Pesach

Both sedurim spent alone.
Chidlren's uncle called erev pesach, but since he came and sat here for 3 days, saw the help i needed and offered none and then asked for a box of presents to be shipped to him tha i bought and mailed him, whats left to say? I did the job I was execpted to do, played hostess. He came with a bag of joints and even in my tiny apt had to get high at his age (55) Haven't heard from the kids since November when I visited M's first apartment and asked her brother, my oldest son, to stop stomping around his sister's house in army boots like a Stormfielder that the atmosphere from his aggressiveness felt abusive. Oh that went over really well, so I'm not surprised i'm in the dog house.

Last 2 weeks spent trying to work while going thru medical tests.
Exhausted, chronic pain issues. Found something important, BP meds make me sucidal
Consulting doc viewed blood work on hospital network.
Since '86 I am telling docs something is wrong, this pain and fatigue isnt normal.
Wink & nods...hysterical female BS diagnosis. Told too I had too many kids too fast, only cows give birth annually (by a jewish doc). He wanted fun fuin fun....i needed to get well and rest. Marriage is not made for rest, except if you're on the receving end of the other's largesse, place i'v been.

Finally validated by bloodwork...20 years of 'misdiagnoses' running in circles, missed opportunities, miscalculations. AFter 3 years, its no wonder my husband sought out other women rather than watch me disintegrateAs Lorinne would write...a life of leaks...

I was on the subway 4 days ago, reading a text by Rav Laitman. A woman gets on, sits next to me, starts talking, WHILE I'M READING (avoiding human contact, my favorite sport of late.)
She says something about the sound of the voice on the train intercom, I told her being in the subway is like being in the 'twilight zone.' I dont know how that statement brought about her telling me she is studying Kabbalah, but it did. She says she attends classes on the West Side with Rabbi Berger at the Kabbalah Center. Stupid asks, 'are you jewish?' after listening to her for a few minutes and thinking something doesnt sound kosher here.
No, she isnt but she has a friend who is jewish and a buddhist and studying kabbalah and he calls himself a 'Bukah'
While reading Rav Laitman I have to ask with the intricated detailed explanations he provides of light receiving/rejecting/keli breaking/sefirot levels and this is only generalizations- who- among folk who have not studied chassidus for some time, who among non-jews-- can possibly either absorb or understand any of this?

I read Laitman's text and am looking to purchase the bi-lingual edition of Tanya which is coming out. I had studied Tanya briefly with R while in CH. There were times when she would read a passage in hebrew and was unable to find the english word to translate and from nowhere I translate something it out loud for us. I'm not fluent in hebrew and had not previously studied Tanya. But Tanya seemed more comprehensible (& sensible, sorry) in putting kabbalistic concepts into context for the novice. Since Rav Laitman teaches and I suppose write in Hebrew as its the language of kabbalah and holy, it may be the english translation is not capturing something, or could it be dummy here isn't ready to capture something? The screen is blocking light reception!

So wait, this woman on the subway asks me a question that made me immediately undertstnad this was no accidental meeting. Yes, nothing is accidental, but some things are more obvious that others in lesson-hood.
She wants to know if a person can receive enlightenment at the moment death?
I told her all of life is given only so we come to know and become closer to Hashem, its a process, there is no last minute absolution...its alot of work and we all come to this work in different stages of things we need to resolve and complete. You cannot reject Hashem all your life or live in sin all your life and at the moment of death claim faith as some religions sell their believers.
She had tears in her eyes. She told me her sister is jewish but didnt discuss judaism with her.

I tried to give her the Rav's book to read, she refused to take it. It turns out she only went to one kabbalah class, it was a little confusing for her but 'they celebrated the sabbath like a big family' and that was warm and fuzzy.

In another time I would have pressed her to call me and would have obsessed on finding someone to work with her to learn or convert. But I have become cynical and now protective. It's strange but having been outside, having seen and lived among the filth of intellectual transience, it seems to me now like almost a desecration of judaism to see how ideas, religion, the essence of what jewishness is, is be peddled for mass consumption and not necessarily jewish consumption. I read its the right time to open everything to everyone, those ready will receive and understand.

At every turn I read that you can study alone for just so long....sooner or later you gotta-getta-group and a teacher. The power of the minyan is greater than the one. In a group you learn how to butil yourself rather than spending solitary time with the yetza hora whispering while you're reading. I wouldn't last 5 minutes in a group of non jews questions derived from catachism training.


Well if nothing else is positive in this post let me say i've begun bentchin licht again B"H
If anhyone read and is still awake this far down...please mention me in your tehillim, rochel bas sarah emeinu *as per the Luvaitcher rebbe shlita

its now 1am and