Fin

I purchased machzorim and a mezuzah at Eichler's. With no shul to go to, davening at home is the schedule. This week, a series of incidents, some minor, some not have me remembering that since 1973 I've been looking for acceptance within the jewish community. For whatever reasons, emotional, spiritual, intellecutal, none of that matters now.

What's become clear, is that just because I stepped away from chassidus in '86 and now want to reconnect, for myself as well as the kids, the same doors remain closed. The fact is I remain a geress,without family, only older now and even less useful.

I watched Soldiers of G-d and was so charged up by the movement to keep Yerushalyim intact. I looked online and found their website, emailed to say it was amazing work, that I hoped the reaction and support would be tremendous. I got a phone call from Hikind asking me to host an open house so she could come pitch for money. Surely I knew people or people who knew people to support the movement. I was embarrassed to say I dont live between Jews, in 2 rooms and there are even fewer jews at the college. I sent them tzedakah...I feel like a scab on a wound. If I had MONEY to give, doors would suddenly open in many ways. I called the JBFS and asked if they have support groups for women, they only have an older group that meets but they mailed me 4 fliers for tai chi and yoga sessions, 2 of which already happened months ago.

It all feels familiar. I've been thru this already...there's no place
The subject of being part of the jewish community, any jewish community is now closed. It hasnt happened and will not happen. The very few jews that know what I've lived thru actually have apologized on behalf of Jewry to me, as if 'real' Jews owe the convert an apology for 'bad behaviour'. That's how deep the schism is and they dont even get it. And the conversation always ends the same....talking about the negatives inside the community doesnt help anyone, we all know about the abusers, molesters, thieves, liars...but they exist everywhere. It's because I lived inside, studied chassidus and loved the Rebbe z'tl that this doesnt wash...jews are better than that, better than accepting filth as part of life. Maybe we've come so far and live is so dark now we can't even see the distinction between what is good and evil.

I dont even know at this point what it is I 'want.'
My childhood is gone, I already was converted, married and had children inside chassidus, what's to bitch about? Happiness? A decent mate? Millions want the same and never get it. The frum community is what it is and owes me nothing.

I dont know what's left to write here...I began this blog to journal about returning to a frum life. My 'frum' life is totally internalized, lived inside 2 rooms. And that will have to be enough, becuase the ABishter alone didnt abandon me, ever and its only to Him I owe anything to now.

Not a day, not an hour, not a space between each breath and my flesh, that I do not think about death. Its not even depression. Depression is a state, an existence separate that one moves into and possiblyt out of. This is different, its blood, its instead of life. Its no different than someone being a prisoner or lost somewhere alone and instinctively trying to stay alive. Even when it appears clear there is not purpose, instinct kicks in, but the darkness has already overwhelmed any hope for actual life. Only being frum seemed to resolve this issue. I have no other explanation for eating, working, shitting and starting it over again each day.