Big 40

been down and out with illness...mostly stress related
tests show me depleted in critical vitamins which explained some problems
1 doctor prescribed therapuetic vitamins which i took for 4 days then went to work with all other 7 million dwarfs on the subway today, got to office with rumblings starting and by 10am had full blown gastritis, once again. waves of pain, nausea, pain by 2pm had me doubled over my desk, i packed it in and had to go home. we have a major event on friday and i was writing material for it. i dont know that i can make it in wednesday to finish.
Gastro surgeon called and said take your meds and take the vitamins and if things dont slow dosn we'll do a CAt.
This is what comes from leaving the coccoon of CH to live alone in the secular world, putting yourself thru school, working non stop to stay alive and keep a roof.
I called my youngest daughter M3), the one who would only leave for day care if she could wear her shabbos shoes. Now 24, she still has a shoe fetish only its more sophisticated. I called because I was thinking again. Thinking how the playing field is level down for me and J, their father. No other spouses, no child support payments, no grandfather with an inheritance to play games or threaten with, and n...o one is in the middle of CH under a microscope. There's just 2 parents with 5 children, physically grown and emotionally stuck in a time warp. SO I came to the conclusion if maybe the parents can grow up and put the past behind them, that we can try to salvage the kids before they end up as screwed up as we are.
None of them have married, a couple have made some poor choices in relationships which they finally got rid of and the youngest broher and sister it appears will be moving in together and share an apartment. I called M3 to ask her thoughts about me calling her father in an attempt to move forward as a unit and start parenting in a serious way. She was speechless and excited. We talked...she adrift even after we spoke 3 years ago about school. She paralyzed in being able to make a decision about getting ino debt for college with no job guarantee...doesnt want to be a wage slave. We talked, but she had to leave for work. She didnt feel it was something the kids had to comment on but a decision for me and J to decide to communicate.

By 9:30 I had gathered the cohones, hot tea and cigarettes to dial his number. We talked for an hour, if I had called earlier we might have gone more but he needed to sleep for work. Being J he just had to ask how much money I was making. BEing me I felt a need to excuse any money I had that he didnt have...as if child support might suddenly pop up next week.

You know on another day or time I would have found it really intrusive, but thats him, thats his bottom line. And I dont make much but I can live and pay my bills. I asked him if he felt we could move forward and put the divorce and rancor behind us for those 5 kids who need some direction and us...frankly they need their parents. Oldest daughter made aliyah and my middle daughter is supposed to be going within 2 months. I honestly dont know if the either have gone to Israel as their new home and life by choice or becuase they dont feel roots here. That leaves M3 here with 2 brothers and both parents in separate states, other than hers. She is thinking how to go to school to excape the work that doesnt satisfy her...as well as having to work at night.
J gave me a limip speech that he's happy and proud of the kids and told me what each one is doing. It was clear listening to him talk about L in Israel that she bought he version of what she does. But talking to her siblings, she's not dealing with relaity and is being used by the IDF or local police and not being paid. I dont know who to believe, L couldnt wait to go back and be there, its her home now. I am only filled with happiness, shep nachas even, that she feels so strongly. THe problems of the children were glosssed over with paltitudes and I told him this is a major reason we divorced, generalities that never addressed issues that needed serious attention. It was a first call and I didnt call to hammer him about the marriage, I want to work with him if he's willing to help our kids.

After his second divorce the wife scandalized him via loshon hora when he went out on shidduchim. He didnt know where the poison was coming from and was about to propose but the girl pulled out. The rabbi that introduced them asked him who or why and he gave the rabbi the phone of his ex! He called and spoke to her and called J back. She's the one causing you problems he told J. Imagine almost 10 years after divorce and she didtn even have kids with him and wasn't very nice to my kids, so what's her beef?I guess its the woman scorned syndrome... He asked if I was all finished with my marraige etc...'because I'm still single' I cant believe he would entertain marrying me again, I can't think about marrying anyone. The idea of having sex, being that close and trusting someone is unimaginable again. I'm exhausted...anyway I hope at least we can meet either in NY or his town to sit down and jsut talk before seeing the kids.


long day, alot accomplished but only first steps, imerz Hashem it will become what it should be for the children.

deep inside

There's a place inside me that's already shut down. I dont know if this is from depression or from having to deal with too much alone, for too long.
Who's to say its too much? The Abishter only gives us what we can handle...?
If a person become so ill, mentally and physically, 'too much' seems to be a quantifying measure.

This year has capped many years of endings and losses. We say every ending is a new beginning, I'm still looking for the door out of a long difficult chapter.

I'm writing this because I know someone will read it and recognize what I'm saying. I feel like I've already died. The kindness of a doctor I saw erev shabbos made me realize afterwards that what I've wanted and been waiting to hear in the last few months, is for a doctor to confirm what I already feel. I've been waiting for a terminal diagnosis of anything, so the pain will have a deadline, an end.

Going thru the motions of work and doc appointments, is all done on auto pilot. I am so removed from what's going on in my office and could care less about raising money for people and issues based on nothing but vanity and emptiness. I'm in a state of just waiting life out. I'm not able to 'do the right thing' and volunteer or help with anyone else's misery to make my own seem less. Grief, loss has overwhelmed me with paralysis. Stillness and as little contact with people as possible, avoids further loss, further grief, less chance of losing further control over my life.
And with all of this, I want work that has meaning, to help with something that will change and better other people's lives. To contribute something other than collecting a paycheck for pandering to the selfish egomaniacs I write for. I was given a gift that still hasnt found its voice or use in the right way.

Its an exhaustion from life I find difficult to write or describe. Unless I can change something so fundamental within my self as well as my living situation and the stresses of trying to survive alone--and I dont know that I can--all the meds, vitamins, docs, and religion will not solve the core issues of emotional and financial poverty that's allowed illness to develop.

J...
unlike some blogs perhaps, mine is my life as it is.
went alone to hospital, came home alone on subway after surgery.
made some tea, shaking from exhaustion fell asleep. got up made chicken soup.
returned to hospital next day by subway to see another doctor who's trying to sort out why i'm fading

inbetween the siddurim, tehillim, seforim, emunah, i'm still battling the nagging voice asking what's the point.