have some of the best health insurance that will likely not be available by summer, COBRA kicks in and the price quote is not something affordable while living in NY on disability-so its not like I'm an indigent Medicaid patient she has to work around, its all there, just order the tests, make the referrals but I've waited since August for rhuematoid medication because authorization got lost among the piles of paperwork staff had to fax and didnt. 6 months lost when all I have left is 5 months of coverage, then all hell breaks lose.
And no one to discuss this with...kids dont call, dont want to hear this crap, too depressing, they're busy. And best of all, I was notified that parents need to act like parents and not turn to children for support or anything, parents are meant to offer that to kids. So my job now is shut up and do whatever is needed, to be supportive.
In the past month I've come to realize this is all in G-d's hand, stay here or go elsewhere, it doesnt matter much because no one really has the time, they're all growing and going...you have yourself and not much else. The best of parents find themselves alone at this time of life, I'm done punishing myself.
A month ago, after listening to my repeated comments that something is off with my hip, doc said she would request approval for MRI. I said my insurance does not require pre authorization, she said Oh yes, we need to do that...huh? It took a month of waiting to receive an office call that no authorization was needed, so, did I want script mailed to me or would I like to pick it up?
Since I had to make the appointment, said I would come (via subway) to pick it up. Then we got hit with first snow storm...before that cleared, a second snow storm. I had to reschedule MRI 2x and had it done on 2.8.11.
Doc calls to tell me I must be seen asap by spine doctor...okay, I ask her why,please tell me what's going on, I'm taking enough meds I wont freak out, dont worry. MRI shows my spine is severely inflammed which accounts for the pain, but the cause...that requires more tests, ASAP I'm told but I dont have subway fare, no less doctor fees until March.
It always works out this way...it takes months, into years to get a doctor to HEAR when I say, something is wrong, this pain isnt right. And I speak clearly, maybe too clearly. It wasnt until 2005 when I saw a female rhuematologist that someone finally listened, ran tests and whaddya know, it wasnt a mental figment, it was a host of neglected, ignored serious health issues that had been shrugged off and misdiagnosed.
Because of years of no treatment, my body is not accepting much in terms of medicines, alot of no reaction, rare adverse side affects and continued PAIN. Pain that now requires serious pain meds just to function.
Her practice is so busy, I bring notes of what to report, what I need in scripts, what I need to ask...quickly, in and out so as not to waste her time. She was good enough to tell me to apply for disability and supported that claim throughout the process.
So I feel guilty in wanting to say "are you paying attention to your patients?" which I could have asked 6 months ago when she suddenly said, you have to see an endocrinologist and then endocrinologist pulls up 3 yrs worth of tests that show abnormal results for specific issues...did you not see that? Were you too busy asking me to stop by the review website to give the practice a great review so the practice is included in the Top 100 Doctors in New York???????? Is bringing in business to the hosptial more important that hearing what patients say? I have some of the best health insurance that will likely not be available by summer, COBRA kicks in and the price quote is not something affordable while living in NY on disability-so its not like I'm an indigent Medicaid patient she has to work around, its all there, just order the tests, make the referrals but I've waited since August for rhuematoid medication because authorization got lost among the piles of paperwork staff had to fax and didnt. 6 months lost when all I have left is 5 months of coverage, then all hell breaks lose.
And no one to discuss this with...kids dont call, dont want to hear this crap, too depressing, they're busy. And best of all, I was notified that parents need to act like parents and not turn to children for support or anything, parents are meant to offer that to kids. So my job now is shut up and do whatever is needed, to be supportive.
In the past month I've come to realize this is all in G-d's hand, stay here or go elsewhere, it doesnt matter much because no one really has the time, they're all growing and going...you have yourself and not much else. The best of parents find themselves alone at this time of life, I'm done punishing myself.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Caught up
I needed some distance on current events. Egypt is a war to be fought by Egyptians, not arm chair generals. At the moment it seems clear that the entrenched regime is shuffling its cards, the procrastination game the US has enabled since '52 goes on and on. Life has germinated in Tahrir, a whole system evolves and each night I look at it teeming over the shoulder of Nic or Ben Wedemen the same thought comes, when are the bulldozers going to be sent to clear the Square. Egyptians are already saying the police are back pulling people aside, arrests...it doesnt end, the Army has been flexing its muscle.
I have more innocuous problems at home with a gentle souled cat who has suddenly turned on his roommate and hisses and smacks at him, physically tries to intimidate by jumping over him as the youger one waits to play with him, chasing him into another room, then strolling back to sit with me. The younger cat, only by a few months, is now equal in weight and size, they've both reached adulthood at age 3.5, the younger one who patterned all his cat behaviour on Mr. B cant understand why he's being rebuffed and bullied. He lies back belly up in submission, doesnt work. He usually doesnt strike back unless he's being hurt. Sometimes he falls asleep next to me and whimpers in his sleep, twitching. But more difficult for me is that Bootie loves Mr. B, he knows no other cat. Sometimes I'll call him to come back or come into the kitchen, he wont cross Mr. B who just chased him away.
It's such a small apt, there's no room for this tension and drama between 2 animals who should be companions. They want for nothing. I thought maybe Mr. B was sick. He never wants his stomach or back paws touched, but he's been that way since a kitten. Other times he comes near me, lies down and purrs very heavily...this only started in the past few months, he's never purred that I could hear. But Bootie purrs all the time, he chatters and mews, grumbles, comments about everything, makes his dislikes very clear...i.e. I am sitting down to dinner and it doesnt include any chicken for him to nibble.
Bootie discovered snow this year, its not the first year he's seen it, but now its an event that he loves. I made the mistake of opening the screen to show him the snow on the window sill and he reveled in the beauty of it. he pushed his paws through it, tried to catch the snow before it fell away from him. Now, snow or no snow, he wants to sit on the window sill with the screen up. If I open the window and kneel nearby, he paws at the screen, then stands on his hind paws to stretch trying to open the screen or show me to open it for him. So I do and then he curls up in his corner like a yenta and purrs as he lifts his nose to sniff whats going on.
He likes to throw crumbs out in the morning, we stop by in the evening...he would do well as an outside cat, but his being on a window sill 2 floors up requires full attention.
Since Boots discovered the snow and the world outside this tiny place, he wants to go on the sill every time I walk in that direction. And this it seems was about the time that Mr. B became incensed. Last year we had a squirrel coming by who would sit on the other side of the screen while it remained down and chatter and sit with Bootie. Mr. B was offended, sulked and then would simply chase Bootie out of the kitchen and sit on the window sill himself. And not in a position so that Bootie could sit with him, nope, all 18 pounds were spread across the sill making it clear the window was "Occupied."
Bootie is a very smart cat. He watches EVERYTHING and learns very fast. While he respects Mr. B as the alpha cat, he refuses to give up what he loves and that includes the great outdoors. So despite being chased and whacked on his little potato head (his head is as round and full as his tummy) he continues to demand some outdoor fresh air whenever it can be fit into our kitchen time.
I offered Mr. B the same option, his tail went up and he strolled out of the kitchen. I thought he sniffed as he left or mumbles something about 'the unwashed masses,' but I've taken in too much current events of late and my wires may have crossed.
I have more innocuous problems at home with a gentle souled cat who has suddenly turned on his roommate and hisses and smacks at him, physically tries to intimidate by jumping over him as the youger one waits to play with him, chasing him into another room, then strolling back to sit with me. The younger cat, only by a few months, is now equal in weight and size, they've both reached adulthood at age 3.5, the younger one who patterned all his cat behaviour on Mr. B cant understand why he's being rebuffed and bullied. He lies back belly up in submission, doesnt work. He usually doesnt strike back unless he's being hurt. Sometimes he falls asleep next to me and whimpers in his sleep, twitching. But more difficult for me is that Bootie loves Mr. B, he knows no other cat. Sometimes I'll call him to come back or come into the kitchen, he wont cross Mr. B who just chased him away.
It's such a small apt, there's no room for this tension and drama between 2 animals who should be companions. They want for nothing. I thought maybe Mr. B was sick. He never wants his stomach or back paws touched, but he's been that way since a kitten. Other times he comes near me, lies down and purrs very heavily...this only started in the past few months, he's never purred that I could hear. But Bootie purrs all the time, he chatters and mews, grumbles, comments about everything, makes his dislikes very clear...i.e. I am sitting down to dinner and it doesnt include any chicken for him to nibble.
Bootie discovered snow this year, its not the first year he's seen it, but now its an event that he loves. I made the mistake of opening the screen to show him the snow on the window sill and he reveled in the beauty of it. he pushed his paws through it, tried to catch the snow before it fell away from him. Now, snow or no snow, he wants to sit on the window sill with the screen up. If I open the window and kneel nearby, he paws at the screen, then stands on his hind paws to stretch trying to open the screen or show me to open it for him. So I do and then he curls up in his corner like a yenta and purrs as he lifts his nose to sniff whats going on.
He likes to throw crumbs out in the morning, we stop by in the evening...he would do well as an outside cat, but his being on a window sill 2 floors up requires full attention.
Since Boots discovered the snow and the world outside this tiny place, he wants to go on the sill every time I walk in that direction. And this it seems was about the time that Mr. B became incensed. Last year we had a squirrel coming by who would sit on the other side of the screen while it remained down and chatter and sit with Bootie. Mr. B was offended, sulked and then would simply chase Bootie out of the kitchen and sit on the window sill himself. And not in a position so that Bootie could sit with him, nope, all 18 pounds were spread across the sill making it clear the window was "Occupied."
Bootie is a very smart cat. He watches EVERYTHING and learns very fast. While he respects Mr. B as the alpha cat, he refuses to give up what he loves and that includes the great outdoors. So despite being chased and whacked on his little potato head (his head is as round and full as his tummy) he continues to demand some outdoor fresh air whenever it can be fit into our kitchen time.
I offered Mr. B the same option, his tail went up and he strolled out of the kitchen. I thought he sniffed as he left or mumbles something about 'the unwashed masses,' but I've taken in too much current events of late and my wires may have crossed.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Witching Hour
It's 3am, Day of Departure is about to commence. Black helmeted military types were reported setting up positions in Tahrir. Hosni is hunkered down in his palace, surrounded by Army tanks, soldiers and barbed wire. I want to sleep, but feel guilty putting my head down when people are going off to demand their freedom, tell the dictator to leave, knowing they may never see freedom in this lifetime, knowing they may not make it home tonight.
There is a strange phenomenon that's crept into global vernacular during the last decade. People in authority, including my former employer, do not engage the people below them in discussion because they dont want to discuss or waste time with group think-so they get the puzzle pieces together and then make and announcement, "here's what's going to happen"
In some places, this would be considered an autocracy-the rule of one over the many. It's going on in the US and feels strange, because our style of being governed once included keeping it real, by talking it out and about. Now people in power like Reid, Pelosi decided to push through something as monumental as health care in a document so huge no one had read it, understood it and therefore, could not really argue against it.
It's an odd sort of paternalism that existed for milleniums in the ME where a ruler can cut through alot of annoying citizen arguments with whatever he feels is best for the unwashed masses.
85 million Egyptians & 35% are illiterate according to Sharahin Amin (sp?) who resigned today after 20 yrs of reporting on Nile Television. She told Anderson Cooper the State was coordinating the media spin in Egypt on what citizens were being shown and told, which was almost exclusively pro mubarak and claiming foreign infiltators and Israeli sharks were behind the insurrection.
I dont think the Egy government has allowed themselves to use the word revolution because it would taken as an insult by Mubarak and his team after 30 years of dedicating himself to help Egypt-he himself said today, 'I'm fed up, want to leave but what can I do, it will become chaos if I leave.'
He might be right on that, but for other reasons. Its unlikely the cost of his irresponsible padding of the military to bolster his position is even known yet-the sacrifices made by Egyptians so he could sit there pretending to keep peace with Israel while tunnels are carved and used to whisk weapons, tanks and whatever else is needed to wage war on Israel.
Think about the amount of energy spent by people for hate and division, could feed and shelter entire countries...
There is a strange phenomenon that's crept into global vernacular during the last decade. People in authority, including my former employer, do not engage the people below them in discussion because they dont want to discuss or waste time with group think-so they get the puzzle pieces together and then make and announcement, "here's what's going to happen"
In some places, this would be considered an autocracy-the rule of one over the many. It's going on in the US and feels strange, because our style of being governed once included keeping it real, by talking it out and about. Now people in power like Reid, Pelosi decided to push through something as monumental as health care in a document so huge no one had read it, understood it and therefore, could not really argue against it.
It's an odd sort of paternalism that existed for milleniums in the ME where a ruler can cut through alot of annoying citizen arguments with whatever he feels is best for the unwashed masses.
85 million Egyptians & 35% are illiterate according to Sharahin Amin (sp?) who resigned today after 20 yrs of reporting on Nile Television. She told Anderson Cooper the State was coordinating the media spin in Egypt on what citizens were being shown and told, which was almost exclusively pro mubarak and claiming foreign infiltators and Israeli sharks were behind the insurrection.
I dont think the Egy government has allowed themselves to use the word revolution because it would taken as an insult by Mubarak and his team after 30 years of dedicating himself to help Egypt-he himself said today, 'I'm fed up, want to leave but what can I do, it will become chaos if I leave.'
He might be right on that, but for other reasons. Its unlikely the cost of his irresponsible padding of the military to bolster his position is even known yet-the sacrifices made by Egyptians so he could sit there pretending to keep peace with Israel while tunnels are carved and used to whisk weapons, tanks and whatever else is needed to wage war on Israel.
Think about the amount of energy spent by people for hate and division, could feed and shelter entire countries...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
We Owe Him?
Guiliani responds to the inept Piers Morgan asking why is US hesitating in slamming Mubarak straight on-Guiliani says we owe him for being a staunch ally, a friend to Israel...you have dictators and you have dictators...he's not a Mullah like you have in Iran, so...(so we have to understand the poor shlub rachmunus, a nudge here, a nudge there)
Listening to American officials who paid off Egypt governments to play nice & now cant rid themselves of a toothless fly paper tiger who is using every last thug in his address book, calling in the patronage who owe him for their middleclass salaries & mostly meaningless Interior Ministry jobs where they work 2 hours and then go home. Bloated autocracy that the US bolstered for decades claiming it was in defense of Israel.
Well, its a new era for everyone, that includes Israel who also has decided its time to stand up for itself-settlements? We'll build as we like, Jerusalem? it remains intact and under our protection for everyone to use safely. PA is now officially the laughing stock everyone took it for privately.
We need a big family get together, all new blood at the table to discuss the future of the Middle East, MEN that have earned a reason to participate. Sorry, but there are still some bastions where a woman cannot do the job of a man, and Secretary of State is one of those jobs. How can we expect men in a country who are given envelopes with cash and a Viagra pill and sent out to rough up protesters, cornering women to sexually maul them-Men in such countries have no concept that a woman has value other than as a depository for them or cook, maid. Because Clinton wears dark suits and doesnt smile doesnt put her on the same plane as Men speaking to Men to stand down.
So we have a president who is in place and propped up by G-d knows who and teleprompters and a woman in suits telling misogynist illiterates or worse, Euro educated snobs who think their own citizens are so passive and ignorant that they can push them around with a few men on horses and camels brandishing whips and truncheons, bribes and payola jobs.
Having a bomb, gun or oil should not necessarily qualify anyone or any government to dictate the fate of millions. Unfortunately the Arab world no longer sees any strength in Obama, for them or against them just a mouthpiece. Obama had to use Gates, Clinton(s), military generals to speak, his position as the President of the United States carries no weight, its pathetic. No matter how this shakes out, the world is too fragile to have someone weak as water (forgive me Mrs. Slocombe) playing president of what's left of the United States.
Listening to American officials who paid off Egypt governments to play nice & now cant rid themselves of a toothless fly paper tiger who is using every last thug in his address book, calling in the patronage who owe him for their middleclass salaries & mostly meaningless Interior Ministry jobs where they work 2 hours and then go home. Bloated autocracy that the US bolstered for decades claiming it was in defense of Israel.
Well, its a new era for everyone, that includes Israel who also has decided its time to stand up for itself-settlements? We'll build as we like, Jerusalem? it remains intact and under our protection for everyone to use safely. PA is now officially the laughing stock everyone took it for privately.
We need a big family get together, all new blood at the table to discuss the future of the Middle East, MEN that have earned a reason to participate. Sorry, but there are still some bastions where a woman cannot do the job of a man, and Secretary of State is one of those jobs. How can we expect men in a country who are given envelopes with cash and a Viagra pill and sent out to rough up protesters, cornering women to sexually maul them-Men in such countries have no concept that a woman has value other than as a depository for them or cook, maid. Because Clinton wears dark suits and doesnt smile doesnt put her on the same plane as Men speaking to Men to stand down.
So we have a president who is in place and propped up by G-d knows who and teleprompters and a woman in suits telling misogynist illiterates or worse, Euro educated snobs who think their own citizens are so passive and ignorant that they can push them around with a few men on horses and camels brandishing whips and truncheons, bribes and payola jobs.
Having a bomb, gun or oil should not necessarily qualify anyone or any government to dictate the fate of millions. Unfortunately the Arab world no longer sees any strength in Obama, for them or against them just a mouthpiece. Obama had to use Gates, Clinton(s), military generals to speak, his position as the President of the United States carries no weight, its pathetic. No matter how this shakes out, the world is too fragile to have someone weak as water (forgive me Mrs. Slocombe) playing president of what's left of the United States.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Old War Horse...
What a sad situation. A man who insists he is a major force in Egypt's history, a narcissist who must have the last word, must control his own departure, must set the terms of where and when and despite hearing a resounding cry from millions to please Go, will not. So why not?
I think two things may be involved here. Firstly the US may not want his immediate departure, no matter what the public stance is today, it changes daily; US government is too concerned Muslim Brotherhood will jump in and there goes the neighborhood. They want to ensure Suez remains open and working and that Israel is not the final exist on the road to democracy.
Secondly, Mubarak is a no-neck stubborn egotist who is determined that what he considers he 'built' not be destoyed or erased, he wants a succession that will follow in his footsteps, retain a friendly relationship with the US and himself, keep the police as the intimidating force to control the hungry, unemployed masses and be sure the Army remembers who they are serving, its him and whomever his puppet is going to be. I still think Mubarak is under the delusion that he can set in place a faux government that will be in place until Gamal can return to assume his rightful place on the throne.
Scenes today of Egyptians carrying their children as they walk shoulder to shoulder, professors with street vendors, people carrying cartons of juice, food, water to keep up the strength of protesters and hearing that despite the cut off of rail transportation and all forms of communication, Egyptians walked from the countrysides to stand together in Tahrir. That's one hell of a walk.
It's easy to be an armchair general, but if this were my war I would tell the troops, dont retreat-at this stage of war, its do or die. Those who can't stay under those conditions, should go, but those who can stay to the end, must stay. Mubarak does not have the right to set the terms of his departure, he has not earned that as 99.9% of Egyptians will tell you. The other 1% of his cronies have become fat and rich along side from the funds sent by the US.
There is not a single reason with the goodness of the Egyptians, the intelligence and desire to strive forward that in 30 years nothing could be done to create a functioning infrastructure, sewers systems, food distribution etc.
He stated he is proud of his contributions to Egypt and will die in his land...his inability to listen to the demands of the people he was so proud of governing may lead to his dying in Egypt sooner than he plans.
May he live to be 120;-)
I think two things may be involved here. Firstly the US may not want his immediate departure, no matter what the public stance is today, it changes daily; US government is too concerned Muslim Brotherhood will jump in and there goes the neighborhood. They want to ensure Suez remains open and working and that Israel is not the final exist on the road to democracy.
Secondly, Mubarak is a no-neck stubborn egotist who is determined that what he considers he 'built' not be destoyed or erased, he wants a succession that will follow in his footsteps, retain a friendly relationship with the US and himself, keep the police as the intimidating force to control the hungry, unemployed masses and be sure the Army remembers who they are serving, its him and whomever his puppet is going to be. I still think Mubarak is under the delusion that he can set in place a faux government that will be in place until Gamal can return to assume his rightful place on the throne.
Scenes today of Egyptians carrying their children as they walk shoulder to shoulder, professors with street vendors, people carrying cartons of juice, food, water to keep up the strength of protesters and hearing that despite the cut off of rail transportation and all forms of communication, Egyptians walked from the countrysides to stand together in Tahrir. That's one hell of a walk.
It's easy to be an armchair general, but if this were my war I would tell the troops, dont retreat-at this stage of war, its do or die. Those who can't stay under those conditions, should go, but those who can stay to the end, must stay. Mubarak does not have the right to set the terms of his departure, he has not earned that as 99.9% of Egyptians will tell you. The other 1% of his cronies have become fat and rich along side from the funds sent by the US.
There is not a single reason with the goodness of the Egyptians, the intelligence and desire to strive forward that in 30 years nothing could be done to create a functioning infrastructure, sewers systems, food distribution etc.
He stated he is proud of his contributions to Egypt and will die in his land...his inability to listen to the demands of the people he was so proud of governing may lead to his dying in Egypt sooner than he plans.
May he live to be 120;-)
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