Forgiveness is not on the menu for these sessions. The focus is calling a spade a spade and leaving denial in Egypt. I went in very angry this week after listening to myself describe horrendous events in a matter of fact matter and then blaming myself for being able to survive childhood but finding myself in situation after situation of being used/abused/raped in order to avoid homelessness, obtain a job, promotion etc. So I blame myself for not having developed the skills, other than paranoia, distrust, to be alert to these kinds of abuse after watching my parents enact these types of things to one another and in outside relationships.
I asked my therapist, is it plain stupidity, maybe I'm in the wrong type of therapy-it might be a different issue? WTF is wrong.
So here's his take:
1. At my age I'm still living in survival mode as if I was the same little girl running messages and mediating between an alcoholic and his young wife.
Living in this manner blocks out present day reality and appropriate responses, my reactions are on autopilot-every situation has a built in reactor as if I'm reacting to something from 40 years ago.
2. He pointed out the differences from my mother's philandering lifestyle and me leaving home at 16 to get away from the violence and then being told to get out at 17 after intervening on behalf of my mother against a physical attack by my father-the difference mainly is that I acted to survive, not as a prostitute etc. and got out of compromising situations as quickly as possible.
3. We redid the audio tape and I had to leave out all context and describe exactly what I SEE, not why, wherefore or WTF, just what I see.
I am looking at 40 years ago through the eyes of AN ADULT IN CONTROL, OR LEARNING TO GAIN CONTROL OVER THE ABUSED CHILD. In essence learning how to protect myself while also acknowledging and leaving it go. Learning its safe to 'look' at these incidents and issues but separating myself, allowing distance and finding safety.
Caps are only to emphasize importance.
4. I'm experiencing a type of transference because there is nothing but compassion, kindness, help, this is not a religious organization, its an NIH funded study!! So its a particular group of exceptional and exceptionally well trained people selected to do this work.
I'm not used to this kind of interaction with people, so as the weeks pass I'm growing more concerned about separation/termination and simply missing my therapist from week to week.
I explained my feelings to him in this past session because, while its not interfering with my actual work away from the sessions, its causing separation anxiety and weeping, loneliness.
My study med dose is maxed so we cant say lets raise that any higher.
************************
I am very happy that after months of dealing with Dr. Dangerous who contradicted every test result with "you dont have that" or "its within normal range" or Fibro is a mental disorder I've found a new female PCP at another well equipped medical center that does its sown tests, including 'female' stuff. This woman listened and heard me. She also acknowledges Fibro as a valid illness and nodded that many of her male colleagues have the sme opinion about Fibro. Albeit FM is secondary to my illness its severe. She looked at all my test results, including the redos on the mammograms/ultrasound and confirmed it was good judegment to ignore Dr. Dangerous and followup as I was instructed. I have to make an appt to the high risk clinic-I found among my papers this past weekend that my gastro had ordered a vaginal ultrasound-I never received results and made the asuumption that all was well, despite the pelvis aches and pains. I had cysts on ovaries in 2003, now cysts in my breast, my uterus was taken out at 41 being full of fibroids and every few months my lymph nodes are swollen, neck/swallowing and under arms. I honestly cant keep up with my body.
But all of this is fine, I feel some peace finally, happy and without pressures.
I asked my therapist, is it plain stupidity, maybe I'm in the wrong type of therapy-it might be a different issue? WTF is wrong.
So here's his take:
1. At my age I'm still living in survival mode as if I was the same little girl running messages and mediating between an alcoholic and his young wife.
Living in this manner blocks out present day reality and appropriate responses, my reactions are on autopilot-every situation has a built in reactor as if I'm reacting to something from 40 years ago.
2. He pointed out the differences from my mother's philandering lifestyle and me leaving home at 16 to get away from the violence and then being told to get out at 17 after intervening on behalf of my mother against a physical attack by my father-the difference mainly is that I acted to survive, not as a prostitute etc. and got out of compromising situations as quickly as possible.
3. We redid the audio tape and I had to leave out all context and describe exactly what I SEE, not why, wherefore or WTF, just what I see.
I am looking at 40 years ago through the eyes of AN ADULT IN CONTROL, OR LEARNING TO GAIN CONTROL OVER THE ABUSED CHILD. In essence learning how to protect myself while also acknowledging and leaving it go. Learning its safe to 'look' at these incidents and issues but separating myself, allowing distance and finding safety.
Caps are only to emphasize importance.
4. I'm experiencing a type of transference because there is nothing but compassion, kindness, help, this is not a religious organization, its an NIH funded study!! So its a particular group of exceptional and exceptionally well trained people selected to do this work.
I'm not used to this kind of interaction with people, so as the weeks pass I'm growing more concerned about separation/termination and simply missing my therapist from week to week.
I explained my feelings to him in this past session because, while its not interfering with my actual work away from the sessions, its causing separation anxiety and weeping, loneliness.
My study med dose is maxed so we cant say lets raise that any higher.
************************
I am very happy that after months of dealing with Dr. Dangerous who contradicted every test result with "you dont have that" or "its within normal range" or Fibro is a mental disorder I've found a new female PCP at another well equipped medical center that does its sown tests, including 'female' stuff. This woman listened and heard me. She also acknowledges Fibro as a valid illness and nodded that many of her male colleagues have the sme opinion about Fibro. Albeit FM is secondary to my illness its severe. She looked at all my test results, including the redos on the mammograms/ultrasound and confirmed it was good judegment to ignore Dr. Dangerous and followup as I was instructed. I have to make an appt to the high risk clinic-I found among my papers this past weekend that my gastro had ordered a vaginal ultrasound-I never received results and made the asuumption that all was well, despite the pelvis aches and pains. I had cysts on ovaries in 2003, now cysts in my breast, my uterus was taken out at 41 being full of fibroids and every few months my lymph nodes are swollen, neck/swallowing and under arms. I honestly cant keep up with my body.
But all of this is fine, I feel some peace finally, happy and without pressures.
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