Dream

Had a dream last night that won't go away even on waking...I was with M. and it was in the U.S. and we were among alot of people. It felt like a park, the sun was shining, people were around us. We were sitting and talking. The conversation was his sense of emptiness that we had been unable to have children together. I began, within myself, to recall how much a man is moved at the birth of his own child, how he bonds to a new life, grows inside and feels a sense of duty. I felt an unbearable sense of grief, for M as a man, for us as a couple.
I could feel him inside me, as if we were making love and I began to cry in the dream. I realized we were no longer married. Not only had we never had children, we were also separated now forever.
He asked me why I was crying and held me, told me to come with him. We were going to the room he lives in now. We walked a bit, came to a restaurant and we went inside, down some steps and he spoke to the owner. She gave him some signs to post for the daily specials and we went into the back where he stayed.
I opened the door and to my right saw 2 large elderly dogs being taken into the room next to his.
As I opened his door a mother cat blocked the entry way and was giving birth to kittens. There at least 6 kittens, some already outside and running around, fluffy with eyes open, others covered in blood under her mewing and she was agonizing trying to expel the placenta.
As she gave a last push I rubbed her haunches and it was expelled. Instead of being a small fleshy pod which she would eat, it was a large black inedible thick material like cardboard.
I had a sense of death, separation.
When I woke completely I had to stop myself from calling M. He keeps my voice on his answering machine.
I dont think he does it for sentimental reasons...its unlikely he told his family or friends in Egypt we've divorced.
Since we separated last November, I saw the children once and received 2 emails. I've sent boxes of homemade cookies, gifts, called and emailed them. Its like banging my head against a stone wall. M assumed the children were behind my decision to divorce him and as soon as I did they would all come flocking around. He never saw his betrayals with other women as a valid reason. "I know my rights" he told me.
One day while sitting at the computer he turned to me and asked me to explain exactly where and why I was unable to have any more children, something I had explained before we even married. But M wasn't listening then...he was only thinking of marriage to escape Egypt.
It was after this conversation he either gave himself permission or got permission from some online imam to take a 'second wife' or have another woman for sex. I had served my purpose, I got him here, now it was time to move on to a woman he 'really wanted' as he told someone on the phone.
I know from the amount of physical and emotional abuse its not M I want back in my life. I loved him deeply, would not have married him and gone thru such troubles to bring him, care for his medical problems, support him completely if I had not loved him, trusted him. So I dont know what this sudden revival of feeling of love, loss and wanting to return to life with him. I'm sure he's already involved and planning his life with other women...something he never stopped doing from the day we married.