deep inside

There's a place inside me that's already shut down. I dont know if this is from depression or from having to deal with too much alone, for too long.
Who's to say its too much? The Abishter only gives us what we can handle...?
If a person become so ill, mentally and physically, 'too much' seems to be a quantifying measure.

This year has capped many years of endings and losses. We say every ending is a new beginning, I'm still looking for the door out of a long difficult chapter.

I'm writing this because I know someone will read it and recognize what I'm saying. I feel like I've already died. The kindness of a doctor I saw erev shabbos made me realize afterwards that what I've wanted and been waiting to hear in the last few months, is for a doctor to confirm what I already feel. I've been waiting for a terminal diagnosis of anything, so the pain will have a deadline, an end.

Going thru the motions of work and doc appointments, is all done on auto pilot. I am so removed from what's going on in my office and could care less about raising money for people and issues based on nothing but vanity and emptiness. I'm in a state of just waiting life out. I'm not able to 'do the right thing' and volunteer or help with anyone else's misery to make my own seem less. Grief, loss has overwhelmed me with paralysis. Stillness and as little contact with people as possible, avoids further loss, further grief, less chance of losing further control over my life.
And with all of this, I want work that has meaning, to help with something that will change and better other people's lives. To contribute something other than collecting a paycheck for pandering to the selfish egomaniacs I write for. I was given a gift that still hasnt found its voice or use in the right way.

Its an exhaustion from life I find difficult to write or describe. Unless I can change something so fundamental within my self as well as my living situation and the stresses of trying to survive alone--and I dont know that I can--all the meds, vitamins, docs, and religion will not solve the core issues of emotional and financial poverty that's allowed illness to develop.