Amazing family We are

I got an email from WebRing and dont recall contacting them, but am listed on JewishBloggers. Went to their site and found hundreds of jewish blogs. Some ranting, raving, deferential, saddened, angry and always passionate. Too many of the good ones stopped posting. I added TheShaigetz and Being a BT to my bloglist although they dont have recent posts, some of the writing is wonderful.

GhettoBasher@blogspot.com last post was July 2005. If someone reads his blog or knows him, tell him he's in my prayers.

Our stories and journeys unite us, even in their disparities, it is almost always a profound love and respect for yiddishkeit that drives us to search, move forward toward finding answers and peace.

I hope that those no longer posting found the answers they were seeking and didn't give up.

On strike

I'm not sure if this is permanent or a temporary brain fart due to mental fatigue. I stopped coloring my hair, letting the grey come in at the temple, stopped wearing any and all makeup, stopped wearing jewelry except for a mogen david and wear nothing but simple slacks and shirt.
Coat collar pulled up, bag tightly held, eyes down, find a seat, pull out book, avoid all humans.
I'll never make it as a certified yid, I dont like people enough and that's the truth. I like people at a distance, on paper, in theory, as specimens, house plants or pets. You can't expect much more than an occasional lick or new leaf, more than that breeds disappointment.

I've been sick so that's one valid excuse for going on strike. The other excuse is I did all these things before and during marriage and I could've danced naked on Broadway, he would have strayed because he said it was his right to do as he liked. Paint yourself like a tart and bake and cook yourself into exhaustion. He didnt like cotton underwear and would buy these tarty outfits for me to slip into after a 12 hour day. Its not his fault, I married him hoping that endless love and cooking would be his rehab into democratic civilization, what a hoot. My father o"s used to say, can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear...


If Andrea Dworkin were alive I would have written her a love letter. She saved my life last year.I wasnt thinking of thanking her for keeping me alive, but for her insight and strength. I spent the last 6 months I was trapped living with him, reading "Heartbreak" over and over. Read it like medicine to keep on track, to move forward, keep going and focused. Then a colleague at work was in a funk and I gave it to her for strength.
I think it was too raw for her...she never said a word about reading it. I rarely part with books unless it seems like a fit, I hope the book found a reader and a home.

I'm so tired...

Shabbos, work

I can count on 3 fingers how many events the college has scheduled on Friday nights in the last 15 years. I have one tomorrow night and one next Friday.

Alumni have asked for years that we NOT schedule reunions on the weekend so those who are shomer shabbos can attend. We wouldnt think of planning something on a sunday.

If I had any balls I would take my portable licht and bentsch tomorrow night in the ballroom and freak out the reform pseudo 'jews' and the goyim who have something to say about any religion. But I am a coward, I'm sure that's clear by now. The same people who turned their faces from me for wearing a scarf when I married, will be just as nasty to see me trying to observe judaism. Did anyone ever ask questions, speak to me...side way glares, smirks, gossip traveled back thru the grapevine.

The truly religious people will be in their own homes, not swilling liquor and watching awards presented for stuff no one cares about. We can't even get news covereage this crap is so meaningless. I wont eat there with my health the way it is now and I dont drink. I'm not fun. This is why men find me a pain in the ass. Women are supposed to be flitty bits of T&A with occasional brain when men need some info, otherwise shut up and put out. One of my VPs is a woman. I dont fall in love with people, I think I have a mother complex regarding this woman. She's like this brilliant, beautiful 57 year old...we can finish each other's sentences. I've been in meetings around a table and no one catches things she says except me and we laugh. If I found a man like that I dont know...I never have, maybe they dont exist. Even her, she has a male boss and defers to him, jumps when he calls, he makes her cry she told me once, but he's the Boss. She has a cell phone and is on 24/7 call for him. How do people live like that? Is that professionalism or something bizarre. She was an English teacher and then began writing speeches and copy for him in a corporate setting and moved up with him. She's like a buffer and previewer of people and facts so he doesnt have to think or speak to anyone not worth his time, she vetts everything. She makes over $100k to do that and has an expense account. He makes over $300K and has one. They quibbled over a $5k raise to put my salary on par where it should have been but wasn't and then gave me $3k while dumping a mess into my job description.


I keep having this fantasy about working in a flower shop. To go from the fake world of creating copy about people who mean nothing except to their self inflated sense of themselves, to simple daily making of small bits of honest beauty making a single person happy for a few days.


My second daughter is making aliyah in 2 months. I'm happy for the state of Israel...but I have 2 daughters now who've left the family and I dont know if its for the right reasons. The boys sure aren't interested in pitching in and going over. If M decides to go too, it will be as if I never had children. Life in CH will have been for nothing, my life will amount to nothing. I sent M a check this morning with a letter, telling her we have to move forward with either school or making some decisions about her future and I would like to help her in any way I can. I dont want to drop money down a deep hole for nothing, they all received a hefty inheritance and everyone is tightlipped about where their money is or went. I just dont want to see her married for lack of other options. If I wait for their father to wake up, it'll be another 20 years wasted if I live that long.

I should have titled my blog 'Going Home' because that's what I want to do...this life is enough already.