Do more, and then some

As I bent over to pick up a pot lid that crashed to the floor from the drainboard, trying to slip something into the trashcan at the same time as I turned from feeding the cats...it felt as it has more often and recently that there are too many things to do, going on.

I cannot do 3-4-5 things at once anymore. My multi-task switch short circuited sometimes during the last year of work, possibly early as I heard a slow fizzling of strength ebbing away. And yet old patterns are hard to end. Erev shabbos (Thurs) usually means fixing soup, putting away clothes or papers I tossed on a shelf or hook. I love the ritual, tomorrow night is quiet, licht bentching. Considering my health, it might make more sense to spread these fairly simple tasks over a couple of days, but then it wouldnt feel they are done in honor of shabbos. And then there are constant issues and forms, demands from disability company asking for updates, dr. appointments. Frazzled describes it.

Lately I keep thinking of something the Rebbe told Chana Sharfstein who had contact with the Rebbe since her childhood. Kindness without limits, the Rebbe without being anyone but himself wore so many hats for every chossid. Chana told the Rebbe she was going to retire from teaching, I think that is what she told him and his response was to the effect that a person does not 'retire', as one chapter ends, we begin a new one. And so after a full career, also lecturing, writing, Chana looked around for her next project and just finished her autobiography that is being published by Kehot.

This story reminded me of what Rabbi Steinsaltz mentioned the Rebbe told him when he said he was behind in his master work and many other smaller projects and felt he needed to bring in some help. The Rebbe told him to take on more work. I love this story because I experienced something similiar in yechidus-Steinsaltz thought maybe the Rebbe had not heard him correctly-no, he was already in a state of drowning in work, he felt another set of eyes and hands would be just the ticket. The Rebbe explained when you expand and keep expanding, your capacity to meet those demands also expands, you have more to do, you do more.

The Rebbe hears and sees everything. When I went to the Ohel a few months back, the primary reasons were to meet and thank the Rebbe for everything, and to ask if possible for him to lift the heavy black stone off my heart that has been there since childhood. Doctors and pills have never come close. While the impediment of a darker soul has meant a professional career in writing and writing in other genre, it has also been very destructive and painful.

About a month after returning from the Ohel, there was a marked difference. I found myself reaching out to people around me, trying to be kind, to listen rather than talk at everyone...to hear without speaking and see if there was anything I could do. I have poor parenting skills and have lived without friends all my life. My life is completely solitary. People actually terrify me. The volcano created by the fire storm of living with alcoholic violence, the daily instability, the betrayals, lies, complete distrust-the only way to remain alive and safe is to rely on G-d and one own work; learned in the cradle and sadly has followed me until now. But the subtle difference now is that someone can be moody or not feel like being nice or talking and I understand it wasnt something stemming from me-the Rebbe is teaching me I dont run the world, that even to think this way is giyvah, self centeredness.

I think it is very dangerous to dismiss every ache and issue a Jew has with a prescription to say more Tehillim-we say when you give a man food, he has a meal, give him a skill and he is set for life. The soul and the lesser soul that is more in contact with the world--the part of us that has to get into the muck and mire of daily life that means working with difficult people including non Jews or self hating Jews, it depletes even further those people who spent their childhoods in a war zone. I havent been to children of alcoholics,but have read some material.

Rabbi Twersky in Pittsburgh gets it, most of it is explained and written in his many books. But in general, there is a disconnect between certain levels of trauma and how modern Jews (post WWII) deal with trauma (substance abuse/domestic violence/molestation/rape etc). Maybe the notions of separation, to remain separate in all things from goyim has kept us from finding help and protection and there is also a level of denial-we are Jews, we are chosen, any acts done outside the laws of G-d are abberations, not the norm, therefore label them as indicative of mental illness as Jews who are doing what's correct for Jews dont come in contact with these problems...they're too busy doing the right thing!

Maybe that's why the Rebbe wants us to take on more, stay busy-I know as little as the next person, but the non Jewish and non frum world seems to be reveling more in darkness and evil than goodness and light. I understand even speaking or belaboring these subjects is a thorn in the side of Chabad, but sweeping pain or grief under the rug only undermines long term goals. A house needs a strong foundation to remain standing; we have a foundation but a house without a balesbuss who was once the only light for some chassidim born in a deep hole or inside a volcano feel like they're barely holding on or slipping away altogether. Writing and asking for a bracha made a marked difference for me. As time goes on many other issues I was struggled with seem less urgent in needing a solution.

As one of my sweet daughters said, 'You cant fix everything...'

Its been a difficult 2 days traveling back and forth to the hospital so this post may be rambling more than my usual rambling lololol.

good shabbos to anyone who comes by here...