shame

I didnt leave the house until almost 3pm, and it was unexpectedly at that because I needed to send priority mail. Open the back door and sitting on the 3rd step like a faithful puppy, Ms. Puss was waiting since early morning. I didnt hear her meowing earlier at all. Also cant see her from the window, but the boys can sense or smell her and are fidgety. She looked terrible, it was very hot and she barely meowed. She followed me to the cement landing where i usually place her tiny dish and rubbed all over me head butting, asking for food. But when I walked away she waited and then realized the direction I went, down the driveway meant I wasnt going inside to bring her food, so she wandered off and I hope to shelter. I got to mailbox and realized my wallet was still at home. Mailed stuff, got home, took wallet, took pain meds because its becoming unreal, went back outside and no Ms. Puss. Sky was getting luminously grey and darkening...I placed her dish on the bottom step in case she would return and went to get milk and other small items. On the way out of the market large drops were splatting and then it became rain and the rain came full wet and hard, quickly filling holes in the sidewalk and puddling up the streets where cars were splashing as i waited on the curb thinking the tiny dish of food was getting filled with water. I'm balancing on my back like a donkey, a tote bag with milk, frozen OJ, yogurt, Barilla spaghetti and carrying a package of 8 papertowel rolls on one side and using the cane with my right hand...I think this cane is too short because when I come to a high spot on the sidewalk it becomes less painful to navigate. I make it to the back porch, sopping wet, wig is soaked, shoes are saturated, clothes drenched and it was lovely beautiful rain, my favorite weather element. Love snow but only to look at. Ms Puss had not eaten, had not waited for me...she already had spent half her day waiting for the selfish woman who should have gone out early, because in my heart I knew she was waiting and let her wait, hoping she would go home and be welcomed there. But she believed I would show up sooner or later and I did, only to walk away. I have some serious abandonment issues, its not the animals are so smart, its that they epitomize helplessness and when they look to us, to me for help, be it food or shelter, I cant turn away, But I did that and she probably went to her home and will return later and I'm upset. serious abandonment issues. Its a wonder I ever found the moxie to file for divorce (s).