Fixing Yahrzeit

After months passed with insurance company denying meds, procrastinating because company was bought out by another and my meds are expensive. So its been 6 months waiting for them to sort out permissions to send me medications. And then everything arrives separately via USPS, FEdEX and UPS-I kid you not, 4 packages in one day, UPS morning shift and evening. The new injectable requires needles, that werent prescribed and the tech in the pharmacy never thought to ask, would the patient need a call? should we call the Dr.? So now we wait for needles to arrive.
I gave up trying to be the med martyr who avoids taking pain meds and just had to start. My hip/leg folds or gives out if I turn the wrong way and the pain all night is indescribable. Going into the City Monday, since its noted as a no snow day, altho freezing temps, because for some reason I have to pick up the script for the MRI, the office staff cannot call in and ask to schedule an MRI. I also told them my insurance does not require pre authorization, 'o yes' said Dr. and then 2 weeks later, a call comes in telling me they didnt need pre-autorization, should they mail the script or will I pick it up. Since radiology is one floor down, I take the train into the city, try to manage some minor errands and maybe I can have the MRI done tomorrow, but things dont work that way.
Its been so cold both cats crawl under the blankets to sleep during the day, when not trying to sit on the window sill. Mr. B is so cranky he spends too much time hissing at shortie who just wants to cuddle on the open window, smell the smells and see the sights...little that there is, but still its better than being hissed at.
I found a 2 volume set of ArtScroll complete Weekly Midrashim for $10. Sure its more than that and now looking for a kosher english chumash with Rashi.
Key word is affordable...there's plenty out there if you want to pay hundreds of dollars.
I'm on edge over something that may be ridiculous...my father died in '73 and no one's said kaddish (my kaddish done in ignorance meant nothing) either for the first year or correcctly on the yahrzeit. So I got a book on Jewish mourning etc. and I have the date for the yahrzeit but I'm not sending $300 into a black hole with the hope that someone will say kaddish each year for him now. So I made a vow that beginning this yahrzeit I'll fast and say tehillim but wanted to pay someone in a minyan to do kaddish corectly. Since I approached Chabad 3 separate times regarding some critical documents of my own and received 1 response months after my first letter, I dont think this is something to waste time with chabad who cant make up their minds that I deserve to be acknowledged or shunned. On the other hand, Conservative where he davened at Ansche Chesed didnt want to get involved when he died, so I cant go back there....or maybe I could call there...that might be interesting.

Well let this be a lesson to those ghosts who pass by here and read, then disappear without a words...a Jew cant exist as a Jew without a Jewish community-its a communal life dependent on others for traditional things like kaddish, burial and every other means of support. I go day by day trying to do the upkeep of being religious by davening and studying etc. but have no one to turn to for serious stuff because I walked away...

There's also a quote a heard this afternoon...that as long as abuse, in this context it was about an alcoholic parent that a child never discussed with outsiders, as long as it was not discussed outside the family circle, the abuse has no name, it doesnt exist, isnt acknowledged...imagine when you cannot bring up the subject either outside or to immediate family members, like the other parent! Not only may you not consider yourself abused, you may not mention it the next morning after you put the drunk parent to bed and sang him to sleep or found your mother cut up by a glass bottle...so in a nutshell, your sense of reality, literally all five senses cannot trust their perceptions; whatever sensory intake occurs must go through intense processing...and still does. I think this is why my last therapy attempt was a flop. I made the emotional investment to try one last time to speak to a Jewish therapist, an older modern orthodox male, and thought that him knowing and hopefully understanding the destruction of intermarriage on both spouses and the kids, the alcoholism and everything lese, that he would have some insight into my inability to connect with most people places and things. Maybe 7:30am was too early for him to empathize or offer suggestions on what to read or how to cope, he said, 'oh so you had a chaotic childhood...lots of people have'
So I thought more so of my daughters who began to have a discussion with me and between themselves about sexual abuse, questioning some family behaviours and then deciding to close the box, after opening it a bit and seeing what the reactions might be. Since I came from a world where no one would help me or advocate for me and its decades later, I heard such things that I was ready to go to war, confront abusers.
I need to have my will rewritten. It makes no sense to reward everyone equally when silence is a tyranny held over their heads, keeping these secrets buried...and my daughters may find themselves later in life, like their mother with physical illnesses where the stress of having to interpret every word, nuance and communication by peers, bosses, colleagues so that you learn how to function in the world. These behaviors are learned almost in infancy, in bonding, trust, letting go, learning to stand and walk, self independence--if you dont pattern these things early, you spend your life trying to learn them, but the problem is each life situation presents a new set of circumstances and what you learned on your own, doesnt seem to apply to the new chaos in front of you. You misread cues, misunderstand what people mean, you feel out of place, confused, lied to, frightened...and that's on a good day.
I think a mistake made by psych professionals is to think all sexual abuse by adults comes after those same adults were victims of similar abuse. Sex is a language, the most intimate and vulnerable of communications. If you are bottled up with rage, as we see more and more in this generation, the manifestation of trying to communicate the paranoia, confusion, distrust often appears sexual as its acted out, but it becomes non-sexual as sex is not the action, its the mode of transsmission for violating in adult terms the experience that a child could not articulate-the power and control by an adult is so vast and terrifying to a child who must depend on such adults-that later on what bubbles up appears disconnected to the present. "He seemed like a nice guy"
Lord if we live in the days of Moshiach, let us go home already. You once asked Avraham to find just 10 men worthy to keep this world afloat...look around, and no matter what Chabad or Manis is spouting about the simcha and joy to spread in these wonderful times of Moshiach, look around, read the press dear Lord and ask yourself how much longer you can stomach what humanity is doing to itself and your creation.
If there was hope for redemption after WWII...it trickled in as stories of 'righteous gentiles' saved Jews, while others stole and hid everything they could steal from Jews, art, jewels...lives.

I read Tehillim every day, King David asks for more years, after a man cannot praise G-d in Sheol; David wants to live to be able to praise and thank G-d. Maybe that's why my mother had nothing to say in the last days before she died...maybe the only thing she knew was that death was coming, there was little to discuss, her job was to wait...I doubt my mother had the capacity to ponder even as superficially as that, but as much as I love Him, its a mess down here.