Abishter works in very strange ways:-0

So I'm on a housing list for the last 6 months...no details but its a restricted list for women only and I wasn't considered a priority candidate. Received an unexpected letter saying an apt is available, not far from CH.
Makes me think of the Soprano's quote..."I thought I was out but they keep puuulling me back in..."
Think area is borderline, about to be gentrified, will go look but not expecting much and definitely not jumping from the frying pan into another fire.
I keep thinking 'safe, secure' and frightened to take risks...keep trying to build a foundation and finding the rug's pulled out with no net. Its been too many years, too long trying to catch up with life that keeps racing by and nothing to show for years of struggle and trying to stay above water.
Really exhausted. Now that sounds like whining doesnt it...it isnt meant to be, its simple fact but I'm really too inhibited to list details so publicly...I'll just say that divorce (e.g. the get and the civil) from a "religious" chassid meant paying child support to him for 20 years to gain freedom. Life is expensive, but you knew that:-)
Anyway, I've been davening and asking for a clear sign of which way to turn now; I'm truly at a crossroad in terms of work and personally. I want very much to use whatever writing skills for more productive jewish issues rather than the secular university I work for. I would also like to be in a jewish community, but I really do not think reverting back into CH is the right path...I think this and I think that...I think too much, so I've been told by some people (men or people who don't think at all).
Due to a violent end to a long standing relationship I am living in my current apt, almost packed up in boxes for 3 months; without furniture except a bed and a few things. He kept bringing curb discards into the apt...all of which I got rid of when he was gotten rid of. Its strange how you think you know someone, commit to a relationship fully, financially, emotionally, legally and then find your partner never intended to commit; I was only a step for him until the next 'step' appeared...so once again in my life, its time to 'clean house.'
good night...been a long day all around.