Long month

The aftermath of going thru divorce, the second marriage was with a goy, has been more than traumatic. Going into it, many flowery phrases and promises, tales about what a blessing his religion said to marry with 'people of the book'. Unfortunately being alone, I bought everything that was said, brought him here, supported him for 3.5 years and found him neither interested in work, fidelity, religion of any kind. His interests were accumulating as much money and women as possible, under the guise that since I cannot bear any more children, he had a right to do as he liked. Those readers knowledgable about what I'm speaking about, will understand. When it became clear the marriage was nothing but a sham, as I found ample evidence in letters, pics and receipts, I cut off all support and filed for divorce.
The courts in NYS are not interested in hearing the truth, there's a formula to follow and lawyers follow the formula and parties parrot what lawyers tell them, lawyers shake hands and everyone goes home to pay their legal fees. And 9 months later, I'm waiting for my papers.
When he was removed, as he had to be, violent and unwilling to leave, I threw everything out. I dont know if this is a 'woman' thing or my own quirk. I packed up my things and began looking for a new apt after 13 years living where I do. Rents are unaffordable, 2 months plus fee, moving expenses and for what...to live among different strangers and start all over again. SO I am in 3 rooms if you count the kitchen, living out of boxes, buying as little as possible.
Hiring a painter means finding 800 to paint 3 rooms. So I bought paint and then became too sick to paint. I was hospitalized with gastroenteritis and in pain even childbirth didnt compare. And then a second attack, then a third one. Now I keep medications in the fridge in case it happens and have stomach tests coming in a week.
On the frum front I was channel surfing and stumbled (!) baruch H'shem on a cable program with kabbalist Michael Laitman. I listened and just cried, it was like drinking water after years of thirst. In fact I cannot recall a teacher in CH except maybe Manis Friedman with an ability to give over knowledge on this level. I've been plagued with a mental problem about toiveling myself. Not for relations but having left CH, married a non jew, I wanted to toivel a last time as part of tschuvah. I am not comfortable feeling I made myself unlcean and now am asking the abishter to hear my prayers, even if I'm not asking for something, but thanking or in gratitude, i feel like a kid who came to the table and didnt wash first.
One of my docs has a frum young woman I love so much. I told her I want to toivel, she knew my husband and understood and found a sephardishe mikveh. I called to make an appointment and to say it was my final toivel and I need help with the right brochas. The woman told me it was not right for me to toivel as I am not married (god forbid I tell her who I was married to) and to breach the laws for the sake of my own desire was not a good thing. I said I understood the law that a woman must toivel a final time after menses finished, she said, only if you're married, goodbye.
Any ravs reading? I dont know who to quiz on this.
Anyway I cried a good cry, told the abishter I'm moving forward and if He makes a path and toiveling is necessary, I'll see it and do it.
I bought (Amazon my bookstore!) 5 books by Rav Laitman. My years in CH and followed by fry 20 yrs has left extremely skeptical of anything smelling of 'cult' or my way or the highway kind of thinking. Part of the self protection comes from growing up in an abusive home, choosing abusive husbands (big surprise there). My need for tschuvah is a circle in which I never stepped away from H'shem or faith, its a life long struggle with dealing with humans. I cannot seem to broach the gap between the great compassion and wisdom of text and the callousness often cruelty of people I've grown up with, worked with, lived with.
I can count on one hand, literally the 4 people who with their kindness directed at me, changed my life, helped in in dire circumstances, none of these are my parents or husbands. They were strangers, the Rebbe being one, Rochel and her family in CH and 2 teachers. I suppose that's more than many people can count in their lives. But when you think overall that a woman of 53 is completely alone now without family, parents dead, freinds never acquired for so many reasons, its frighteningly isolated.
I think this is one reason I stayed in academia...school, learning, books has been a lifelong sanctuary for me. If my experience in CH had been different, less pressure to marry, study for women taken truly seriously rather than a brief baletschuvah 'cleansing' from the velt or the tummedikah parents we were born to, than maybe differnt choices would have been made. I know so many families that opened their homes, wallets and hearts, mostly for love of the Rebbe and what he wanted...but sometimes when you give a plate of food to a starving person and you let him feel its the beggar's portion owed to the beggar and a brownie point for the giver, all the taste and benefits of the food, rot in the begggars stomach, heart...it is as if he never ate at all. And in the end, this was my CH experience, I came away empty except for the connection in yechidus and the answers given by Rebbe.

I am reading Rav Laitman's Basic Concepts in Kabbalah as my first book, only because of its size. Already I am concerned and full of questions. But I will end here and begin g-d willing in the following posts to talk about what those are and maybe find some answers.

If you read this and daven, please say tehillim for me as I do for all yidden, especially in these times. I am rochel bas sarah eminu, the Rebbe corrected me finally after asking my name 3x until he had to tell me when I thought he had not heard my words (the audacity of the ignorant!)

3.15.07