Tabula Rasa

My brain is a slate where everything is blank when I need my wits about me the most. What part of the brain tells you one thing when that little internal voice is saying the opposite? Its like a double front of enemies doing sabotage. Too oblique?
I see a doctor in one complex and getting to her office each time is extremely difficult. In the 2 years I've been seeing her, although I've made mention of the difficulty climbing a very steep hill 2 blocks long with a cane, no one has ever mentioned a short cut.

It is cold and raining since last night. We expected snow and then icy rain, making the streets slippery. I cannot afford a fall on ice. With one hip replacement and other joints that dislocate very easily, I decided to cancel my appointment this morning. But asking for a reschedule meant at least 6 weeks-so I decided to make the trip since doctor is trying to get my sugar levels down. This doctor equates sugar levels with bad eating/discipline and is threatening insulin. I do not want insulin. I was using a wonderful medication that is now prohibitively expensive, but I purchased a batch after raiding my pension for the money and my sugar wass down to a near normal level.

What DOES make my sugar rise is stress. Its as if I've lost all means of coping with stress. Stress raises my sugar, brings on fatigue, chills and finally a total collapse which should set in, shortly-all the signs began last Fri.

So I call for a taxi, to avoid the HILL in the icy rain and tell the driver the address. But it was the wrong address, my doctor was in another building. I've made this mistake 3x now, but this morning it cost me $13 in taxi money, made me 30 minutes late because it took an hour for the taxi to arrive, although I gave myself an extra hour even if it meant sitting and waiting in her office and so I arrived too late to be seen. It was like de j'a vu all over again--how many times can one idiot make the same mistake? Obviously at least 3x.

I had laid out all my paperwork she wanted to see, had everything with me--I know me well enough to over prepare and leave early. How my brain could outstmart me with such surety to take me to the wrong building and miss this appt, I dont know. Maybe I just didnt want to be there and blew it subconsciously? A woman took me aside to give me clear directions on how to avoid the HILL problem in the future. So simple and yet PA is so closeted that outsiders like me are presumed to know everything and if not, well too bad. Maybe if I had yelled I'm a Steelers fan or wore Steeler's fan gear I would have had better help earlier.

Even better and perhaps more interesting is my taxi driver wanted to discuss the end of the world---it started out with a brief comment on global warming and he asked me what were my thoughts regarding the signs about The End Times. Held captive in the back of the taxi, I received a private gospel lesson from this man from Old/New/ Testaments, the Book of Solomon, Tehillim and trying to be nice I didn't want to throw the door open mid sentence as he rattled on while we were parked in front of the WRONG building.

Years ago I would have exploded, slammed something, smashed or broken something or pounded my head in a frustrated rage, I can't muster that anymore-I'm convinced of my own either stupidity or intentional desire to self sabotage, its such a deep sense of being defeated. I used to get confused even coming out of a subway station in NYC, sometimes walking half a block in the wrong direction until I realized a wrong turn was made-no sense of direction whatsoever.

And each incident like this makes me realize that when The End of the World does arrive, or all those guns and ammo that is being bought up for some unnamed war inside the US by its own citizens, that I'm a goner. Just close the windows and wait to die, me and the cats. Now writing this makes me understand why I am so fearful being outside, alone outside and the feeling of safety in being inside my tiny apartment. Man cave? Ha. Kitty cave plus one.