EFT

Recently read something about Emotional Freedom Technique aka Tapping Therapy and as is my wont, bought a book to read, thereby avoiding human interaction on the subject.

I made it through to the part where you are taught the first set of tapping- called the set up I think and at the moment one is to begin tapping, I short circuited ad closed the book. That was about a week ago. The book is staring at me, I can almost hear it hissing what a coward I am.

Raised like those baby gorillas who clung to steel rods in their cages and pawed at pieces of cloth attempting to drum up something maternal to self nurture...I am not connected to me and touch. Which is an interesting phenom for a mother of many whom I love dearly, love to hug and kiss. Something happened way back there that must have been so traumatizing-I cant recall most of my childhood, except the alcoholic rages and terror of dealing with father. I nicknamed my mother The Ice Queen, mentally filing it because of course that could not be spoken. It was rare to speak, rarer to be spoken to unless it was to instruct what message to carry to father as they would often not speak to one another for weeks on end-I played messenger/mediator.
Someone on TV said last wk, "who are you" asking the viewer to wonder if they can answer that rhetorical. I have a list of verbs and nouns but frankly I dont have an identity. I've spent a lifetime trying to create myself, over and over. The only thing that I've no doubt on is G-d and the greatness of His gentle kindness to some people...well to all of us, but my life has been carried in someone's palm despite my falling off the track or venturing into worlds so foreign to Jews.

For years I thought it was just wanting to be loved, in fact, if you dont knw who you are it doesnt feel possible to know how to ask for love or how to know if you are loved, and that self revelation makes me realize what a precarious emotional situation I've lived in. Being estranged from who I probably should be, a mature adult female mother, former wife, educated college admin, there's not much more than a small girl and I really do fear becoming old and reaching dementia with the mind of a 3 yr old-I've worked hard against great odds to be better than that.

So what I was pondering was the difficulty in reading about the EFT and actually doing it. 2 years ago I was in physical therapy and the therapist, a young Israeli female, if that matters, began to massage my shoulders and neck and I began to cry. Unfortunately it quickly developed into that familiar feeling of grief that I cant explain, a kind of loss or sorrow..and just from a gentle touch that was not at all personal or sexual-it was a human touch as I sat, muscles cooling down. I think I scared her but it slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself, 'I'm just not used to being touched'
And there it was...the difference between human touch where there is connection and cause versus violent rage or abuse of whatever kind went on. I still weep when I hear babies nearby screaming and screaming. How can anyone let an infant cry out and not comfort or tend to it?

But I live around Chinese...they dont molly coddle. My mother said, in her last days, in the depths of Alzheimers that her mistake with me was hiring a German nurse who let me scream while an infant for hours. She said, she came home once and found me gulping and screaming, the nurse said that's the only way to train a child not to be spoiled. My question to myself as I write is where the hell were you for hours gallavanting with an infant at home? You weren't working that's for sure.

I couldnt find any of my father's relatives on Ancestry and yesterday read where you can now do a DNA test for under $200 and found out not only what diseases you're prone to but also who you might be related to. Hypnosis can also peel back the curtains or chip at the granite pail we carry outselves in from here to there, day in and day out...forgive me Lorinne for borrowing your granite pail once again:-)

In a strange holding pattern right now. Cant sew, reading is difficult. I feel as if something is impending and I need to be ready-yes I'm know it, its that alert state that freezes and numbs at the same time, so basically I'm paralyzed and in a sink hole of my own thoughts. I woke at 4am this morning...ostensibly because Boo was purring next to me wanting to eat, but I've fed him and gone back to sleep. I lay bug eyed and then realized its useless, just get up and start the day.

It's late...