“Ous yid ken men vern; ous khusid ken men nisht vern

A yid can turn from yiddishkeit, but a chassid can't...
Sunday New York Times 3.18.07 published a story about the disenfranchised and disillusioned among us meeting motzeh shabbos at the millinery synagogue in the city. i found names of young men whose parents who had been neighbors, neighbors who considred themselves "Untouchable" from such scandals only baletschuvahs or gerim would have in their lives.
You know when something's finally hit mainstream media, its old news already, the Net choking with threads, blogs and sites of people demanding for themselves a religion and life that is based on truth, not an interpretation or cult version.
I came into Crown Heights at the peak and then slow fade of the Rebbe...when yechiddus was stopped, when tzetlach were restricted, dollars weren't given out and the chance for a look or word was ended, when fabrengens meant singing to an empty chair and sichos were only something to read from a book rather than witnessing the words coming down and given over....it was over. Maybe Rebbe didnt appoint anyone to take over because no one was qualified to step in. Maybe its close to the end, it doesnt matter now.

An acqaintance named Miriam had yechiddus (late 80's) and immediately came to R.'s house to tell her some parts but claimed she had been sworn by the Rebbe not to reveal other parts. Since Groner was either always a witness behind you near the door or ready to do a download as you as you stepped out, keeping a secret of what was said in yecchidus never seemed possible.
Miriam was having disturbing dreams and asked for yecchidus so the Rebbe might explain them. While she didnt share the dream with us, she shared the Rebbe told her "...if people only knew how close the end is, they would spend this time only to make themselves ready" She claims he gave her a date but she couldnt tell anyone.

In my last tzetle I did something you weren't ever supposed to do, which was burden the Rebbe with long letters. Not only were you not supposed to write more than 1 page in the designated format (!) but you always gave the letter to Klein or Groner hoping to receive an answer. It was 8 years into my marraige, 5 children in less than 7 years, living on tzedakah. I went passed the clustered bocherim, to his office door and slipped it under the heavy oak. I asked for permission to find work or study to eventually find work. I said it was long enough that we lived on the charity of the community, what kind of future would that be for my children?
Groner called me to say how dare I cause the Rebbe to bend down to pick up my letter and:
You do not have permission to go to college
Be b'simcha
A fire comes before great wealth
(I already mentioned the Rav said no birth control)
Husband knew I was on phone with Rebbe's office and wanted to hear everything for himself so Groner repeated it all.
Husband pulled out a book of matches and lit one.
Smirking, he looked at me and asked, "...where's the money?"

When I study Rav Laitman's writings on kabbalah and the Rashab, its experiences like the above that have me wondering if I am just desiring to 'go home again' because the secular world is so profoundly sick?

Was I such a lacking believer and follower of the Rebbe, that when he said, no college, be happy and fire before great wealth (Groner claimed he didnt know what it meant) that all I felt was a final abandonment?

This is what free will is, making a critical choice we perceive is best or does being a chassid and following a kabbalist negate the aspect of individual choice e.g. free will from the personal (ego) perspective and that one lives only by directives handed down from teachers, Rebbes, etc? Does questioning this make someone a non believer or bad chossid?

If one is meant to live only by the directives of another, with the same flesh and human vulnerabilities, and that person dies and his community is thrown into chaos to the point of followers physciall and spiritually leaving, turning against neighbors on critical chassidic issues (moshiach now or later?), children frying out, was abandonement of one's will to such an extent the right thing to do? The aftereffects of the Void left with the passing of Rebbe has been written about and with better insight I'm sure.

Does a woman with a spiritually educated husband have to consider these kinds of issues for herself or her children?

I had a fifth child, a son whose birth almost ended in both our deaths. The midwife sent a substitute who kept leaving on a cigarette break and after arriving almost fully dilated, everything stopped...for hours. When the midwife called in the evening to see what was going on and heard I hadnt had the baby, she rushed to the hosptial. Her sub was still AWOL. The monitor in the room wasnt working either. The cord was around his neck and choking him. He was so broad across his shoulders and caught on the cord, he couldnt move and had swallowed the muconium. After an excruciating birth focused on saving his life, he was rushed to the PICU and remained there 3 days. In this birth, to bring another child to live in such poverty, depression with no light in front of us, a father refusing to take care of us except nagging his own father to send money, whose own father told me to get a job and stop having kids, after the Rav told me dont stop having kids and Rebbe says stay home and be happy...in this last birth I only said to Hashem, this is my last child and I am responsible for the decision, me alone.

Since birth control was verboten, I refused to have intercourse to avoid having husband involved with the 'sin' of birth control. I stayed up after putting the children to bed and began writing again, after more than a decade of silence.

I read the article in the Times and with the only emotion that still seems to be working, I cried. I cried and cry as I write this because my own children cannot make head or tails of chassidus, lubavitch as a way of life and are completely bitter about yiddishkeit...bitter their mother left to get an education to support them, seeing their father parade in his kapota while spending shabbos in his basement watching porn.

I cry because my children never experienced the beauty of what chassidus was before chaos took over. Would a life lived in and on tzedakah have preserved that illusion for them? for me? for anyone?

The Times article is titled City of Refuge. If I remember, a city of refuge was a designated place for those yidden whose crimes were so heinous they were no longer permitted to live within the community, they were exiled to a city of refuge to live out their days. Once exiled, you can never leave, you are considered DEAD by those outside the city. You cannot participate in anything as a jew, basically you dont exist, you are a different life form.

I want to know how those of us who love as deeply as I do and surely I am not alone, in love of Hashem, the klal and the future of our children, what are our 'crimes' that we are 'lost' and struggling now with yiddishkeit and finding our way 'home again' to Hashem and each other...

If I could collect us all and find us a place to heal...