outside

Maybe its age...but as i watch the world that seems to be losing any boundaries of what is permissable, acceptable, ethical, a world where everything and anything is fine...if it satifies whatever you need...at the moment...this is where i see my kids confused and floundering. and i dont think its just my own children, i think maybe this is an underlying cause for alot of the violent acting out.
Its not simply mental illness...
I dont want to bring religion into this...but religion has always been a force in my life. In 2 that I've studied it says that a child is born pure, not in terms of physical sin, but in terms of knowing G-d and right and wrong. It is the contact of child to parent, child to world that begins to break down and tear apart the protective innocense, the ability children have to recognize the truth.

And the most frightening thing, I would imagine for the young and young adults is watching the lies and being told the lies, are the truth. There are more young soldiers returning with mental health problems than ever before. Suicidal ideation, depression are epidemic in young adults.
My father had an expression...'dont do as I do, do as I tell you' which always meant in our house, what you see isnt actually happening, what I tell you is happening, that's what you have to believe (is true).
THere must be a psychological term for this...its not the child is delusional, its the entire reality distorted as delusion, reality turned upside down, inside out, so that you doubt your own eyes, ears and senses. And then you stop trying to interpret, you wait to be told what it is you are supposed to see, you wait, for instructions and the correct version for you to bring to the outside world.
I dont know if anyone understand the minutiae of this kind of intense manipulation and distortion of children's sense of self and connection to the world. I know it only because I lived it, I survived by watching in silence mostly and writing, very early, taking notes because if you spoke or asked questions about what you saw, you could be in danger.

FOr me, the outside was supposed to be the safe side, nothing could be more dangerous than the inside of my family apartment. When it became clear that the outside was more abusive and equally chaotic as my own home, I became convinced one party in this was insane. And until now, I'm not sure which it is, me or world. I must say since I'm writing this much personal stuff, I walk on the street and simply cannot understand what I see. I feel like I've been dropped from another place and when I see people, what goes on, my skin crawls. I;m not talking about a specific incident of something bizaare, its eevertying; everything feels like a shadow of something real,just behind it and what I see in front of me, the people and all of life is an illusion...only I am solid...everything else feels unreal.

I've never written this before and to slowly type it all down I understand this is my own mental distortions or dissociations which I do every waking moment, as a survival tactic.

I've become convinced that something happened...I dont believe in 'lost memories' like recalling buried abuse, but I wonder if some traumas are so profound they actually alter a person's perceptions of one's relationship to reality...I'm sure I've either put anyone reading this to sleep...but this is quite amazing for me. Seomtimes I wish we had a resident doctor or someone who could put a name to some of these things we discuss and tell us what to read. So much of what many of us write, is the same grief over and over trying to heal and understand.

And tho I write in the first person, these words only echo what I hear from my son...the worlde remains incomprehensible.