aint all about me either...

...even though every post is an act of writing 'all about me, I, myself' in some sense.

Growing up at age 57 is damn difficult. I've been forced against a wall of self confrontation, partly from my kids and in part because of medical disability. The days of I'll do what I want (re: work, college, marriage) is a life long gone. The funniest thing to hear is that 40 is the new 60 or 30 is the new 50 or some other perversion of the truth. Especially for Boomers who as a group wrought more havoc on our own health and the lives of our kids with communes, drugs, political games and short term thinking cased as long term goals for the future. Well the future has arrived, the kid are pissed off, the economy is in the tank, the medicines created for our personal excesses are either being recalled or dont work altogether.

In nursing homes where Alzeheimers is a growing concern, patients are given their toys to keep the calm and comforted...chocolate, dollies, stuffed toys.

But I digress as usual. I am forced to leave NY it seems. Now living on disability, about to lose health insurance with COBRA looming at around 1K per month, that and rent will more than take up all my disability, leaving bills, food and anything else unpaid. So looking out of town where my children live and while they're tryig to help, some points have been raised in the course of conversation. They're adults! and now one is actualllty waiting for Mom to return home anymore. What was needed and wanted decades ago, is lost to the wind. What I put on hold, is no longer held as precious...they have lives and want to flex their own wings as is their right.

It's a strange quandry to be in as I guess many people reach at some point in a country where elders are deemed somewhat of an inconvenience or duty rather than simply a fact of life to incorporate within the family.

Waiting for a vacancy on a public housing list can be years and that's simply not an option. My landlord is very nice but rents apartments because he needs his rent money, so I'm not able to hang out until something opens up in NY.

There's so much more involved here...I'll leave it for later, but the sooner I can get out of a place lived in for 19 years with too many stories, losses, changes, the better it will be.