Time Does Not Fly

I'm convinced 'time' is an illusion, Bergson was right.
No time, no reality. Only appearances, like dress up or pretend.
So tell me why other people seem to know how to play pretend so well, even down to the small talk
and I still haven't learned how to read the players, rules or how to get in the game?


I have PTSD, diagnosed by 2 docs. I feel shell shocked.
I feel like there's so little time left, so little room to make mistakes, that any decisions made now, have to be the right ones because I'm not physically or spiritually strong enough to correct any more errors of judgement. Hence, the Wall.
Less movement means less potential for error. I need furniture and spend hours mentally arranging what I dont have but want to buy, but dont buy because I am alone and it seems a waste now. I have to paint before doing anything because it doesnt make sense to paint after loading a tiny space thats already got boxes in the middle of the room.
Can't paint when the windows need to closed because of the cold. The cat sniffles because she's always cold. I bought a chair that had to be assembled. I assembled it for 2 hours, then had to disassemble and reassemble because I put it together backwards. It took half a day. It's a chair for bad backs. Can someone tell me why furniture costs a fortune, to buy, to ship and then you have to put it together yourself?

As soon as I put it in the bedroom to finally have a place to sit and read, the cat sat in it and now sleeps with one eye open, peering at me. Its clear she thinks the chair was delivered for her. She in fact, has her own chair and its covered with soft fluffy towels. There is no reason for Cat to sit in the new chair other than its the chair I bought to sit in. And cat knows this, which is why she won't move. This is how cats think. I understand...so its okay, I sit here and type away like an ass and she watches and occasionally starts snoring, like anyone would reading this. Why cats are so easily understood and tolerable and humans, not...another puzzle.

When Cat is occasionally griped by the urge to move, its to take a brief walk into the bathroom whereupon the mew meow rwowing begins. She can be found on the edge of the tub or hidden behind the curtain looking up for water. If you ask her, and I have repeatedly, what she wants, she stares back, without blinking because she knows that I know, what she wants. She wants the shower turned on.
Cat has 2 bowls of water, strategically placed (due to age) so she can easily drink. I dont know what goes on while I'm out 12 hours a day, the water level does recede in the bowls, but when I am home, its shower or else...I may lay down briefly to rest from pain, and then for sure a shower must be had. Bedtime comes, lights are turned off and then many showers are needed. In fact the best time to howl for water is around 2am. If there was a way to teach her how to run her own bath, I'd show her. Any kitchen activity means she'll go sit on the bathtub ledge and simply wait because soooner or later the tall dum dum will pass by the bathroom and look in. And sure enough there's fluffy on the tub waiting to play around and get her fluffy toes wet again. Dire warnings about turning into a fish, growing webbed feet, getting sucked down the drain, fall on deaf ears, just run the water and shut up... and for gawd's sake dont pick me up or cuddle me, yeeesh.