Shrunk

Well, I'm not sure what's going on with my therapist. but ostensibly she caught a virus from another patient who thought they were non contagious and has since been in absentia, not seeing patients. Or not seeing me. Before we chalk this up to my usual paranoia, let me say a few things....

My therapist has divulged a lot of very personal matters to me including aspects of her own diagnosis, her neurological difficulties, she is partially deaf and lip reads, her husband is confined to a wheelchair and fell out of it a few months ago into a street that luckily had no traffic at that moment, and little updates about her pets. Before you pee from laughing, there literally is a severe shortage of able senior practitioners who are accepting patients. I cannot work with someone doing their residency, tried that, no good.There have been sessions when 1/2 the time is spent on me listening to family anecdotes.

But I digress...my diagnosis often has problems with severe transference even same gender and in this therapeutic relationship it has manifested in me having severe anxiety she might die or be too frail to care for me. She shared, with good intentions, to explain to me how similar our experiences have been (debatable) so she is well prepared to work with me.

Early on she recommended a layman's psych workbook that I found to be written for preschoolers and told her as much. It was weeks later that she told me how 'hurtful' my dismissal of her recommendation was. She suggested a novelist Barbara Pym whom I thoroughly enjoyed a number of her books, somehow in discussing the books either I used a term, old fashioned or staid, nothing obscene or really offensive and she subsequently will not recommend ANY reading material to do with the anxiety/depression problems keeping me locked up. I am not responding appropriately to her gestures of being helpful.
So I returned to reading Masterson and began to read Eric Maisel last month.

But even with reading I prefer being housebound and the term is apt, I am bound mentally to be at home as much as possible. Few things would drive me to go out-completely out of cigarettes and nicotine gum isn't cutting it; out of cat food. I've rescheduled Dr. appointments if anxiety is off the chart. Sometimes I go through periods of not speaking, other than occasionally to the cats, so that when I hear my own voice I almost don't recognize it. I hate small talk, this issue almost cost me professionally many times. Luckily I had someone above me who was empathetic, I told her I'll do almost anything, I'm not good with cocktail chatter one on one. "But you don't have problems speaking to me," she once told me and I responded, "You're a pleasure to speak with, you have a brain and don't BS around."

So I'm going into my 3rd week without a session, no word from therapist after she checked in at the height of my depression, which included mild psychosis and my psych had to increase the anti psychotic med...nothing, total silence. I see him in about 10 days and will ask him to recommend someone to take me on. I am not reaching out to my current therapist a 3rd time for a session.