Funny thing, Sex

Being older now and having had a hysterectomy in my early 40s due to fibroids, my sexual drive has calmed down. It used to be a compulsive part of my life in a way I don't even see in my children's generation. My neighbor is extremely active sexually, I know because she talks about her interludes very frankly to me and her mother who seems to not blink at whatever this young woman says.

I've always been attracted to older men and still am....but the followup to the mental attraction just isn't there to back me up. I wonder about much older women who are having lovers decades younger than they are--a woman's body decays after menopause, body odors change, body shape and muscle mass changes and so I'm hard pressed to understand why any man would want an older woman if something else isn't on the menu. It may be different for some couples who have been together for many years and have grown older together, have bounded so deeply that droop and decay are secondary to making love.

Sex has always been a painful ordeal for me. I didn't have a mother who discussed sex and its escapades, she was busy with her own sexual trysts. She laughed when I got my first period and said she thought (at age 9), that my school mates would have filled me in, while I thought I was bleeding to death looking at my underwear drenched in red fluid.

But I still find there are men, always older, that have a certain quality that attracts me, a strength, self confidence and sexual way of looking right through you as if just by looking at you they know how they're going to make love. Men who don't need instruction guides, know when to be gentle, when to speak and what to say, men who gather you in and allow you to experience their flow and your own feelings without interrupting the entire episode by asking questions....is this good? is that good? And a man who is confident enough to be gentle. Almost all the men I've been with think that ramming a woman like a pile driver is the secret to creating an orgasm in a woman....just keep plowing away, bang bang  bang and surely the banging will create a magic reaction.

There's been times when I stare up at the ceiling and pray for it all to end. My second marriage was like that, all the time until finally I just pushed him off me in disgust. I had previously asked him to stop ramming himself or his hands into me but his training with online porn had taught him that women secretly love that rough painful form of sex. or maybe that was just his preference...to cause pain. A yelp or moan(from pain not pleasure) always got an excited reaction from him.

So now, I look at men with a different kind of hunger, more of a sadness and wonder how other women are able to quench their thirst with men, how some men look like such wonderful potential partners but I know there's nothing left inside me to respond as a woman.