No in-person sessions until next week (first week 1.2012), so its almost 2 weeks of working alone but its grueling because its alot of dredging up the past through journaling, notes and memory work. So a couple of thoughts, if these are redundant, my apologies..seems I tend to tell the same tales over and over.
1. At the start of this project I was already anticipating being abandonded and grieving for the loss of the study people in my life. I did the same thing everytime a co-worker resigned and moved on. Being unable to process grief probably explains why I couldnt leave the college and job everyone couldnt wait to get away from.
2. It may not be possible to articulate the level of grief involved here-this kind of grief not a part of your life, it IS your life, it is 'I'. If there was a child in here somewhere she's long gone or died early on and I became The Grief itself. This is why I have no idea who I am or who I see in the mirror. A job title was very helpful for the brief time I had one.
And so when there is a question about feeling suicidal I try not to laugh because frankly when you're already 'dead' inside suicide is not an issue, there is no ideation, there is no fear of dying-there is dislike of pain and disability because of the inconvenience and dependence on others, but death? already live there.
What I would like to know or learn is whether there is anything left inside to resurrect, to grow or build to resemble a living person. Just because I write or had a job or had children, these things were done on autopilot for decades-not by choice, I dont know how to break through this pain.
The deeper the excavating of emotions and memories, more washed away in grief, it comes in magnificent waves, hearing Elgar's Enigma Variations on the radio 3 days ago really kicked it off. Release or relief hasnt kicked in yet and I need to ask next session how it is possible to create a human being in 16-20 weeks...we may be in the messianic era but I dont think humans are that evolved yet.
1. At the start of this project I was already anticipating being abandonded and grieving for the loss of the study people in my life. I did the same thing everytime a co-worker resigned and moved on. Being unable to process grief probably explains why I couldnt leave the college and job everyone couldnt wait to get away from.
2. It may not be possible to articulate the level of grief involved here-this kind of grief not a part of your life, it IS your life, it is 'I'. If there was a child in here somewhere she's long gone or died early on and I became The Grief itself. This is why I have no idea who I am or who I see in the mirror. A job title was very helpful for the brief time I had one.
And so when there is a question about feeling suicidal I try not to laugh because frankly when you're already 'dead' inside suicide is not an issue, there is no ideation, there is no fear of dying-there is dislike of pain and disability because of the inconvenience and dependence on others, but death? already live there.
What I would like to know or learn is whether there is anything left inside to resurrect, to grow or build to resemble a living person. Just because I write or had a job or had children, these things were done on autopilot for decades-not by choice, I dont know how to break through this pain.
The deeper the excavating of emotions and memories, more washed away in grief, it comes in magnificent waves, hearing Elgar's Enigma Variations on the radio 3 days ago really kicked it off. Release or relief hasnt kicked in yet and I need to ask next session how it is possible to create a human being in 16-20 weeks...we may be in the messianic era but I dont think humans are that evolved yet.
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