decisions decisions

I've decided to remain with my current therapist rather than moving on. It's a peculiarity of mine to pack up and flee when things get irritating or stagnant. So two weeks after asking psychiatrist to find me a replacement, I've been going to sessions and discussing with her the exact issues that piss me off and asking her to do the same about me. It seems its been healthy for both of us, but since this is my therapy, not hers, that's good.

However, we have this symbiotic relationship that seems to float atop thin ice and my mood swings can bring out very insightful comments from therapist, like an in depth explanation of existential depression which is label tossed at me by psych. I take umbrage at the label because the parental abuse was so prolonged and extensive it formed the shell of a person I remain now, unable to attach to humans. Since I feel an attachment to current therapist, however warped it might be in psychiatric terms, it seems more productive to work through it than throw out everything and start again with no guarantee I will feel anything. I certainly cannot work with a young intern, even if he is supervised by the psych.

I mentally hunt and peck looking for holes to worm my way into a person's psyche and if successful, it can be dangerous. For me, usually not the other person. And when I think I'm understanding or empathizing with someone, its a short road to being critical or disgusted at another's vulnerabilities.

For example, my young neighbor upstairs introduced her mother to me, and said mother and I are around the same age, but similarities stop there. She's a holy roller, wants to win the lottery to change her life and moans about her work and lot in life. A hot mess as the t-shirt reads. She had no problem coming in my apt for 5-6 hours yakking about her life, belief in Lord keeping her together, etc etc and I listened because its one trait I have that is good with people...but I'm fried after 2 hours, even with my own children. At the fifth hour I'm ready to scream and by the 6th hour I will kill you if you don't get the heck out of my sight...she's a person oblivious to anything, except to ask, 'what are you thinking about' if you stop nodding in agreement or responding. In desperation I finally told her daughter I love having her stop by but can't handle 6 hour marathon visits. So she stopped coming altogether...some mother daughter talk that must have been.

So this past weekend I get a frantic call from the mother, she smells gas. She's hysterical about the new puppy breathing gas and it could die if she has to sleep there, in fact they both could die....she's gone from point A to point Z in a millisecond. Pilot lights go out all the time, especially here if you turn on the ceiling fan, and their ceiling fan is right in the kitchen near the stove. I told her on the phone, clear off any pots and lift up the stove top and see if both pilots lights are on. While holding phone and whimpering, she does that and lets me know only one light on one side is burning. I told her to just light the other one. Then she's terrified to 'play with the gas' because the stove may be broken and she and the dog may die. Meanwhile she's alone in her daughter's apartment babysitting the dog and she's been doing since her daughter got it 2 months ago. Either she gave up her apartment and is actually living upstairs caring for the dog or she commutes daily from a job 1 hour away to dog sit every evening. Since I was going up and down to the basement to wash clothes, I wasn't feeling too neighborly and told her to call the fire department or knock on her neighbor's door because husband is a chef and would know how to handle a stove. The neighbor gave her the afterhours emergency phone number of our landlord who sent a mechanic over about 3 hours later, somehow they survived the smell of gas in the meantime without my company to babysit them.

Her daughter, my actual neighbor, was in another state at a wedding and came home early. Can you feel the bile rising in your gut? Can you understand how manipulative this behavior is? Does it qualify as passive-aggressive? Within the space of 2 months, daughter bought a tiny pup her mother is now in charge of and a house; at a time in her life when everything is up in the air professionally and socially. The original idea for buying a house was to find a place for her mother to live with her, but the house she bought is too small and is like a starter home for a couple. So mom has excused herself from living there (insert violin music about here) not wanting to disturb any future relationships for her daughter. She discussed it with me, but I stopped saying anything after reminding her that the impetus for even looking for a house was to help her, so what was the point of getting a house that didn't make that happen?

I have no patience with irrationality, unless its my own, which always make sense to me.