daughters

Haven't been able to write much, my spine is deteriorating making sitting for long period very difficult. I was thinking how in Tehillim we read that many children can be a sign of wealth. Don't think I've read in either chumash or elsewhere about the different personalities of children...maybe in Shemos when Josef is sold by his brothers, or Cain when he buried Abel, but I was thinking about daughters. Rochel sacrificing for her bypassed sister Leah, Ruth leaving her home, family to remain with her mother n law to become a Jew...wasn't it Tamar who seduced her father so that sons would be forthcoming to redeem the Jewish people and show that her action was the Hand of G-d.

It's generally accepted that females are the backbone of Judaism, 'foundation stone' the jewel and crown and worth more than all that.
I have a daughter like this. When girls become of an age where they can make their own choices, it becomes hard for a mother to continue doing the same kind of nurturing as when they were small and needed help with everything. But in fact this child gives me more than I could ever give her. She never withholds love or a kind word, I think this is her way with everyone. She's not a pushover or stupid, she is aidel by nature-she was a birth and has remained so despite years of family hardship, years of trying to put the past behind her and not become bitter, cynical or playing victim with an expectation anyone owes her something...

G-d blessed this child with beauty inside and out. Although she has beautiful sisters (I got lucky) this young woman's gentleness makes her glow like a diamond between pearls.

I ask alot of G-d...and He's been most patient and generous with me, although I'm a stubborn arrogant frightened person most of the time with layers of armor from years of parental damage. For all that I've asked for, I never asked for children in the sense of simply wanting children-each pregnancy was a surprise, a joy that I could have a little life budding inside, that I could actually have a function in this world that was useful and productive-I could finish something-an act my mother insisted never happened in my life, finished nothing she often said.

And here came this child...the love for her was and always remained so painfully deep that years of separation I would dream of her. Once she was running in her nightgown, I picked her up and she was crying, I felt her tears, wet on her cheek while I was sleeping. I've dreamed of her when she was in trouble, physically or emotionally.

There are moments when I think, there is nothing in this world I need anymore, really there is nothing. I wrote, studied, traveled, worked had amazing children and I loved once, the kind of love where you cannot feel your feet touching earth when you walk next to him, a love you think could never be touched by the outside world, never destroyed, never ending. But of course it did end and had nothing to do with children until one day another woman showed up carrying his child. But that's another story altogether.

I want to spare this child, my daughter, pain but help her learn how to live and experience so much beauty in the world-that beauty which is possible inspite of the selfishness and cruelties humans do to one another, but I see all you can do after a while is love long distance. If I'm really blessed and G-d hears this last request for a final favor, maybe I can live closer to her before I pass away. And if that does not happen, I've come to accept that she is out there, the most beautiful rose, a perfect jewel that I pray one day someone will see, gather up to his heart and protect her always.